If you’re a SAHM how much do you budget each month for yourself

[Lorcal]

For things like clothes, skincare, make up, beauty appointments, gym membership etc.

I somewhat unexpectedly got involved with a man (widower, no kids) and there is a significant age gap. 20 years. we have been together for two years. Im 31.

In my head I was in absolutely no rush to have children. But my partner is very much interested. We are very seriously discussing marriage and children.

Im just very nervous. I’m well educated and have done decently with my career. As such I have a very carefree lifestyle when it comes to spending. I can definitely treat myself to nice skincare, the odd facial, nail appointments etc. I think it would be hard to roll that completely back.

My partner is a successful business owner (vet practice) and is comfortable. But nothing stratospheric.

I’m doing the maths and I’m just really not sure. I assumed I would be a SAHM for a little while when/if I had kids. But I also assumed I’d have 3 or 4 more years of savings under my belt before that point.

Bf has thrown around a few figures and I’m just really unsure what is reasonable.

Im definitely not high maintenance but I like to go out and I like to look after myself.

The idea of being given a budget is just so icky. What if I want a treatment one day? Will I have to ask my partner for permission? It’s so yuck. But I wouldn’t want to send my children to nursery when they are very young. So I see no other option than being given a budget.

partner would also prefer the SAHM option. I’m not against it per se just some aspects seem far from ideal.

It’s almost certainly a ltd company rather than self employment. Which is even easier to hide money in.

We don’t have a budget but I suppose I’m not a massive spender anyway so maybe not an issue.

I’d bloody get on with it if you want kids, I’d be pretty concerned about having kids with a man in his 50s tbh (nothing to do with his activity levels but his quality of sperm!)

Surely this isn't a sahm vs employed mum debate but more about in order to cut your cloth you first need to make sure you have sufficient for your family's purposes. This might include luxuries or the basic necessities but until you know how much cloth you have you can't make decisions about how to cut it. The question is backwards. First calculate the essentials, then work out if you have sufficient left to satisfy what you want. Then see what you'll both sacrifice to enable you to be a sahm. You may need to rethink, but starting by picking a number just for 1 person doesn't work.

Also household chores should be discussed. You need to align on how you'll split more than money.

Hi @Lorcal - I didn’t say you don’t have any agency. I said your partner has expressed a preference for you to be a SAHM, which is what you yourself have said. You have also expressed discomfort with being given a budget, so people have joined together the bits of information you’ve shared and raised things for you to consider. For a lot of women an older man, who isn’t financially transparent, who wants his partner to be a SAHM would ring warning bells of perhaps restrictive gendered expectations of family/home/financial life.

We don’t have the full picture though, only the titbits on here. If you’re both aligned on home, parenting, work, finances, that’s great. Just make sure you have that financial transparency and are aligned before you quit your job.

I would reconsider if a SHAM is really the best option for you. It does make you dependent on your DH and I personally was never up for that.

I went back to work as soon as maternity leave was over. This was 15 years ago and both kids are doing very well and DH & I are still married. But knowing I didn't have to put up with everything and if we disagreed how much was reasonable to spend on clothes, holidays etc I could just use my own money for that and did not have to have long negotiations with my stingy husband has no doubt contributed to the success of my marriage. I also really value the feeling that if I or he walked away I would be ok supporting me and my kids. That was and still is really important for me. Not that I intend to walk away ...but it's good knowing I could and that I would be ok financially.

That’s you though, OP has always wanted to be a SAHM so I’m not sure how your personal preferences and circumstances are applicable to her?

I would reconsider if a SHAM is really the best option for you.

Best Freudian slip I’ve seen for a while.

@TJk86 are you on commission or something?!

When I was little I wanted 33 children.

I have 1. 😂😂😂😂

”Always wanted” is such a weird measure. I’ve lost count of the number of people I know that “always wanted to be” teachers/doctors/midwives/accountants/lawyers/biochemists/police officers/chefs/traders/actuaries etc who become it and then realise it isn’t what they wanted at all!

Yes, yes I am.

It’s also possible to be both. We didn’t use any childcare for DD and both DH and I worked full time. There are smart ways to do this that don’t involve anyone being “kept”.

DH and I have always had the same budget, even though he has always earned more than me. We literally pool everything into one bank account and just spend from that. All that I have I give to you etc as we pledged on our wedding day. Being a sham was no different.

She just hates nurseries.

Ah. Makes sense. My in laws hated nurseries too. They ended up driving 200 miles a day picking up various grandkids and taking them to one child’s house to look after to “save” them from the horrors of nursery 5 days a week. Their logic was it was better for 5 children between 9 months and 4.5years to spend up to 5 hours in the car each day and for them to be exhausted by it all than to allow grown adults to use trained professionals to help balance childcare and work.

(We live at the other end of the country and thought that was horrific.)

You aren’t being ‘given’ a budget. If you are sharing your life then you both agree what spending money you have. At times me and dh have earnt differently sometimes me more sometimes him. We both put our money jointly and then give ourselves the same amount of spending money. Realistically if you are dropping to one salary then you are going to have to budget!

And what is the point you’re trying to make with this random anectode?

@TJk86

that nurseries can be a good thing for kids?

What? How do you deduct that from that story? 🤣

@TJk86

well nursery is obviously better than being driven around for hours a day. Would you not agree?

In what way is a 9 month old and a 2 year old strapped into car seats for 5 hours a day, and an 18 month old, a 3 year old and a 4 year old strapped into car seats for 3.5 hours a day with exhausted pensioners better than them running around and playing with other children in a safe environment?

How much did 5 children under 5 benefit from 3-4 hours day in day out of split attention from 2 exhausted pensioners who hadn’t been solely responsible for babies and young children for 30 years?

(This arrangement lasted about 5 months before the parents unanimously decided nursery/childminders were the better options.)

That is a very odd anecdote though and a very uncommon situation I would’ve thought!

I think the point TJk86 is making is that the OP came on to ask SAHM’s a question about budgeting to be a SAHM and asking about their personal experiences - and instead it (from what I can see) has descended into an anti-SAHM thread. It’s strange that threads asking questions to SAHM about being SAHM’s seem to attract people who aren’t SAHM’s and actually seem to be quite against it 🤔

Anyhoo - did the OP ever come back??

Haha exactly. It’s a very specific, odd scenario and nowhere have I suggested it’s good/better than nursery. But the anecdote in itself doesn’t support the point that „nursery is good for kids”. Interestingly the parents of said grand children must have thought all that travelling was better than nursery or they wouldn’t have allowed it?! (edit: just seen that it took the parents 5 months to decide nursery was better 👍🏻)

@Dollybantree OP did come back a few times and been told she must forget her plan and return to work after mat leave (and anyway she will most likely hate being at home with her child).

I honestly don’t think they did. I think FIL probably shared some news clipping about an unfortunate incident and they all realised it was free childcare.

The OP posted in AIBU……….

Yes but the question was about how to manage finances as a SAHM, not whether or not she should become one.

Surely you can both work this out very easily. An honest conversation around income. Work out expenses. Then decide how much is disposable and split, how much is necessary for bills/saving. Then you just decide whether the amount is viable for you around your personal budget/lifestyle choices Vs your desire to be the primary carer. FWIW, We have worked on "fun money" budgets of £20, £30, £50 and now £100 per month. Totally workable, and for me, it was worth being able to be the primary carer. So you will just need to work out which is more important to you. Lifestyle or caring responsibilities.