If you’re a SAHM how much do you budget each month for yourself

[Lorcal]

For things like clothes, skincare, make up, beauty appointments, gym membership etc.

I somewhat unexpectedly got involved with a man (widower, no kids) and there is a significant age gap. 20 years. we have been together for two years. Im 31.

In my head I was in absolutely no rush to have children. But my partner is very much interested. We are very seriously discussing marriage and children.

Im just very nervous. I’m well educated and have done decently with my career. As such I have a very carefree lifestyle when it comes to spending. I can definitely treat myself to nice skincare, the odd facial, nail appointments etc. I think it would be hard to roll that completely back.

My partner is a successful business owner (vet practice) and is comfortable. But nothing stratospheric.

I’m doing the maths and I’m just really not sure. I assumed I would be a SAHM for a little while when/if I had kids. But I also assumed I’d have 3 or 4 more years of savings under my belt before that point.

Bf has thrown around a few figures and I’m just really unsure what is reasonable.

Im definitely not high maintenance but I like to go out and I like to look after myself.

The idea of being given a budget is just so icky. What if I want a treatment one day? Will I have to ask my partner for permission? It’s so yuck. But I wouldn’t want to send my children to nursery when they are very young. So I see no other option than being given a budget.

partner would also prefer the SAHM option. I’m not against it per se just some aspects seem far from ideal.

it’s on a whole different level.

please do stop representing humans though - you clearly don’t speak for all.

I would never claim to speak for all 🤷‍♀️ Just sounds like how I think and I don't have ADHD.

😂

OP - if you’re still here - don’t listen to the posters telling you you’re wrong for wanting to stay home with any future dc’s. It’s a perfectly natural thing to want to do. Unfortunately women these days have been conditioned to think they can only be content if they “have it all”. And this:

You were not raised by childminders. You were raised by your parents. Subject both your parents to those pangs. As adults we can choose to revisit, reframe and re analyse our childhoods - we arent a slave to our thoughts as little ones.

Wow, imagine thinking you can tell someone how they should feel about their own childhood!!

Obviously you should think very carefully about whether it’s right for you OP. But some of the scare tactics and worst case scenarios on here are ridiculous and I do wonder what kind of place they’re coming from - considering the people making them probably don’t have a choice in whether they have to go to work or not (so just keep that in mind OP).

@Dollybantree you only have to read the (sadly numerous) threads on here from women left high and dry by their husbands/partners to know these are not remotely scare tactics.

The message to the OP is not that she’s wrong to want to be a SAHM but that she needs to approach this decision with awareness of the risks and that she should be informed about finances and protect herself. Risk management is sensible, not scare tactics.

I always wonder what kind of place people are coming from who think that they are somehow immune to all risks. Job loss, health issues - or the very real risk of the working partner deciding one fine day that they don't want to finance this family any more, thanks very much.

its very dependent on everyone’s different circumstances. Income and outgoings can be massively different. Families can prioritise things differently as well.

when I first became a stay at home parent I had £300 a month when we had 1 child.

10 years later he transfers me £1000 a month. All food, kids clubs, holidays and big family days out comes out of the joint family account.

My account is basically for my own personal spending. Random spending for myself and the children. Meals and drink out, cinema trips, bowling, clothes, toys, gifts for friends etc and things I do with our baby, ie cost of groups and classes.

Basically it covers anything that he’s not as present in that I individually choose to do.

over the years there’s been years where he transferred transferred more each month. But that was when we home educated so I would randomly spend more on resources, trips etc.

If i run out I don’t have to ask for some extra money. I can transfer myself. It’s more of a “just to keep you updated that £100 I transferred is because of xxx reason” not needing to ask for permission for more. Just so he knows where it’s gone as he tracks our finances.

I do have the biggest fund in the household I suppose as he puts most of his disposable away. But also because his disposable is basically his daily costs clothes, lunches that sort of thing. Where mine generally covers myself and 5 kids. It’s not really a budget either. It’s just what is allocated for that area or finances. But it can change if needs to.

DH and I always had separate finances (we earned similar amounts). When we had children we switched to paying all income into a joint account, using that for most spending (bills, food, child expenses, as well as day to day small things like lunches and coffees). We then save some in a joint account and split the remainder 50:50 and pay it back to ourselves as personal spending money (hobbies, gym, clothes, non-supetmarket toiletries). At the moment this is £150 a week each, when I was on mat leave it was 0 and we used our own savings for personal spending - but all income was joint, it's just we had to spend it all on joint costs (and actually topped up from our savings too).

I think if you have time off work to look after the house or family, you have to split the money evenly. At the time I said to my husband that if he wasn't going to do it this way then he would need to take 50% of the maternity leave time off.

The only thing we didn't do was anything about pension payments as I wasn't off for that long and have a good pension anyway.

