If you’re a SAHM how much do you budget each month for yourself

[Lorcal]

For things like clothes, skincare, make up, beauty appointments, gym membership etc.

I somewhat unexpectedly got involved with a man (widower, no kids) and there is a significant age gap. 20 years. we have been together for two years. Im 31.

In my head I was in absolutely no rush to have children. But my partner is very much interested. We are very seriously discussing marriage and children.

Im just very nervous. I’m well educated and have done decently with my career. As such I have a very carefree lifestyle when it comes to spending. I can definitely treat myself to nice skincare, the odd facial, nail appointments etc. I think it would be hard to roll that completely back.

My partner is a successful business owner (vet practice) and is comfortable. But nothing stratospheric.

I’m doing the maths and I’m just really not sure. I assumed I would be a SAHM for a little while when/if I had kids. But I also assumed I’d have 3 or 4 more years of savings under my belt before that point.

Bf has thrown around a few figures and I’m just really unsure what is reasonable.

Im definitely not high maintenance but I like to go out and I like to look after myself.

The idea of being given a budget is just so icky. What if I want a treatment one day? Will I have to ask my partner for permission? It’s so yuck. But I wouldn’t want to send my children to nursery when they are very young. So I see no other option than being given a budget.

partner would also prefer the SAHM option. I’m not against it per se just some aspects seem far from ideal.

He might be the nicest bloke in the world but I would NEVER be beholden to a man, ever. If it goes tits up (sure won’t but things happen) you’re totally financially isolated and stuck. No job, no money and no way of leaving and finding a place of your own. You’ve only known him 2 years. I’m sorry but this sounds risky to me.

The more intuitive of us have clearly picked up on her deeper concern. 😉

I often sense that deeper concern in the threads where a mum says how worried she is about going back to work and putting her child into childcare. However the only acceptable answer on those threads is „don’t worry, child will be fine, you’ll enjoy the adult conversation etc.”. If you dare ask about the possibility of a career break you’re guilt tripping/mum shaming apparently.

It's because he is 20 years older and not putting his wages into a joint account or transparent about his earnings. We are not AI or a math calculation, there is no law that says we only have to reply with just what the OP asked. It's a conversation platform and often there is a wider context to be considered. It would be selfish to withhold useful knowledge and wisdom just because it goes beyond directly answering OP, sometimes people are lost and asking the wrong questions. If we don't tell her people around her probably won't either as they wouldn't want to offend the couple. But we will tell her what we really think so she goes into this eyes wide open. She can't say nohody warned her!

As for reassuring returning mothers to work, what idiot will guilt trip her when she decided her finances or mental health is better off working? Of course the right thing is to allay her fears, it's called showing support. But if someone is about to make an irresponsible decision that is yet to happen of course that is the best time to disagree and raise questions. I feel like a neurotypical person would understand this nuance and difference and the whole 'just answer the question' is too rigid and lacks deeper understanding of humans and society.

There is no way I would have been a SAHP unless my DC needed additional care, and I was married.

You’re considering putting yourself in a very risky position. When I had DS25 practically no one I knew was a SAHP. Most of us worked 3 days; quite a few stayed full time.

Basically I knew practically no one whose DH assumed nothing would change for him as his wife would do everything at home and enable him never to take time off work when DC were ill. The one woman I know who was in that situation regrets it. Her marriage ended in divorce. She ended up in low paid work having given up a professional career which was heading towards senior management.

Where has this recent expectation on the part of some men come from? My DH assumed I would continue at work.

I think if this is the kind of thing you're worried about with having kids then your priorities are in the wrong place

Absolutely and pages and pages of derogatory statements about nurseries.
Erm not all WOHM use nurseries

I didnt use CC at all, DH and I both WOH and shared the CC.
Its so blinkered and self obsessed when one poster just goes on and on
Back to the Op

What this man that she has known for 2 YEARS is suggesting is quite worrying and Op has picked up on that, yes she is considering be a SAHM, but red flags are flying here and Op is torn.

There are a whole host of issues given the age difference, when will he retire etc

I was a SAHM for 3 years after my youngest, not through choice, nursery more than my potential salary and I'd just finished my last contract job. It was hard to get back to the same level, I had to go back to an entry level job at first, and that was when the job market was much easier than it is now. I wouldn't risk it in your shoes.

Mine are late primary now and I'm glad I'm working, everything is so expensive now and kids are more expensive as they get bigger. If that £500 is to cover the kids too, it won't go far. I spend £100 on their activities alone. I presume he has a good income, but that doesn't go far now either.

I'd also think about the future. SAHM is great when they are little, but what about after that? What about when you can't get back into the same career? Think about when they are older, when they are teenagers and what if they want to go to university? It's extortionate. And think about your own pension, with the age gap, you aren't going to be sharing his.

I'd also think about the future with your partner. You';re saying he's young and good looking at 50, but things will change. When you are 45 and still relatively young, he'll be 65. He's going to age and you could end up looking after his kids, then looking after him, then possibly looking after your own parents continuously for the next few decades. He will also retire 20 years before you, and when you retire, he could be in his 80s.

It's a massive red lag that he doesn't want to be transparent about finances. There is a power imbalance there. And the allowance - what about inflation? Also, how much will he be involved with children? Will it all fall to you?

