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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think some retired people forget how busy working life is?

274 replies

HazelMember · 13/01/2026 17:24

My elderly uncle lives on the same road as me, so I visit regularly, do shopping for him and help with bits of care (he also has carers). He’s always telling me to stop rushing around, sit down and have a good tea and chat session for a couple of hours. I’d love to but I work, have DC and a household of my own to run.

My DM always argues with me when I say I’m busy and says retired people are just as busy as working people. Some might be, I agree.

One of my other elderly neighbours recently said she’s “just as busy as me” because she has two appointments next week: the doctor and the hairdresser.

AIBU to feel like some retired people forget what full-time work + parenting + life admin actually involves?

Note I said SOME not all.

OP posts:
ShyMaryEllen · 16/01/2026 17:21

But isn't being busy an objective state? It just means that you have things to do that fill your time. Why does it change if you are busy doing voluntary things as opposed to things you are paid for?

The only reason I can imagine someone caring whether someone else is busy or not is when the busy person is unable to do them a favour. That's when the judgement starts.

taxguru · 16/01/2026 19:03

I think the point is that some older people are demanding on time/attention from younger workers and don't "get" that things like work and childcare and shopping and housework are essential and not "nice to have" voluntary activities and therefore can't be binned off, delayed, etc on the whim of a bored older person expecting them to drop everything, travel long distances etc rather than inconvenience themselves, i.e. back to the uncle in the opening post!

HazelMember · 16/01/2026 21:07

taxguru · 16/01/2026 19:03

I think the point is that some older people are demanding on time/attention from younger workers and don't "get" that things like work and childcare and shopping and housework are essential and not "nice to have" voluntary activities and therefore can't be binned off, delayed, etc on the whim of a bored older person expecting them to drop everything, travel long distances etc rather than inconvenience themselves, i.e. back to the uncle in the opening post!

Agree. It is not a competition about who is the busiest.

When someone has more free time, it can be easy to underestimate how fixed and non negotiable other people’s schedules are. My uncle for example!

OP posts:
QuickBlueKoala · 17/01/2026 08:43

I think a lot of people are missing the point.
Of course older people genuinely feel busy - maybe because everything takes longer, it really doesn’t matter.
What does matter is if they demand attention and counter with the argument “i’m just as busy as you but i can make time tomorrow for brunch at a place 2 hours away - you could st least try!” or similar.
Work + children does not allow this sort of flexibility, the end. its. not that i’m not trying, its literally impossible!

Katypp · 17/01/2026 09:13

QuickBlueKoala · 17/01/2026 08:43

I think a lot of people are missing the point.
Of course older people genuinely feel busy - maybe because everything takes longer, it really doesn’t matter.
What does matter is if they demand attention and counter with the argument “i’m just as busy as you but i can make time tomorrow for brunch at a place 2 hours away - you could st least try!” or similar.
Work + children does not allow this sort of flexibility, the end. its. not that i’m not trying, its literally impossible!

Yes I agree with this. I have gone off on a tangent but I really - really - can't stand the slagging off of older people day-in, day-out.
If that particularly unpleasant poster had not dismissed her (I think) dad as a Boomer i probably would have stayed in my box!
As you were...

oviraptor21 · 17/01/2026 09:16

YABU. The number of retired people who think they are as busy as working parents is miniscule and any who do almost certainly recognise they are busy through choice.

Hopello · 17/01/2026 11:04

My mums response when I said I was busy with my two DC was ‘I’m very busy too you know’…utter batshit haha.

People adjust to their own world and forget, same for me, I work part time so forget what it’s like to work full time.

TwinklySquid · 17/01/2026 13:19

Katypp · 15/01/2026 13:34

You will, you really will. I am 58 so still working but obvs my children are older now. While I haven't forgot those years yet, I do sometimes wonder where I got my energy from. The point is though, that I did, as will generations after me.
Despite what many on MN think, being busy while having a young family is not unique to today. It has always been the case, sorry.
I think one of the issues is that people are living longer and having children later now. My mum for instance, was 70 when my youngest was born, so on the way to being old when he was a newborn.
I do find the spite towards older people on MN awful though. There seems to be a contingent who think that their parents are there just to make life easier for them, and as soon as they stop being useful, they become irrelevant.
You can see many times on this thread alone that some younger mums seem to think they are immune to the aging process and are under the impression that (a) they will remain the same when they are in the 80s as they are now, and (b) their parents are being demanding/difficult just to spite them.
It's horrible to read tbh.

