Cried for 90 mins

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Last night my little one woke and was creaming at 4.15am. I thought something was wrong but he just wanted to go downstairs. I tried to comfort him in my arms but nothing was settling him. Took him in my bed which he rarely comes into and we watched my phone. Probably shouldn't have done that but I can't stand his crying.

He wasn't sleeping but it was nice to have him under the duvet with me.

After 10 mins I put him back in his cot and his room. Same issue occured again - crying to go downstairs.

I just left him in the cot until he eventually slept at 6am.

I did go in one or twice into the room but honestly I can't settle him when he wants to go downstairs and I told him it's dark outside.

I was watching him on the room camera so he wasn't in any danger.

Did I do the wrong thing? Next door is hard of hearing so won't wake him. I live just with toddler.

I appreciate that but that was one poster out of dozens of us reporting that early wakeups were a rarity and our children have developed into fantastic sleepers despite being nurtured at night.

We are talking about the OP’s scenario are we not? She went back to bed. I don’t know what you definition of ‘up and down’ over the space of 90mins would be but ‘once or twice’ in the OP’s case wouldn’t cut it for me. Not even close.

Fine not to get the child up as long as you are prepared to comfort and reassure. It’s my personal preference to stay with the child because I think being in and out just simulates them further, but it’s each to their own. It’s also fine imo to accept defeat after a while and get up for the day. Trying to soothe a child back to sleep who is absolutely wide awake and ready to start the day is a tough gig. Better to move on and focus on strategies during the day that encourage longer sleep at night.

I have a huge amount of sympathy for any parent facing this challenge on a regular basis. I can’t judge them if they chose to keep them in their cot and sit with them, bring them into their bed, or take them downstairs and switch the tv on. Needs must. And I hate the judgy ‘rod for your own back’ brigade that always have far too much to say about how new parents look after their own babies and infants. But leaving them alone to cry? Nah.

Where is the constant reassurance?

I don't think it counts as reassurance if the child isn't reassured by it, and cries despite it.

Your reference to how you would hate to be dependant on someone else for sleep?

I’m sure there are many adults that can’t sleep properly at night, but they didn’t get that way because the were cuddled at night when they were children.

I have a similar age child and he occasionally cries for downstairs like this, usually though it’s because he wants something that’s downstairs. So I’ll try and work out what that is, be it milk, food, a toy and then I’ll bring that to him. I’ll put his Tonie on so he can listen to a story and explain it’s still night time so back to sleep

I’m with you 4/5am is too early to be going downstair, I would absolutely not be doing that, but I think I’d try to problem solve a little more and offer some alternatives in the cot. I do let mine cry for a bit, I know Mumsnetters don’t like it but I think there’s a balance, but I don’t know if could stand it for 2 hours (not judging btw just my personal tolerance level)

Yes indeed, what constant reassurance? Watching them on a baby monitor?!

Your repeated ‘concern’ about early risers being sleep deprived is a nonsense anyway. All the early riser kids I’ve ever known had extra early bedtimes and/or long naps to compensate and ended up with more or less the same amount of sleep overall as the later risers.

Well they are still dictating then aren’t they? You want a 7am wake up but child says 6am. Years ago when my son went through a brief phase of waking at 5:30am and I allowed him to be up for the day, I was failing him as a parent by your standards. Meanwhile, there are posters on this thread who wouldn’t entertain a wake up before 7am, so by their standards you are failing by theoretically allowing your child to wake at 6. I guess we all have different boundaries.

FWIW, my son’s early-waking phase was very short lived and he grew out of it without any particular intervention on my part, and certainly without being left to cry in the mornings.

How incredibly smug. Kid sleeps well because of “good sleep hygiene”… Hum yeah ok. Have two more and see how the good sleep hygiene serves you then!

I can't believe the number of people who think it's it creates good sleep routine and resilient humans by effectively ignoring your childs needs. Any sort of ignoring, cry it out etc is just teaching them that when they have an issue, no parent is coming to help. Sure, sleep is important, but so is emotional support.

Whether you stay in their room sat by their bed in the dark providing comfort with your presence, or get up and sit in comfort with them . Makes little difference in my experience hmtonhow awake they are (except sitting in your child's cold, dark room night after night is rubbish). None of it is ideal obviously , none of it lasts,and sleep issues of any sort usually have wider reasons that you need to work out the cause of (or wait for the phase to pass). Not all children are the same in terms of sleep, same is true of adults 🤷🏻‍♀️

Not bothered if people judge for lack of boundaries. It's rare my kids wake up now and they go to sleep on their own. They know that on the odd occasion they wake and are scared or worried that I'll help them settle or welcome them in next to me, very rare these days

I agree with lots of what's been said and I'm getting the idea that your DS is at risk of too much screen time. My advice:

1. Establish clear bedtime routines; bath, books then into bed.
2. Make sure your DS is not overtired - 7-7:30 sleeping, start wind-down about 6:30.
3. If he naps, ensure it's in daylight; don't darken the room.
4. At 2.2 he should be able to understand you or talk - tell him it's still bedtime if he wakes up.
5. Expert advice is for zero screen time before age 3; limit to 30mins/1 hour a day at the most.
6. If he wakes at night, do not show him your phone! The blue light will mess up his circadian rhythm and sleep patterns.
7. Go in every 10 mins or so when he's crying; rub or put your hand on his back and repeat gently 'it's still sleeping time; go back to sleep' then leave.

I hope it works out for you. It must be hard being on your own but try to resist the lure of screens as it will make this behaviour worse by removing his ability to self-settle, and cope with boredom.

