If you’re a SAHM how much do you budget each month for yourself

[Lorcal]

For things like clothes, skincare, make up, beauty appointments, gym membership etc.

I somewhat unexpectedly got involved with a man (widower, no kids) and there is a significant age gap. 20 years. we have been together for two years. Im 31.

In my head I was in absolutely no rush to have children. But my partner is very much interested. We are very seriously discussing marriage and children.

Im just very nervous. I’m well educated and have done decently with my career. As such I have a very carefree lifestyle when it comes to spending. I can definitely treat myself to nice skincare, the odd facial, nail appointments etc. I think it would be hard to roll that completely back.

My partner is a successful business owner (vet practice) and is comfortable. But nothing stratospheric.

I’m doing the maths and I’m just really not sure. I assumed I would be a SAHM for a little while when/if I had kids. But I also assumed I’d have 3 or 4 more years of savings under my belt before that point.

Bf has thrown around a few figures and I’m just really unsure what is reasonable.

Im definitely not high maintenance but I like to go out and I like to look after myself.

The idea of being given a budget is just so icky. What if I want a treatment one day? Will I have to ask my partner for permission? It’s so yuck. But I wouldn’t want to send my children to nursery when they are very young. So I see no other option than being given a budget.

partner would also prefer the SAHM option. I’m not against it per se just some aspects seem far from ideal.

Does he think you're a big spender? Im a SAHM and I just use the credit card/joint account for anything I want/need. Im not a lavish spender/consider big purchases carefully so there's no need for budgets or monitoring.

But if he's already 51, is it not more likely he will be the SAHD, expecially if he's getting on for 60 when they start school

Don’t listen to the naysayers OP. Being a SAHM is the best things you can do for your future kids. Especially in the first 3 years when nursery is not beneficial at all (fine to use if needs must but if you can stay at home then you definitely should!). I recommend this book https://www.ericakomisar.com/being-there

I love being with mine every day as well. I don’t understand when people say they would rather spend all their days with their colleagues!

I second this.

I don’t understand plenty of people’s choices but that’s fine.

More to the point for most people though - often they’d rather feed and house those children than spend all day staring at them while they were hungry. Opting out of the workforce isn’t a financial option for many.

In this scenario it’s particularly challenging as when the time comes for her to reenter the workforce, her partner will be heading for retirement. So at bare minimum I’d want full transparency of everything to ensure I wasn’t going to be solely responsible for university fees and a mortgage when I’m 45 and my husband is retired.

I have friends in the same age gap situation so he’s coming up on 60 with a 10 year old. She barely works as their child has severe additional needs so he cannot retire for at least 15 years and perhaps not even then. So things do get tricker when the father is this old - even the best planned scenario can go sideways

What if they can afford to stay at home but don't want to? Are they selfish mothers?

I don’t know what they are, it’s not for me to judge but I don’t think people should be discouraged from staying at home if they want to.

Just because one person doesn’t enjoy it and would rather be at work, doesn’t mean it will be the same for everyone.

In fact, I believe that most mothers would spend more time with their kids, given the choice.

@TJk86

what if you find it boring though and miss making your own money? Does that make one a bad mother?

I’m a SAHM, 3DC: 5, 3 + 1.

I like self care/ treatments etc and I have £1500 a month. (I track the finances and set my own budget, I tried £1000, but realistically I just ended up using the joint account for the 2nd half of the month.) I also use this to buy all the kids’ clothes, softplay, lunches etc.

Kids are expensive and of course you can do it on far less than I spend, but I think it’s important for mums not to put themselves at the bottom of the pile.

@RomeoRivers

wow, does your husband have a very good salary??

It's not really about agency, it's about alignment as a team. You're going to be at the peak of your career as he reaches retirement. How will that look? What impact will him being so much older have on your plans for older age? Being blunt, he won't be there. You'll be taking a hit on your long term earnings so you need to think long term and this will mean making tough choices

Again, not for me to judge. Does this apply to you? Do you feel like a bad mother? If not, then all good. To be fair, in those circumstances the child probably wouldn’t benefit as much from a SAHM who’s constantly bored and doesn’t enjoy being with their child.

That’s not to say that SAHMs enjoy every single minute, role play for hours can be boring! But that doesn’t make me want to go back to work. I wouldn’t quit my job pre kids just because it was boring sometimes.