Edited

There is also an element that a lot of our parents relied on their parents for childcare. Now it’s their turn, they don’t want to do it. Of course they don’t have to, but then they wonder why they have a strained relationship with their kids and don’t see their grandkids often.

Swirlingcapes222 · 17/01/2026 13:42

Hopello · 17/01/2026 11:04

My mums response when I said I was busy with my two DC was ‘I’m very busy too you know’…utter batshit haha.

People adjust to their own world and forget, same for me, I work part time so forget what it’s like to work full time.

Your mum might be using those words to express the fact that she has a life of her own, she has already done her child-raising, and she doesn’t exist to solely fulfill your requests.

Tbh. if one of my dds used the word batshit in a disrespectful way to describe me or my reasoning, I wouldn’t be rushing to help them either.

Older women are not stupid by default you know. We have proven life experience and we also develop a pretty good nose for entitlement, contempt or disdain, because we encounter them so regularly nowadays on sm and in rl.

Katypp · 17/01/2026 14:29

TwinklySquid · 17/01/2026 13:19

There is also an element that a lot of our parents relied on their parents for childcare. Now it’s their turn, they don’t want to do it. Of course they don’t have to, but then they wonder why they have a strained relationship with their kids and don’t see their grandkids often.

I would happily look after any grandchildren i may have on my terms an at my convenience.
One of my terms would be that as I was considered suitable to look after children, I would not be micromanaged during my time with them. Parents who want complete control of every moment of their child's day can pay for childcare.
And if I suspected for one moment I was being described as 'batshit' the deal would be off. Grandparents are doing parents a favour, not the other way round.

HazelMember · 17/01/2026 14:59

Swirlingcapes222 · 17/01/2026 13:42

Your mum might be using those words to express the fact that she has a life of her own, she has already done her child-raising, and she doesn’t exist to solely fulfill your requests.

Tbh. if one of my dds used the word batshit in a disrespectful way to describe me or my reasoning, I wouldn’t be rushing to help them either.

Older women are not stupid by default you know. We have proven life experience and we also develop a pretty good nose for entitlement, contempt or disdain, because we encounter them so regularly nowadays on sm and in rl.

Nobody is saying older women are stupid by default. No older woman has to look after their grandchildren although many do much more than grandfathers.

My own DM constantly says how busy she is. She rarely leaves the house most days and has no friends or hobbies. I don't ask her to do any childcare or anything else. She says she is as busy as me with the tasks she has to do (she only does housework. All the household bills and maintenance is done by DB). She is in good health.

That is what I find difficult to understand. Yes she is entitled to think what she wants. I just nod my head,

OP posts:
Swirlingcapes222 · 17/01/2026 16:11

HazelMember · 17/01/2026 14:59

Nobody is saying older women are stupid by default. No older woman has to look after their grandchildren although many do much more than grandfathers.

My own DM constantly says how busy she is. She rarely leaves the house most days and has no friends or hobbies. I don't ask her to do any childcare or anything else. She says she is as busy as me with the tasks she has to do (she only does housework. All the household bills and maintenance is done by DB). She is in good health.

That is what I find difficult to understand. Yes she is entitled to think what she wants. I just nod my head,

Fair enough but you are comparing apples with pears.

Energy levels vary dramatically between forty and sixty years olds. It’s hard to describe it, or understand it, when you haven’t experienced it.

Therefore your mother at full pace can do less in a day than she used to achieve twenty years ago, But that doesn’t mean she is not still as active or busy when she is using her energy to full capacity, even though she can achieve less than you do in the same time.

Batshit is a bit of an unfair description given that none of us can help the ageing process or slowing down! It comes to us all in the end.

Obvuously, you know your mother best, but what she may mean is that she has enough on her plate currently given how long it takes her to keep the house clean nowadays or how much her knees ache or whatever,

People can become less adaptable, and less resilient to stress when they age too, so need longer to recover sometimes.

Also, you never know, people do engage in intellectual pursuits that do not manifest necessarily as “busy” to others, such as writing a book. Could your mum be crafting the next bestseller? 😀

Edited: obviously I’m just kidding about the novel but I firmly believe in the rights of older women, who have worked and facilitated family life for others for two or three decades, to use their remaining time as they wish, either creatively or sitting on the sofa with a colander over their head. They have earned it!

