to think some retired people forget how busy working life is?

[HazelMember]

My elderly uncle lives on the same road as me, so I visit regularly, do shopping for him and help with bits of care (he also has carers). He’s always telling me to stop rushing around, sit down and have a good tea and chat session for a couple of hours. I’d love to but I work, have DC and a household of my own to run.

My DM always argues with me when I say I’m busy and says retired people are just as busy as working people. Some might be, I agree.

One of my other elderly neighbours recently said she’s “just as busy as me” because she has two appointments next week: the doctor and the hairdresser.

AIBU to feel like some retired people forget what full-time work + parenting + life admin actually involves?

Note I said SOME not all.

They aren’t as busy as you with a couple of appointments and most retired people can easily cancel loose arrangements. My mum is retired and she is not busy at all. I doubt i’ll forget how busy life is for working mums.

I vividly remember a lady (long retired, a grown son she rarely saw, who regularly stayed in bed until 2pm...) tell me - as a young mum of 2 dc, with a husband working away and a pt job - that I had "more time" than her 😬🙄😀
Smile and wave 🤷‍♀️

You are indeed correct this thread does not include your behaviour.

However my late MIL would have only been happy if all of her children devoted all of her twilight years caring for her, ignoring any other responsibilities and semblance of life they could hope for themselves, that was in spite of her actually being someone who was very loved and very cared for and in her earlier years quite a nice person albeit she was always a very dependent person with significant manipulation skills. Those manipulation skills are present in this thread where the uncle is looking for the OP to sit and have tea when in fact she has other responsibilities.

If you look on the elderly parents board you will see that she is not alone.

Increased vulnerability seems to correlate with reduced empathy and lack of regard or concern for caring adult relatives. It is a very common theme. That is the bit that the OP is noticing here, a lack of regard for the actual responsibilities she has and a push to spend time she doesn’t have to do more on behalf of the person being cared for.

Clearly that is not you, but it is a common enough trend especially these days where people are living much longer and in very poor states of health at the end.

Yanbu. It is sweet that your uncle wants your company. Maybe he's worried about you and thinks it would be nice for you to have a break for an hour. However, I completely understand where you're coming from.

I do agree. it is not malicious at all, but they forget.
MIL is extremely busy - keeping a 2 bedroom mid terrace house clean and heating up microwave meals once a day (she hates cooking - fair enough).
I don’t doubt that she feels busy, but it is a different kind of busy compared to full time work, 2 kids, and (also) a mid terrace house ;)
She’s lovely, so no issue at all. Just different.

I tend to agree although it think it is only a subset of retired people. As you get older, you naturally slow down at a rate you don't notice until you become aware that everyone appears to be rushing around, but what seems like rushing around is not, it is them going at their normal pace. Some people have to move at a fast pace because of the demands placed on them by their workplace and their family. I think they lose touch with the commitments and responsibilities working people have, forgetting that their time is all their own, they (often) don't have to work for a living, they are not accountable to anyone, and they can choose to live life at a relaxed pace. I get accused of rushing because I have a brisk walking pace, but my "brisk" pace is my default walking speed. If I were to walk at the average SE England walking pace, I would find it stressful after not too long because it would feel unnecessarily slow and my productivity is stifled.

I absolutely agree with you OP. I'm retired now although I still have some p/time hours and a 'full' life of hospital appointments, coffee with friends, church and voluntary commitments. However, none of this is anything like the busyness of family life, dealing with young children, school, elderly parents' demands, partner's work and a full time job too.

Looking back I have no idea how I managed it all, I just don't. Life is so much easier in older years - the children have grown up and left home, elderly parents aren't around any more, voluntary commitments are nothing like a demanding full time job.

I hope I never forget as I don't want to put unreasonable expectations on my own children; more time is such a luxury for which I am very, very grateful.

Your time gets filled differently.

Only retired 2 years, but worsening arthritis means cleaning the bathroom can take 4 hours. When I was younger I did it better in 20 minutes.
On the other side we get "oh, you are retired, can you just...." pick up a click and collect, get the kids, set up the printer, be there for the washing machine delivery, fix the gate latch....
"Yeah, OK, obviously got no life to live for myself...."🙄

This struck a chord with me. I get irritated when my retired friend (at 55, now 60) says they are stressed. This friend has no children, no husband, travels 6/7 times a year to exotic places and 6 week cruises, huge pension and investments and savings and no elderly parents to look after. I just keep quiet and say oh dear! Her stress is related to friends who don't want to invite her to things or cut her off. She complains and criticises about the smallest things, like people who take their dogs to the pub, children who are laughing and running around outside or in restaurants sitting quietly with tablets ('why do parents not engage with their children' etc. etc.) there is always something to moan about. On the rare occasion she is a laugh and lets her hair down it reminds me of why I am still friends with her! maybe I am just jealous and want to retire too and be a Victor Meldrew