Im on maternity leave currently, so bit different as only temporary. My budget currently is about £400ish, which is just for my mid week bits, but also includes fuel for my car, phone bill etc. husband pays everything on weekends/evenings if we go anywhere, kids bits I usually put their child benefit towards e.g baby sensory, yearly farm pass, soft play. Anything bigger such as new pram, husband will usually get. We are renovating our current house and saving towards hopefully moving, so run on a tighter budget. I’ll save towards things like my hair and husband pays for my gym classes as one of my Christmas presents

Gosh this sounds dreamy, you lucky thing!

Our financial situation isn’t the norm, we’re very wealthy, but £1500 is what I spend without being ridiculous (no designer clothes/ shoes/ handbags, plastic surgery etc).

MN has taught me so much over the years about how couples split their finances. I absolutely feel in the minority.

I've been a SAHM since my eldest was born. I was a high earner before that, and our home is fully paid because of me. My DH is a high earner, we don't need me to earn an income and I have no intention of going into paid employment again.

All of DH's earning are our earnings. Our home is jointly owned. Our savings are joint. Everything is ours, we don't have anything that's personal. We have wills and an agreement which covers what would happen in the event of a divorce (we're outside the UK).

I don't have a budget and neither does DH. We're not children. We have always earned considerably more than we spend. We're both savers, neither of us like fancy things (apart from our home and investments). If I want a facial, or a new winter coat, or to get my nails done, I'll do it and DH wouldn't even notice. If he wants a new bike, he'll get one and I wouldn't notice. We always discuss and agree on big purchases like holidays (we do what I think best normally), furniture, a new car (I don't care and tell him to do whatever he thinks best). I can't imagine policing him or him policing me.

Financial compatibility is a core feature of a healthy and successful relationship, along with all the other compatibilities (emotional, intellectual, social, sexual etc). Why are you not talking to your partner about this, rather than MN?

Im a SAHM (to two preschoolers) and life really isn't as strict as having a set 'allowance'. All the money is family money really, I transfer £300 into my personal account each month and we also have a joint account (and my husband has a personal account). I spend from both accounts and if money is running low anywhere we jiggle money around. We dont have a huge income so both just generally try to budget but I've never felt restricted in terms of my 'personal' money

but things change. You're proposing getting married to a self-employed man (very easy to hide income if you divorce) and have no idea of his business finances. These are red flags.

It’s really not. Each to their own but my mental health has improved massively by working, and that Will only benefit my daughter. It’s bizarre to decide to be a SAHM before actually having a baby. OP might hate being at home.

You could also say it’s bizzare to decide to go back to work before you’ve had a baby? I actually thought I would want to go back to work but everything changed the second my child was born. No one is saying OP can’t change her mind but why tell her she will probably hate being at home?

My cousin is 10 years younger than me, and her dad is 10 years older than mine. My school friend is the same age as me and her dad is almost 20 years older than mine. In my late 40s I have active parents (in their 70s) and a continued upward trajectory on my career and my school friend is nursing her dad 24/7 at age 98 after 2 major strokes and being reliant on the funds from his home being sold and benefits to live. My 15 year old DD’s friend’s dad is 77 and still working full time because of his second marriage and needing to support the children from it.

Having an older parent has lifelong consequences for both the other parent and the child.

Age is not just a number and you need to make very careful decisions about what happens if it doesn’t turn out the way you hope. This isn’t a level of vulnerability I’d be comfortable with.

You ooze judgement. "If they can, they should".

@TJk86

i trained for YEARS to have the career I do… it was TOUGH….the idea of just giving it up after all that?! When it’s totally not necessary to do so and could leave me vulnerable financially. Nah.

We just put everything in the pot and take out what we like (we'll discuss it if it's a big money item). I did sell my house when we met though, which was mortgage free so I was able to pay off his mortgage, which freed up a fair but of income.

is it better if I say “if they can and want to” ?

So did I for my career. But the desire to be with my kids is too strong for me. I did go back after baby number 1 and it wasn’t for me. I will probably go back one day but for now I’ll m really enjoying the break from it. The world of corporate and motherhood doesn’t mix well in my experience. Anyway, horses for courses.