There is no one budget because there is no one income.

what you need is transparency and goals

so when I went in maternity leave we worked out from what was left after bills how much we wanted to save firstly for our children, then for a rainy day, then for big things, a budget for children things then split the rest ourselves

at the beginning the split wasn’t that big an amount and now it has gone up.

Ok, I read the 1st few replies and I’m not sure why people are giving you a hard time. It’s a forum and it’s nice to get opinions. It doesn’t sound like you’re being given a budget, rather that you are coming up with one together which isn’t the same thing. It does probably seem a bit icky to you because you are independent and have enjoyed that. I think I would start with going through my statements and seeing what I’ve spent on things like hair, gym etc and suggest that as a ‘budget’ Also, just have the conversation about having a little extra in order to have a little pot for when you want to treat yourself? It’s not really that different from most of us not being able to afford a massage for example just because we don’t earn enough after bills etc. I would think very carefully about whether you actually want children because a lot of the treating yourself kind of falls by the wayside after children anyway as they are expensive and time consuming 😂 I would also chat to your OH about when he sees you returning to work, there’s good options for free childcare now (more than ever) once they hit a certain age so it’s worth discussing if he would still support you with a slightly smaller ‘budget’ and then you work for your own little pot / sanity / keeping your skills and earning potential up to date in the event of the relationship breaking down. It all seems a little unromantic which people might be struggling with but tbh I wish I had been this sensible to have these open and honest conversations. Also, check where the extra (if there is any) money is going, joint savings etc.

I'm a working mum and have no money left over for any of those things so can't help 🤣

This is all very “little woman at home, might be allowed a little job as long as it doesn’t interfere with her being the default parent and housekeeper”.

<double ick>

I think £500 is decent - DH and I have £350 each to cover all personal costs including phone and we live in an expensive area. I am low maintenance though, don't have facials or nails done. Some months I have to save up for eg trips away with friends (family holidays come out of joint account).

I would want to ensure this didn't also include things like baby equipment, which should be paid for jointly. Ours also doesn't include meals we have together.

However if you have 500 fun money and he has 1000+, that's when it becomes unfair.

I'm glad you were able to do that but your circumstances must be extremely exceptional. Opposite shift patterns or whatever.

I don’t think it is and I hate men more than the average person does.

Not that exceptional. I know heaps of people that do it

They not in 80 k office jobs thiugh

Did you have family support, or manage totally between you and your husband?

My daughter does it Manages between her and he husband

Wfh?

Try restuarants/ fast food places/ warehouse / delivery shift and you are nearer the idea

When my ex and I had 2 kids, he was a stay at home dad for 2-3 years with each child. I earned the money which all went into a joint account. I never gave him a spending limit! Partnership or marriage means all money belongs to the family, not to one person. But I would really recommend keeping your career and not taking too much time off from it.

By the time each child was 2 yrs old, my husband was dying to get back to work, as being a stay at home parent is very draining and you feel like you need some adult conversation! I have several friends who were SAHMs and said the same thing. Once he found a job, the child/ren went into full time nursery which they absolutely loved!

Once you have kids, the kids come first and I'd be surprised if you had time to go to the gym, get your nails done etc. (You may however develop an unhealthy habit of buying way too many lovely baby clothes and shoes though, like me!!) I get my hair cut once a year, dye it at home from a box, haven't been to the gym or had a manicure since kids were born (they are now 11 and 14). Since having kids it feels like a treat to go supermarket shopping alone!!! And these days I buy my clothes in Sainsbury's....

Im not really sure what that has got to do with the original question.

Their question wasn't directed at OP. As far as I'm aware there's no rule that says all posts must be related to the original question and posters may not interact with eachother unless it is related to the original question.

And I get it - unless that poster has children with very large age gaps, calling yourself a sahm for 22 years is silly. For a significant portion of that time the children would've been out of the house at school for several hours a day. At which point the "work" of a sahm is much less difficult given they have many uninterrupted hours each week to complete it. And (again, unless there is a big age gap involved) after 22 years, the children are either adults or close to being adults, at which point it's absolutely ridiculous to refer to yourself as a sahm. Housewife is more fitting, although harder to call that "work".

It's also ridiculous to suggest that having a budget is demeaning. Everyone has a budget. If you find it demeaning to acknowledge that your money is provided by your husband, whether it is transferred to your bank account or paid into a joint account, then return to paid work and earn the income required for your hair and nails and gym membership. And if your husband is an awful enough person to leave you without enough money each month while he has loads, return to paid work because you're going to need it after the inevitable divorce.

@SixDozenok. That’s your perspective clearly explained.
I hope you enjoyed commenting on someone life with 0 context. You do see somewhat over emotional in response. But again that’s up to you.

You seem to struggle with communication, that must be really difficult for you.