If you’re a SAHM how much do you budget each month for yourself

[Lorcal]

For things like clothes, skincare, make up, beauty appointments, gym membership etc.

I somewhat unexpectedly got involved with a man (widower, no kids) and there is a significant age gap. 20 years. we have been together for two years. Im 31.

In my head I was in absolutely no rush to have children. But my partner is very much interested. We are very seriously discussing marriage and children.

Im just very nervous. I’m well educated and have done decently with my career. As such I have a very carefree lifestyle when it comes to spending. I can definitely treat myself to nice skincare, the odd facial, nail appointments etc. I think it would be hard to roll that completely back.

My partner is a successful business owner (vet practice) and is comfortable. But nothing stratospheric.

I’m doing the maths and I’m just really not sure. I assumed I would be a SAHM for a little while when/if I had kids. But I also assumed I’d have 3 or 4 more years of savings under my belt before that point.

Bf has thrown around a few figures and I’m just really unsure what is reasonable.

Im definitely not high maintenance but I like to go out and I like to look after myself.

The idea of being given a budget is just so icky. What if I want a treatment one day? Will I have to ask my partner for permission? It’s so yuck. But I wouldn’t want to send my children to nursery when they are very young. So I see no other option than being given a budget.

partner would also prefer the SAHM option. I’m not against it per se just some aspects seem far from ideal.

I have £500 a month and it’s definitely doable - I used to spend £1000 a month before babies! But life has changed for me - I don’t do dinners out any more, cut back on coffees out etc and do my nails at home. Basically my life revolves around my little one and going to play groups / soft play and I end up spending most of my money on him anyway!

Whilst I was pregnant, I also saved up £1000 for every year I’m planning on being a SAHM so I have got some extra money to cover things like presents or new clothes.

Also DH will always pay for any family days out as well

Could you work part time instead?

You need to really look hard at what your income and outgoings will be, what savings you want to build and how much you realistically have leftover. It may not cover all the optional costs so you'll have to prioritise. However I'd say that applies to both of you.

Personally I prefer to see all income dh and I make as family money so we've had lean times and less lean times but we both take the hit/win in terms of our 'nice to haves'. Dd is 14 now and seems to cost an extortionate amount so I've worked to get promotions over the last 5 years and gone full time to top up the pot. When she was younger she needed me more so I worked part time in a less stressful job.

You need to look at your whole situation and make decisions within your budget. Do you have complete transparency in your finances so you can look properly at this? Don't forget to add in additional expenses for baby classes, shoes, clothes, toys... they grow so fast.

£500 purely for yourself is loads, but £500 for you and the kids is not loads.
But, as a parent with 2 kids, time to go and get a treatment is just a memory

Probably a lot less than 500, but I dont spend at all on beauty stuff.

Anyway, it doesn't matter at all what others do, only what you want. You sound proud of your career and like you enjoy spending on beauty etc. Why would you want to give that up? You'll be 45, looking every moment of it, and with your career in shreds if you're a SATM. And your husband will be 65. Will you be happy then?

I don’t have a budget I spend what I need. Obviously if money is tight I don’t buy whatever it is but if there is money in the account then I work away. I don’t consult my husband on needing my hair done or whatever

Would he not do any childcare , enabling you to continue working after a period of maternity leave? If not, then if you can't work in order to look after your joint kids the only reasonable thing is for his income to be shared to cover all of the needs of the whole family. Including pension contributions for you.

Also I’m really intrigued - for those that don’t have a budget, do you have a rough idea of how much you can spend a month though ? Or is your DH’s income so high that you will just never spend that much?

I just look in the bank account and decide if we can afford what I want to buy.

He's also 20 years older than you, so won't be able to match your energy in parenting. When you're 40, he'll be 60, and so on.
Think about the reality of how that will work out!

I don’t think anyone else can answer this for you as we don’t know your partners income or your outgoings. If I wasn’t working we definitely couldn’t afford £500 personal money each month after essentials, and would probably have to sacrifice from long term savings or family holidays to have any personal money at all.