Yes, my dad has no idea how busy my life is. I have two young children and absolutely no support, and a demanding job. My husband works 80 to 90 hours a week and is always very stressed. My dad had very little to do with us as children , and my mother didn’t work, so he doesn’t know how difficult it is to juggle all of the things the children need every single day, around running a household and a job. He gets miffed that we don’t visit him more often or I don’t have time to visit him one-to-one without my children to spend quality time (going on walks and things), he simply has no insight whatsoever….. He has never been as busy as I am. I know I just focus on doing everything I need to do and fit him in only if I genuinely have time.

Some do, some dont.

I dare say that some do, but many of us can remember all too well what it was like to be on the go all the time.

Definitely can be a thing in anyone not working. I've had periods not working and things just expand. I think it's partly around lack of routine. If you have to do x at 9 and y at 10 you just get on with it. When you have to schedule something whenever it's surprisingly hard to pick sometimes!

No wonder her friends don’t want to invite her to things if she’s always moaning!

I do look back at the times with young children and a long commute and long hours and wonder how we did it.

We are the retired sort that fill our days, I do 3 voluntary roles so it’s like working PT still and DH has been doing some in depth DIY getting the house ready to sell next year and he does a bit of consultancy. We are doing the things we never had time for before. Lots of travel, not just 2 weeks here and there. We bought a Motorhome, away for about 6 weeks would have been 3 months but DH looked after his Mother post op for 6 weeks. We have just sorted through 14 crates of books, 4 remain, 4 sold, 5 charity shop, 1 for recycling.

I spent some of last week caring for a friend who is recovering from a major operation and am myself undergoing medical tests.

Today we begin the task of sorting out 1,200 Ladybird books. My life’s collection. I’m keeping probably around 250. DS also wants some. Our collection of 500 CD were sold or donated just before Christmas. It’s a proper Swedish death clean.

My dad used to say he was so busy in retirement he didn’t know how he ever worked! But he was busy, with his hobbies including travelling. He was a different kind of bus when he was working, including being away a lot. Down time in foreign hotels isn’t the same as hours spent on your hobby.

If this was all aimed at me then I’m not sure why so defensive? I don’t doubt it’s more tiring being 60 than 30. But I do doubt that for my healthy fit 60 something parents it’s so tiring that a trip to the dentist ten minutes away wipes out an entire day.

I didn’t say you should be as busy as us, and I don’t think previous generations had it easier. I’m not sure why you’ve reacted so strongly to what I actually said!

Yes ! Requests during the week
Meeting during the week for 10am dog walk.
What day are you free for lunch - location being a 1 hour drive away.
Then being told you are hard work for only being available in the evening or weekends 🤷‍♀️

@Kendodd Middle class women didn’t always work but it’s a myth that women didn’t work. My Grandmother, born 1901 could drive which was unusual back then, she drove a bus during the 1926 General Strike through a picket line apparently. Not sure how I feel about that. She drove for the WAAF in WW2. Her Mother had been the joint owner though the business was probably just in her husbands name of a hat factory but she definitely worked. DH great Aunt born at a similar time to my grandmother was a writer and wrote an advice column in a National Newspaper.

You really will. That's part of the issue. You think you are unique in juggling work and children you really aren't - generations have done it (and without the benefit of flexible working and the many appliances and technological labour savers you have).
Just imagine how busy you feel now and how stressed - and imagine your children brushing that aside in the future and insisting they are the first generation to struggle and you had it easy.
That's what you are doing.

Not all retired people. We are retired and fully aware of how busy our children’s lives are. I didn’t work with very young children.

From my OP:

Note I said SOME not all.

Oh do fuck off with the hand clasping sanctimony, honestly.

This.

Everyone had their own busy... (and I'm 61, not old-old) growing up we had a twin tub washing machine that you had to pull out of the pantry. (Kept mum's mangle to help with the kids' bedding.) Had a carpet beater that you pushed round with a pole, not a hoover. A sink with a plastic bowl, not a dishwasher. One shared car. Mum worked when dad was home, cleaning, warehouse work, did knitting on the weekend.

Things took time. When my mum said "you kids have it so easy", she said it with the red, cracked hands and bowed back of hard manual work.

Every generation or 2 thinks the older one has it easy. They've done their grafting.

We are long retired but I have never forgotten how busy we were when working full time, two children to chauffeur about and a house to run.
I always remember in our busiest years my husband asking my mother in law to do a small errand for him. He had a flight to catch to the far east for a business conference and was running late. Her answer was 'I will try to do it, but I have a busy day today. I have to go to the Post Office'!