to think some retired people forget how busy working life is?

[HazelMember]

My elderly uncle lives on the same road as me, so I visit regularly, do shopping for him and help with bits of care (he also has carers). He’s always telling me to stop rushing around, sit down and have a good tea and chat session for a couple of hours. I’d love to but I work, have DC and a household of my own to run.

My DM always argues with me when I say I’m busy and says retired people are just as busy as working people. Some might be, I agree.

One of my other elderly neighbours recently said she’s “just as busy as me” because she has two appointments next week: the doctor and the hairdresser.

AIBU to feel like some retired people forget what full-time work + parenting + life admin actually involves?

Note I said SOME not all.

YANBU - I’ve just retired, but was half time for years before that. I’m very aware of the luxury of time.

I don’t think it’s limited to retirement, I was a bit like that on mat leave!!

YANBU, but I also think tasks expand to fill the time you have, so people genuinely do think they're busy when they're doing X or Y because X or Y now takes them hours!

YANBU - my dad will email me and then get stroppy if I haven't replied before the end of the day... (a) I AM replying to emails IN WORK, just not yours! (b) When I finish the working day the last thing I want to do it read more emails!

Other than me emailing him (at my own pace!) I think he probably gets two emails a week. And those are from the golf club.

I'm sure some do.

It's not a competition. You can't be that busy if you're that fussed about what other people are saying about their level of busyness.

Either you're free or you're not. You don't need a reason not to do something. I'm busy lying on the couch cramming cake into my gob.

Someone might not be very busy but they're trying to find a cure for cancer.

Just enjoy your time how you wish.

I think non-busyness makes people forget how busy life can be. It’s a bit like SAHP not knowing how working parents manage to cook dinner and do the food shopping and get all the life admin done. It doesn’t take hours! But when you have loads of free time, small tasks expand to fit. As they say, if you want to get something done, ask a busy person!

Some of it though is just blatant avoidance and an opportunity to be critical. I once needed my mum to do something (decide on an appointment). She couldn’t do it apparently because she was SO BUSY because they had just moved house and they were trying to decide on a private dentist and it took up ALL her time in the course of 2 weeks that she couldn’t get around to booking the appointment because really she was just VERY BUSY! She wasn’t, but she did want to keep her head in the sand and not deal with the thing.

Some do, I agree. I retired early and I'm still appreciative of being able to just sit and have a coffee whenever I want to. I remember how, when I was working, my head was full of what needed to be done next.

YANBU. Both dh and I (in our early 50s) belong to (music-related) groups whose members are mostly retired. We've both realised that the (also older) people who run these groups often have unrealistic expectations of what their non-retired members are able to contribute and help out with. It's as if they have forgotten what it's like to work full-time!

Yanbu, and I say that as someone who's been retired for several, years and have p/t voluntary job, hobbies and grown up kids at home!

Exactly this! I took a few months out of work earlier this year and felt incredibly busy but the reality is I did bugger all. You do everything more slowly, take regular coffee breaks and spend an awful lot of time staring at a phone. I nearly had a stand up row with a neighbour who claimed she was busier than her lawyer neighbour because, despite being retired, she was 'non-stop' because she'd got a puppy.

YANBU. It's astonishing how a half hour appointment and a bath can fill your day.

Yeah, I think this does happen a bit. We recently went to visit my parents (4 hours away) and got up one day to find my mum washing my car. She couldn't understand why we don't wash it weekly/fortnightly like they do. My answer was leaving and arriving home in the dark 5 days a week in winter and being at 2 different sports for DS every weekend so we can't do it on a random Thursday morning because it happens to not be raining!

I am retired and I am definitely not busy, but I remember well when I was! One of the things that drives me nuts is that healthcare services do not take any account of patients’ life outside of medical appointments. It’s like they expect you to be available all day long, every day for fairly routine, I.e. not urgent treatment. Which is fine if you can hang about all day, every day as we can, irritating as it is. But Lord only knows how people with kids, jobs, aged parents etc to sort out as well as their healthcare manage.

At the moment / the business comes from getting on top of all the things I never was on top of - fewer cutting of corners - and a lot more time for things I want to do which makes me busy doing them

what he is forgetting is that you have less control over your busyness

I was off for two weeks over the holidays and I genuinely felt like I wouldn’t have time to work when that was over. You just fill your time regardless. I think with your uncle though, it’s sounds like he just wants you to sit down and spend some time with him, he might just feel like a chore.