Having said all of that; I do think the age at which you have children makes a huge difference to remaining energy reserves. If you have supported late teens and young adults in your sixties, you usually need a bit of a rest before having full-on engagement with gc!

RosesAndHellebores · 17/01/2026 16:19

I'm 65. My DC are 31 and 27. I had very little suppprt from my mother or MIL. Mother was caring for her parents when I had children. Also mother was 57/8 when DS was born. My first grandchild is due in the summer. DS and DIL are thousands of miles away so providing help is a moot point.

C8H10N4O2 · 17/01/2026 16:32

taxguru · 16/01/2026 19:03

I think the point is that some older people are demanding on time/attention from younger workers and don't "get" that things like work and childcare and shopping and housework are essential and not "nice to have" voluntary activities and therefore can't be binned off, delayed, etc on the whim of a bored older person expecting them to drop everything, travel long distances etc rather than inconvenience themselves, i.e. back to the uncle in the opening post!

And we have plenty of threads on here from posters outraged that their parents/ILs are not providing free childcare etc because after all, what else should they be doing with their lives?

As I said at the top end of the thread - there are people who are good and seeing the perspective and needs of others and people who are bad at it. These exist in every generation as some posters have ably demonstrated with ageist generalisations about lazy oldies, apparently ignorant that physically as we get older we cannot actually do as much and every day tasks take longer.

We have all been there - the double/triple shift juggling work, family etc and many of us did it before wide spread ASCs and free childcare hours and without family help. I suspect those whinging loudest about their lazy parents failing to stump up the free help will be the same people who when older will whinge about demanding and inconsiderate children.

Meanwhile in the real world most families do try to help each other where they can and recognise the differing challenges each faces.

TwinklySquid · 17/01/2026 20:04

Katypp · 17/01/2026 14:29

I would happily look after any grandchildren i may have on my terms an at my convenience.
One of my terms would be that as I was considered suitable to look after children, I would not be micromanaged during my time with them. Parents who want complete control of every moment of their child's day can pay for childcare.
And if I suspected for one moment I was being described as 'batshit' the deal would be off. Grandparents are doing parents a favour, not the other way round.

But a lot of the previous generation didn’t use childcare- they used family . Now it’s the current generations turn to do it, they don’t want to.

Cantheowneroftheredcorsapleasemovetheircar · 17/01/2026 23:42

Swirlingcapes222 · 14/01/2026 01:06

Everyone who has young children goes through massively busy periods of time.

But each successive generation think they are busier and have it worse than the last!

I think it’s swings and roundabouts though.

In my day there was zero chance of working from home because we didn’t have computers. I was in work five days a week leaving before 7.15 am in the morning and returning home around 7.30 pm at night.

If you had a work deadline there was no chance of finishing it off at the weekend and sending it in an e-mail attachment from home. You physically had to stay late in the office until you had finished writing, typing and photocopying it and walking it to your colleague’s in-tray.

There was very little work flexibility.

We also had a strict dress code of skirts, tights, polished shoes with a heel and ironed blouses, which needed laundering, there was no wearing of comfortable ordinary clothing to work.

There were fewer food outlets so you tended to make your own lunch.

There weren’t breakfast clubs or after school clubs, or any wraparound care, so you had to swap favours with friends and neighbours or grandparents or aunts helped out. Very few of us had cars. I used to get home just in time to read my dds stories in bed.

No on-line shopping either so every item of food, anything for the house like towels and bed linen, all school uniform and children’s shoes, all clothing in fact, and all book, and school stationery and toy purchases involved a separate visit to the shops, So that was your Saturday taken care of!

We didn’t have a dishwasher for a while. There wasn’t convenience food, microwaves or ready meals. We certainly didn’t have a tumble dryer or robot vacuum cleaners!

There weren’t many child centred places to visit at weekends except the zoo or the seaside so you made your own entertainment.

I’m not saying the pace of life isn’t faster today because it is but we worked just as hard I think.

I don't have a dishwasher or a tumble drier. Lots of people don't.
And I don't know anyone with a robot vacuum cleaner. They're extremely expensive!