I think you are asking for the best way to handle this next time rather than whether you were BU to leave him to cry, based on your replies. (It doesn’t really matter whether any of the rest of us would do this anyway - what matters is what you are comfortable with, you’re his Mum).

I think giving him your phone was the wrong thing to do - not in a judgemental sense, I just think that the stimulation from screentime will likely have woken him up even more, and also given him mixed messages as to whether it was time to get up or not. It was probably a bit confusing for him being allowed screen time, but then been put back to bed.

How do you normally get him to sleep at nap time and bedtime? That’s the tactic I would use next time.

An “ok to wake” clock might be a good idea if his communication & understanding is good, not sure if anybody else has suggested this yet!

One of mine did this a few times around that age. The fastest way to calm him was going downstairs. He would settle with a cuddle and fall asleep on the sofa then I could pop him back in bed. I think he was just waking up confused.

I'll wager 7/7 30 sleeping is far too early for this child.

Op I had a hard time with my daughter at that age . She wasn’t a good sleeper from the moment i brought her home . Shes in her 20s now mind and loves her sleep a bit too much ha ha . I used to go to her everytime she cried , had her in my bed , slept in her cot , on the floor . Surviving off an hour and half sleep most nights . One day the health visitor came and I mentioned it and she said to let her cry . I tried it and it killed me . I had bad anxiety and failed a few times by going up . But I did it one night and she cried for close to an hour . I was stood by her bedroom door . I continued this for a few nights and it changed everything . She actually slept ! Obviously you know your own child . And if it was just because they wanted to get up and go down stairs I would say they do have to learn they cant at that time. Yoy havnt done anything wrong ❤️

Maybe.

Sleep encourages sleep though, I found. I really noticed that the quality of my children's sleep lowered when they went to bed over-tired. It was kind of a revelation that even if I was putting them down earlier, going to sleep when at peace and happy meant they slept for far longer 😂

In my experience "sleep encourages sleep" is nonsense.

Of course an overtired child or adult won't sleep well. But if I were to put my DC down at 7 he would be awake at 4, perfectly well-rested, bright-eysd and bushy-tailed (unlike me)

What time is his bedtime? How long does he nap in the day? And when do you hope he gets up?

My eldest was terrible at that age for the 5am starts but I just got up at that time as it wasn't totally unreasonable and they went down at around 7pm so were done with sleep).

I personally would not have let my child cry for that length of time, they were clearly in distress and while you say it's only because they wanted to go downstairs, how do you know it wasn't also because of teething pain or hunger?

Really don't get in the habit of showing him screens to keep him quiet.

Great to have different perspectives. I don't know why you seem unable to accept that some children might be different to yours.

12 hours is a normal amount of overnight sleep for many children age 2. I usually left the room around 7:30 and they hummed/ lay there a bit before dropping off slightly later.

It's worth the OP seeing if this makes a difference isn't it? I'm not saying it'll definitely work, but that it's worth trying. I genuinely remember feeling amazed that I could put my child down earlier and it result in them sleeping longer, and that 'wearing them out' was a bit of a myth.

Always fascinated by the parents in these situations thinking that because something they did "worked" for their child, it would work for everyone. A lot of it is down to the personality of the child. Some children are comforted by visits and patting. Some children are antagonised. And so on.

Someone who compared waking up in the morning and being left alone to having a tantrum about leaving the soft play - I'm not sure this is like for like. I'm intrigued as to whether, when the soft play tantrum was happening, they were to be shut in their room for the hour, aged 2, whilst being ignored and checked on a couple of times to see if they were over themselves yet? I don't think anyone is saying (by their comments about sleep?!) that the child should be taken back to soft play in this instance but perhaps you would talk to them and distract them with something else (not a treat before anyone take it down the "reward for bad behaviour" route). I'd find it hard to effectively turn my back on a child who was struggling to process something.

I was recently on a thread about people who felt their parents (mother mainly) didn't listen to them. They may have been present but just turned the situation to suit them and weren't really interested in hearing the problem. To me, if you're going to knowingly face a tantrum with silence from the outset with no effort to diffuse, it's fairly similar.

My (slightly older) child doesn't cry a lot at the moment (she cried A LOT as a baby so comforting her in those situations hasn't taught her to always cry to get her way!) but when she does, I know something is really upsetting for her. I don't have a problem cuddling her whilst still not giving in to whatever she wants. She can be cross with me and still want a cuddle from me. She's just processing and the comfort can help that - I don't think it's confusing. Her interactions with others will make it obvious that others won't likely give her the same amount of empathy/comfort as a parent, although I'd certainly rather have a keyworker at nursery that would give her a quick hug and explanation if she was upset about something rather than offering no solution and just telling her she was being unreasonable and ignoring her.

Well, it can't possibly be true though. If sleep encouraged sleep nobody would ever wake up.

It’s always parents who can’t be arsed to deal with the hardship of creating good sleep habits who say crap like this. Obviously some kids are generally good sleepers but IME it takes a lot of hard work and perseverance on the part of the parents to create a good sleeper not luck of the draw. Just say sleep isn’t as much of a priority for you and be done with it.

If he’s waking at 4am for the day and wanting to go downstairs then it sounds like there’s a sleep pressure issue. Is he still napping and if so, how long for? He may need less day sleep than what he’s getting, and if he’s having a longer nap due to being tired after being awake in the night you’re going to end up in a cycle of this.

Giving him your phone will only wake him up even more. Just plenty of cuddles in the quiet in the dark. Yes he may be crying but he knows you’re there.

I would just make him some warm milk in a cup and cuddle him in my bed. Most of small children would fall asleep after that.