If you’re a SAHM how much do you budget each month for yourself

[Lorcal]

For things like clothes, skincare, make up, beauty appointments, gym membership etc.

I somewhat unexpectedly got involved with a man (widower, no kids) and there is a significant age gap. 20 years. we have been together for two years. Im 31.

In my head I was in absolutely no rush to have children. But my partner is very much interested. We are very seriously discussing marriage and children.

Im just very nervous. I’m well educated and have done decently with my career. As such I have a very carefree lifestyle when it comes to spending. I can definitely treat myself to nice skincare, the odd facial, nail appointments etc. I think it would be hard to roll that completely back.

My partner is a successful business owner (vet practice) and is comfortable. But nothing stratospheric.

I’m doing the maths and I’m just really not sure. I assumed I would be a SAHM for a little while when/if I had kids. But I also assumed I’d have 3 or 4 more years of savings under my belt before that point.

Bf has thrown around a few figures and I’m just really unsure what is reasonable.

Im definitely not high maintenance but I like to go out and I like to look after myself.

The idea of being given a budget is just so icky. What if I want a treatment one day? Will I have to ask my partner for permission? It’s so yuck. But I wouldn’t want to send my children to nursery when they are very young. So I see no other option than being given a budget.

partner would also prefer the SAHM option. I’m not against it per se just some aspects seem far from ideal.

He doesnt even show you his finances you're making life long decisions based on a figure he decided for you that he may or may not be able to actually afford. Children wont thank you for choosing them an old dad.

I’m a SAHM and have been for several years. My husband is paid into our joint bank account, we pay all our bills out of here, we then allocate money for:

• me to spend during the week with the kids - soft play, coffee etc.,
• us to spend as a family at the weekends - going out for lunch, days out etc. and then we both have an equal
• personal care - haircuts, clothes etc
• personal spending money - we both have the same amount (varies month to month) to spend on whatever we want

The most important thing for me though is that 1) we discuss the budget together and decide on the amounts, 2) I have full & equal access to our money, 3) we are married so I am legally protected

This. Neither of us had a fixed budget but made sensible decisions with what money was left after paying all bills. I wouldn’t have accepted being ‘given a budget’. We were at similar stages in our lives and were married though which I guess made things easier.

I’m sorry you had cancer, that must have been really hard, I hope you recovered well.

I’m not sure people can plan for cancer though, you can’t plan for all eventualities. But OP can certainly plan for her partner to age and likelihood of his health deteriorating at 70 is high, when there’s a good chance she’ll still be healthy and able at 50.

As it stands with average lifespans, there’s a good chance she’ll be a widow by mid 50s/60.

But one in 2 people get cancer so it's not unusual

And older you are, the more likely you are to get cancer...

Ok to respond to your update:

1. My child is in nursery 4 days a week. But my partner and I raise him, the nursery does not. You just have to look at how kids in nursery respond at pick up to know who they are attached to - and it’s not the nursery staff, as lovely as they are.
2. I don’t think you’ll truly know whether you want to be a SAHM until you have done some maternity leave. It’s really not for everyone. Parenthood has well and truly done a number on my identity and sense of self and I went back to work and it’s nearly 4 years since I gave birth!
3. You need financial transparency - if your partner won’t give you this then you need a serious rethink. 🚩🚩🚩🚩 As well as making you financially vulnerable not operating as equal partners on finances will only increase any feelings of isolation you have.
4. You haven’t been clear whether £500 is just for you or includes stuff you do with baby/kids. Once you’ve got transparency with your partner, if that’s truly all you can afford on one salary and it needs to include kids/family stuff, then based on the lifestyle you’re used to, I think you might find that tough and will need to adjust expectations.
5. I’m going to weigh in on the age of your partner. Mine was 43 when we had our child, he’d thought he wanted more than one (I didn’t!) but he has been happy to be one and done and says having a newborn/toddler is a younger man’s game. This is someone who is very fit and run marathons and is an extremely active parent. If you haven’t already you need to have conversations about how you are going to share the parenting load so you do not have mismatched expectations.

It's also a great thing for company tax. My mum was a director of my dad's company, not sure she ever did any work!

Also tbh I already find the following combination of factors pretty 🚩🚩🚩🚩

• big age gap
• you are discussing kids and marriage
• he “prefers” you to be a SAHM
• he has not voluntarily been transparent about his finances with you despite the above

Once your married, and a SAHP, I would set up a joint account that EVERYTHING goes into.

You should both have access to the same resources, and it means you’re not asking for money.

I would not get married to this man. He is much older than you and wants you to be a SAHM. What about your finances when he retires, or when he dies? It is not easy to get a job when you haven't been working for many years or decades, and it certainly won't be a well-paid job.
He isn't even disclosing his finances. He is clearly wanting to control everything about money.

Red flags galore.

Don't marry him.

Why is it not enough? That’s what I give myself every month, and I earn a decent wage as does my DH.

Nothing. All money is family money, spent on the kids. Anything else is just frivolous.

Assume you mean "a great thing" unless HMRC find out it's a sham and a tax dodge? Wouldn't recommend it unless you want to be hit by a large bill for overdue tax if/when they find out no work has been done for the "wage"...

Well yes but she can be a sahm and still have her name as director withoit doing anything

You just need access to the joint account. My guesstimate is £1000 a month ... as it will include buying gifts for birthdays, weddings etc.

Wow thats over half my income

Sahm for 22 years??
Are your children's ages years apart?

We don't budget that way as all our money is joint so there isn't an "allowance" as such and I would not accept one. As a high earner who will be giving up work, I frankly would not give up my income unless we can afford to continue the life which I am accustomed to. I would absolutely not recommend giving up your comforts to have a baby with a man who is 20 years older than you unless his finances were such that it would allow you a very good standard of living for the rest of your life. He doesn't have that many more years to work, and at some point you will likely become his carer. If he doesn't have significant wealth already, how are you expecting to support your children and him in his old age when you are leaving the workforce to be a sahm? What he is asking you is very unfair to you although it benefits him. He gets a young wife, a carer in his old age, and to live out his youthful dreams to be a dad. What do you get? I would think it through very carefully OP!

If your partner wants a baby and you stay home he needs to provide for your lifestyle. Definitely sort that before getting pregnant if he’s going to nickle and dime you don’t do it. Will only lead to resentment.

you have to be fully ok with speaking your mind in this. I am a SAHM and get a healthy allowance but my husband will top me up if i run out no questions asked.

Not even that brilliant of a saving. Maybe £2500 a year in corp tax.

hos is discussing kids and marriage two years into a relationship a red flag?

I always told my partner I didn’t want to be engaged/married before 30.

That on its own isn’t a red flag! As I said it’s the combination of those things - you’re discussing that AND you don’t have financial transparency. There’s a big age gap AND he wants you to be sahm AND there’s no financial transparency etc etc.

Well no, this is done before you get married and have kids, it’s a lot easier to walk away at that point if the joint account is not forthcoming, than negotiate a divorce with no knowledge of finances or money for legal fees. That’s before you add in the emotional aspects of actually having to leave a marriage with DC. You sort the finances out first and foremost and don’t worry that this does not sound romantic.

I’VE always said if I had kids I would be a SAHM if I had kids.

I don’t like how people assume that I don’t have agency.

My relationship is one I have chosen.