C8H10N4O2 · 17/01/2026 23:44

TwinklySquid · 17/01/2026 20:04

But a lot of the previous generation didn’t use childcare- they used family . Now it’s the current generations turn to do it, they don’t want to.

Really? What generation is this? I’m a boundary baby and my children are 90s babies and none of us had grandparental childcare - most were still at work and others were not close by enough to be regular childcare. Those with nearby parents who were also able to provide childcare help were the rare exceptions.

We also had far less provision available for paid childcare. Breakfast clubs, ASCs etc didn’t exist - it was paid childminders or nannies with no free hours.

My mother, born in the 30s, also still working when my children were born and was working when we were young, just like her own mother.

SpiritAdder · 17/01/2026 23:45

rainandshine38 · 14/01/2026 05:02

You have less energy in your 60s than your 30s - obviously! It’s called the ageing process!

Yes, to all these “they aren’t old” comments I say wait until you hit 50.

Swirlingcapes222 · 17/01/2026 23:48

But a lot of the previous generation didn’t use childcare- they used family

Some did and some didn't!

I’m in my sixties and my friends are much more involved in looking after grandchildren than their parents were! We had a conversation about this not long ago in fact; because the cost of childcare is so extortionate, it is almost mandatory that they look after a grandchild a few days a week.

Also, I should add that our generation have on average done a lot more for our children than our parents did for us, even those of us who had very happy childhoods. According to the norms of the time, we were raised with benign neglect, whereas we were working and far more involved with every aspect of our children’s lives; their education and extra-curricular activities, and we’ve had them living back home after university too.

I am not saying the expectations on women are any less now because they are certainly not! The pressures on them are huge! But I don’t think our generation necessarily had lots more help from grandparents than this current generation of working women.

SpiritAdder · 17/01/2026 23:50

TwinklySquid · 17/01/2026 20:04

But a lot of the previous generation didn’t use childcare- they used family . Now it’s the current generations turn to do it, they don’t want to.

Ha ha ha. My alcoholic abusive parent who had sodded off to Thailand…perfect for childcare. The other 3 grandparents were already dead when we had kids. Two due to alcohol and one due to diabetes. We were “older” by our generation’s measure to start a family. I was mid to late 20s when I had my kids.

And most of the parents I interacted with through the school did not have free grandparent childcare. There was only one grandparent at the school gates in all the time - he was a retired military seargent invalided out early. Everyone else’s parents were either working or dead.

PollyPlumPeach · 20/01/2026 07:53

TwinklySquid · 17/01/2026 13:19

There is also an element that a lot of our parents relied on their parents for childcare. Now it’s their turn, they don’t want to do it. Of course they don’t have to, but then they wonder why they have a strained relationship with their kids and don’t see their grandkids often.

This is very true. Many examples on here.

Katypp · 20/01/2026 16:44

PollyPlumPeach · 20/01/2026 07:53

This is very true. Many examples on here.

As I said upthread, I would be perfectly happy to look after any grandchildren I may have on the same terms as my mother looked after my grandchildren.
This means that she was left to get on with looking after them the way she saw fit and the way she had looked after me. I trusted her to manage situations, make sensible choices and keep them safe.
I would not be prepared to look after them under the conditions some on MN expect, where my time with them would be micromanaged and every aspect of my care analysed. I would not be paid help and I would not expect to be treated as such.
That's the difference.

MookieCat · 20/01/2026 17:14

Katypp · 17/01/2026 14:29

I would happily look after any grandchildren i may have on my terms an at my convenience.
One of my terms would be that as I was considered suitable to look after children, I would not be micromanaged during my time with them. Parents who want complete control of every moment of their child's day can pay for childcare.
And if I suspected for one moment I was being described as 'batshit' the deal would be off. Grandparents are doing parents a favour, not the other way round.

This is very true.

MookieCat · 20/01/2026 17:19

Anyway, we have a 15 year old and a 13 year old. DH is 73 and is perfectly capable of looking after his DCs. He is, however, rather unusual in that he is very fit and well and healthy, and also - they are his own children. He is certainly more energetic than I am. He is also retired and has been for a decade which has been a blessing for our family!. Our Parents were either deceased or living on a completely different continent when our first was born. I would have LOVED some GP help, and it never fails to amaze me how many of my peers take the help they get from family for granted and often moan about it.

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