As others say you need to figure out what your essential outgoings are and then figure out how much surplus is left. From that, what’s the right balance for:

• long term savings
• emergency fund
• holidays
• pensions - will he pay into yours while you’re not working?
• shared family fun/date nights
• a pot of money for you to do stuff with the kids during the day - baby groups, cafes etc (I think this should be separate from your person fun money)
• personal fun money

Always just one bank account when I've been working or not (full time for a while, part time for a while, some time as a sahm, 2 maternity leaves). Both salaries or one go in. Bills go out, household items and holidays etc are discussed then we both decide if we can spend money or not depending on what's in there. Would that not suit you both better?

My partner gives me 1700 a month, if I need more I do have to ask but it's never a No. You'll have maternity pay, savings and child allowance, I think you'll be fine.

Don't have a budget, everything just comes out of the joint account....he occasionally complains that I've spent too much but generally just gets on with it.....

I don't know how much I spend because his salary is paid into our joint account and I spend however much according to our household and plans that month. He doesn't allocate me a budget.
Honestly, he is too old and you're not ready. You'll be trapped with no financial indepenence if he thinks he pays you £500 or £1k to have his children, cook, clean thats a bargain. Often mums 'pocket money' ends up on buying things for the children so she ends up with less and resents having to ask and justify each time.

Nc’d!

@Lorcal£500? what does that include? I ask because I have a budget of £100 a month but that’s just for me, not related to costs for baby.

It all depends on his income and what you both expect that budget to cover.

To me £500 a month sounds loads, especially if this is purely for you to spend on yourself, but we are an average income household (below £45000) and I don't do treatments etc and a haircut is a treat about 3-4 times a year.

Exactly the same. We have a single shared current account and check it before we spend. Bills are predictable and we know when big bills like insurance are coming up so have an attached savings account that covers these and we top up each month when we get paid. If it's getting tight we both make decisions accordingly

When I wasn’t working because I was home looking after the kids, generally I was on maternity pay. I was not paying for gym memberships or beauty treatments or going on shopping trips. 😂 It was essentials only. Soap and shampoo in weekly shop, a bit of makeup here and there as I could afford it out of my maternity pay. Dh paid all household bills during this time, so the £600-700 a month I got was mine to spend on things as needed, but things like my mobile bill, fuel for my car, a coffee with friends, my car payment, tax, insurance, MOT.

Different situation now, but I am off sick (cancer) and not expressly providing childcare (my children are all in school now). Dh has made me a co-director in his business and I’m paid £2000 a month. From that, I pay 1/3 of our mortgage and other expenses, and I have about £1000 left for personal spending. This is things like meals out or coffees, personal bills, I took some classes as part of work related training, my hobbies, clothes and other things as necessary. It’s a bit different though because it’s not Dh paying me play money, it’s the company for which I assume some responsibility even though it isn’t my day to day 9-5 job.

Don't quit your job. Take maternity leave then get a nanny/au pair/ child minder ( which both of you pay for). Lots of options. Or go part-time and do the same. But don't quit your job.
If you were my daughter, I'd be very concerned about this relationship.

What do you spend now?
What would you not spend, if at home with children?
Instead of putting them in a nursery, would a nanny/housekeeper be an option?

Honestly, he is too old and you're not ready. You'll be trapped with no financial indepenence if he thinks he pays you £500 or £1k to have his children, cook, clean thats a bargain
This basically!

Op I hate to sound trite but when I was a sham it happened during the financial crash and when you have tiny people solely relying on you priorities do change
Everyrhjng got stopped back and inwas someone who was massively into clothes and was always complimented on my outfits etc
Self dye hair no hair dresser ,i just kept up one or two outsourced things.

But my then partner and I were very joined and what's mine is his and vice versa
He never once put any pressure on me to work /go back ( i did ).

£1000, I transfer money out the miscellaneous savings if I need more.
I would be wary of giving up a job you enjoy and also be wary of a relationship with an older man.
Some of my Mums friends have worked while they much older husbands have been retired or semi retired, picking up most of the housework too. Now they are retired and are caring for their eighty year old husbands, young grandchildren and in some case elderly parents too.

• all money is shared he can access all my stuff eg premium bonds /ISA and our main account is the bank account. We have numerous pots in starling for holidays and other stuff so at Xmas I know that money is to spend on that we have two children pots one which i contribute to more dorn children's extra curricular lessons and his for school lunches and trips. Every.monrh every penny is allocated.

But the pots mean we know where what money is for what . Perhaps that would make it easier sall around and X into savings and investments and so on.