Your elderly uncle doesnt think you're not busy and im sure he is grateful for the care you give but he's wanting you to spend time with him. You may not have the time for this given all you have on, but be empathetic about the reason for the request.

As for the other examples, being a working parent of young children is particularly busy but people of all stages of life fill their time to varying degrees so I don't think there is an objective standard for who is busy and who is not.

We have been retired just over four years and I definitely haven't forgotten how busy working life is!
I regularly count myself lucky that I have so much time to please myself with.

Don't get me wrong, we fill our time with activities, jobs about the house and garden, hobbies etc. But the luxury is these are things we have chosen to do.

Lots of people are only able to see things from their own pov and can't fathom how life might be different, busier and/or more challenging for other people. Whilst many retired people do keep themselves busy or otherwise at least appreciate the opportunity to roll the busyness back and take things at a slower pace, others genuinely do seem to assume that they are the default for all people.

I always remember one of my friends' mums who, although nowhere near retirement age, had given up work to have her DS and never went back, even when he was much older. She was a bit hippy-like and had a lot of hobbies and interests which she pursued to try to fill her day.

My own DM worked full-time throughout the day and then had to spend all evening catching up with stuff around the house and cooking. She also had an elderly DM of her own who wanted to speak for hours on the phone, several evenings a week, and she too couldn't understand why my DM wasn't on hand to help her as much as my DA (who also never went back to work after her children had grown up).

Friend's mum was one of those people who, although lovely, had a load of time on her hands and was impossible to stop and chat with for a short time. She asked my DM to meet up with her regularly in the daytime and, when my DM told her that she simply didn't have time to do that, her response was "Well, we all have 24 hours in every day!"

Some older people (and also some younger people too) have worlds that really do shrink - often with long hours to fill - and they really cannot remember what it's like to have to work and also to look after young children - as well as being on-call for them and other often-needy elderly family members. It's infuriating, but that kind of person just cannot be told or understand that other people live very different lives from them.

YANBU, although I think it’s more to do with how busy you are rather then being retired per se, along with how much self awareness you have.

One of my friends doesn’t work and frequently fails to understand that not everyone has the same amount of time to spare as she does.

When my dad retired he used to laugh at himself for agonising over small decisions and making simple tasks last forever, wryly observing that when he was working he’d have just got it done and fitted it around his job, family and other commitments.

Everyone in my office has the same experience of retired parents ringing them in the middle of the afternoon on a weekday, and being surprised they’re not free for a chat…!

My DM is also always telling me I can travel cheaply if I go on weekdays, outside of school holidays, if I’m more flexible with my times…. Well, yes - but none of these things really possible when working full time with young children!

I don’t think it’s limited to retiring. I’m in between jobs and I feel like I’ve had a really busy day today. I’m reality, I made a phone call to our insurance company, applied for a new driving license and popped to IKEA to buy a couple of storage boxes, plus the usual school run. I feel exhausted even though a couple of months ago I probably would have done the same plus done a full day’s work at the same time!

This resonates!

my dad often comments that I just need to get on with x this week. I recently pointed out when did he expect me to do that when I’d worked every day done so and so sport classes with the kids, their reading books etc, cooked and cleaned and attended a volunteer group I run.

when he worked, he worked full time whilst my mum who worked part time did literally everything else for him and us kids. No wonder he thinks I have free time as he certainly did!

YANBU, but I don't think it's limited to retired people specifically - I think anyone who's experienced any kind of major life change can be guilty of forgetting what the day to day reality of life used to be like in different circumstances, even if they can remember in theory. In theory I can remember how tough it was parenting toddlers, for example, but I'd get the shock of my life if I had to spend a day with one now, even though I've had three of them!

I do think that some people, whether working, not working, retired or whatever, just feel the need to tell everyone how really really busy they are. As if they're only valid as a human being if they're busy.

My mum and dad were like this with me.

Both retired at 55 and my mum was only ever part time. Dad worked full time but did absolutely fuck all around the house. Asbkids we didn’t get taken out, get lifts etc. it was a case of off you go and sort yourselves out.

it’s a different world now.