Try and think about it rationally. It's lovely to be around when they are tiny but you can work part-time and get this too. You have to think of 5, 10, 20 , 30 years down the line too. I wouldn't want to not be able to help my kids with university because I decided to stay off in the primary years, or wasn't able to get back into work after a few years, I don't think I would have been able to get back in if the job market was like now.

@TJk86

because so often that IS the case! So why shouldn’t people say it??

@allgoodbabybaby

Do you? Why? Do you think you shouldn’t think of yourself at all when about to become a mother? Is that good practice for actually being one?

I feel like a neurotypical person would understand this nuance and difference and the whole 'just answer the question' is too rigid and lacks deeper understanding of humans and society.

Its because I’m not neurotypical that I see all around the question and join more dots!

That doesn't sound like a particularly neurodivergent thing.

Not at all. It isn't for everyone. It does a child no good spending all their time with a bored , resentful mother

Tell me you don’t know anything about ADHD without telling me……..

You were not raised by childminders. You were raised by your parents. Subject both your parents to those pangs. As adults we can choose to revisit, reframe and re analyse our childhoods - we arent a slave to our thoughts as little ones.

It just sounds like anybody of average intelligence 🤷‍♀️

Find someone your own age. Don’t throw away your career for this old man. You aren’t even married.

I don’t have a budget. I spend what I spend.

In 10 years your boyfriend will be 61 and looking at retirement.

Being a SAHP is fine unless you get divorced and haven’t had decent provision for a pension. Also if you do divorce and haven’t had decent been out of the workforce for a while it may be an issue.

Be wary of such a gap my DH is 6 years older than yours and retired last year. As much as we do still do a the same things it takes longer to recover. No more 20 mile hikes, they are 10 now. Plus health issues often pop up. You can't always healthy eat and lifestyle stuff away either. Mine has been delayed and if I had an unhealthy lifestyle who knows where I would be but my Mothers shitty genetics are at play now and I have just been diagnosed with a heart issue. One that has happened to two of my older siblings as well. I was extremely fit for my age until time caught up with me and those genetics, I would say till I was about 57.

The words you use to describe being given a budget by your partner shows you're not ready.

If you feel equal in the relationship and get married, then it's both your money.

You're both committing to raising a family with money from him, and your input too.
He's not paying you to be a surrogate.

Have you told him a figure you'd be happy with?
Some months you spend more, but some months you'd spend less, so budget accordingly.

I used to get £400 with no kids, some months I spent next to nothing as DH would still cover some of my expenses. Other months I'd ask for a top-up as I'd gone above.

Agree to a trial period of say 6 months and see how you get on.

I'm back at work now and we have a joint account.

Jesus, some people on here saying they have £500 + a month to spend on themselves?! I'm a part time working mum with a full time working fiance and 4 kids between us and have about £100 a month to spend on myself if that! Where is everyone getting their money from!!

I work full time and get paid a lot.

Different families have different incomes.

I am a SAHM and DH transfers me £500 every month. This covers my mobile phone, make up, every day bits and bobs.
we also have a joint account that covers everything for the home and our children - food shopping, days out, clothes, pets, etc.

if there is a larger purchase I’m making for the house, we’ll chat about it, but it’s never about asking permission to spend as DH usually just says “yeah, just order it”

anything like holidays, etc is always a 50/50 discussion, never him pulling rank as it’s “his money” in fact, he sees it as joint money more than I do.

and I’m well aware people will see the money he pays me as him giving me “pocket money” or “an allowance”, call it what you want, but I don’t have to explain what I spend that money on.

We also have a pre nup which covers both of us in the event of divorce, and I am aware of all of DH’s finances (I just choose not to get involved with it) when we see our financial advisors, we go together and everything is discussed

I think the entire starting point of your conversation is seriously flawed OP. The question isn't 'what amount of money should I have to maintain my lifestyle without compromise'. The conversation is 'what is our income, what are our expenses and what are our priorities with whatever is left.'

My husband and I make x money. We pay our bills, we pay my daughter's extortionate dance fees. We pay our son's football and taekwando and swimming fees. We buy them the clothes and food and whatever else they need. We put some petrol in the car. Then we have y left. From that y we put some in savings (for university fees, a new car, a new boiler, a summer holiday, whatever) and then we have z left. That z is what we have to play with and we have equal rights to decision making over it - including the 2 years i was on mat leave and the fact that I make slightly less than he does. That z isn't an awful lot of money for us so it wouldn't matter if I 'demanded' 500 or 1000 or 2000 a month - it isn't there so I can't have it.

I have no idea what those figures are for you as a working parent or a non working parent but without that information you can't make any sort of decision. Without working together to decide if a massage is more important than putting that money into savings or buying a new car or getting new shoes for your kid it's all meaningless. You will not be able to have everything unless he's seriously wealthy so that's a conversation for the two of you - what is worth sacrificing for you to stay home with your kids for years, what is worth prioritising and at bare minimum - how much money are you starting with?

For information I have around £100ish to spend on myself a month - I meet friends for lunch a couple times and I get something new for myself if I need it. And that's not because my husband isn't being generous or kind - it's because we decided we'd rather go to Europe this summer and have a decent start at sending our kids to University if they want to go. My husband has the same autonomy. Neither of us ask questions or get picky about the odd coffee or whatever, but for anything larger than than our mutually agreed budget that either of us need or want it's a conversation because it would be taking something away somewhere else (so he wanted new fancy headphones - fine, but we had to lower our contribution to savings that month).