If you’re a SAHM how much do you budget each month for yourself

[Lorcal]

For things like clothes, skincare, make up, beauty appointments, gym membership etc.

I somewhat unexpectedly got involved with a man (widower, no kids) and there is a significant age gap. 20 years. we have been together for two years. Im 31.

In my head I was in absolutely no rush to have children. But my partner is very much interested. We are very seriously discussing marriage and children.

Im just very nervous. I’m well educated and have done decently with my career. As such I have a very carefree lifestyle when it comes to spending. I can definitely treat myself to nice skincare, the odd facial, nail appointments etc. I think it would be hard to roll that completely back.

My partner is a successful business owner (vet practice) and is comfortable. But nothing stratospheric.

I’m doing the maths and I’m just really not sure. I assumed I would be a SAHM for a little while when/if I had kids. But I also assumed I’d have 3 or 4 more years of savings under my belt before that point.

Bf has thrown around a few figures and I’m just really unsure what is reasonable.

Im definitely not high maintenance but I like to go out and I like to look after myself.

The idea of being given a budget is just so icky. What if I want a treatment one day? Will I have to ask my partner for permission? It’s so yuck. But I wouldn’t want to send my children to nursery when they are very young. So I see no other option than being given a budget.

partner would also prefer the SAHM option. I’m not against it per se just some aspects seem far from ideal.

I’m a SAHM. I don’t have a budget. I do exactly what I did before. Luckily we’re comfortable and I haven’t had to sacrifice anything. I went back to work after DC1 but not DC2. At first, having everything paid for made me very uncomfortable but I’ve begun to appreciate my contribution to the household is still valuable even if it’s not financial.

Life doesn’t need to be regimented if you’re financially secure.

From what you’ve said you have your own money so it’s not entirely his business, however, do you really need the opinions of strangers to validate you here?

Thanks all. Catching up on comments. It does seem a bit off that partner put out a figure. But I really do not have visibility over his business finances. Hence why it started off with being given a figure instead of arriving at one together. Partner pays himself a comfortable-ish salary but I do need to understand more of the financial picture.

I know not everyone understands my choice in partner re age. But he is extremely fit (and very handsome too). It’s made me adjust my timelines. In an ideal world I would’ve had a few more years to save and invest. But it’s a compromise I am willing to make.

I am extremely torn. I personally enjoy my job but equally I do want to be the one to raise my children (and I know that is a massive privilege). I was raised by childminders but went to a school where SAHMs were the norm. I always felt a huge pang for my mum growing up. And was often jealous of friends. Thats really stuck with me. And definitely influences a lot of my decision making.

Why only women? Why aren’t we talking about shared parenting or SAHDs?

<gets bingo card out>

”Because he earns more!” Ever wondered why that is still the case in 2026?

”Because women are free to choose. That’s feminism!” Having men making equal choices and effort around child rearing can only benefit mothers, who otherwise stagnate in their careers, fall prey to pension poverty and often get left with the kids when a shiny new model comes along. Why aren’t we expecting more of men?

“Because women are biologically programmed to want to look after children.” Once you’re past breastfeeding, there’s nothing biologically required of women that men aren’t capable of doing. If you are beholden to biology, you’re also beholden to the concept that women don’t deserve the same opportunities as men.

I could continue………

I personally enjoy my job but equally I do want to be the one to raise my children (and I know that is a massive privilege). I was raised by childminders but went to a school where SAHMs were the norm. I always felt a huge pang for my mum growing up. And was often jealous of friends. Thats really stuck with me. And definitely influences a lot of my decision making.

My dad did every school run, every brownies run, the groceries, the washing and ironing, read with us, ensured we were bathed, taught us how to cook and maintain a car and a million other things. He worked full time, as did my mother.

Just saying.

What you decide to do is obviously up to you but you age gap does pose a difficult/different situation with regards to pensions and retirement ( I commented up thread). You as a couple should consider this and personally I would want my own pension and I wouldn't be willing to give up the security of work in some form.

I was raised by a SAHM so I’ve always worked full time - there are benefits and costs to all choices in life. Please just consider what life you want in 15-20 years. At some point, you’ll be the breadwinner and carer just speaking statistically and you don’t want this to be a problem.

I think transparency is key. You need to understand the money your family will have as income, create a shared plan/budget with committed outgoings, savings goals (short and long term), add in a realistic amount for child related costs and then see how much is leftover for personal spends which can either be divided equally (with additional provision for child related fun stuff) or equal access. If it's not enough to cover expenses then everyone cuts back or you need to bring in more income as a couple. The key is working as a team rather than starting with individual budgets as the focus. How do you want your marriage to work?

For me having shared access to all income and sharing the burden of lean times and fun of less lean times was fundamental. Supporting each other's goals and understanding each other's priorities. It's been the same when I've earned nothing/more than dh and pretty equal.

Also be very clear on how you'll work as a team in other areas. I was a sahm for about 18 months and the drudgery caused resentment in me. Not saying don't do it but be realistic about how it'll work and whether it's actually for you. I thought I'd love it but am actually much happier working full time in a more stressful position and earning enough to pay a cleaner and dh really sharing the boring bits than I was working part time in a low stress role and picking up more at home. I wasn't great at it.

With all due respect, and leaving aside how lovely and handsome this man is, you would be utterly mad to go into his proposed arrangement for £500 a month with no idea of his financial position and giving up your financial independence. I like what DarkForest said about transparency and equality.

I have not read all the replies but this man has had the chance to build his career and make his money. You have not. I hear you when you say that you want to be a SAHM and I respect this choice but you need to also be financially savvy - what about your pension, what about joint savings, what about your career options when DC get older?

There is also a power imbalance with age because he has twenty years more life experience than you and is used to getting his own way in business. I genuinely think you are going to be on the back foot here because he is starting from a premise of he can pay you, and not shared endeavour of how do you both do this with what you have.

This has nothing to do with any of that. Some women want to be SAHMs. Some women are not ready to spend extended time away from their babies after a year off. I don’t care what men/ other women want to do. As long as both parents are happy with the arrangement, why do we need to scaremonger and try force people to return to work before they’re ready.

My husband wouldn’t feel fulfilled as a SAHD whereas I love it and think I’m pretty good at it. I don’t know what we would do if we both wanted to be SAHPs but thankfully, as it happens, we are both happy in our respective roles and there’s no need to bring up some political BS into this. And no, he didn’t earn more than me so that’s not the reason I’m the one on a career break.

£500 is not enough. When you have children will this increase ? Have you asked specifically what it will cover ?

If he doesn't willingly share all financial information on request - your potential joint finances... Then don't become a SAHP in a family with this man.

Okay well getting full knowledge over your own and each others finances would be the next step. Incomes, regular outgoings, how much you like to spend on non-essentials, debt, savings, pensions etc. That will give you both a much better sense of whether being a SAHM is affordable while maintaining your desired lifestyle. Otherwise you’re both just pulling figures out of the air.

That totally depends what the £500 is intended to cover. DH and I give ourselves £150/month each and I never spend it all. But it doesn’t include anything for the kids, no transport costs etc. Mine mostly goes on takeaway coffee and Vinted sprees or random Amazon purchases I don’t need to justify to DH.

I agree. This is a big red flag.

He does not see you as an equal nor does he intend to treat you fairly. You are the one giving up everything to bear his late stage children, but he is not prepared to be transparent with you about your finances or how he is going to ensure you are looked after. You will almost certainly end up looking after him in your prime years. 50s to 60s is called 'sniper alley' because many unexpected illnesses make their appearance.

Sure, he is handsome and hot, go for it, just keep your financial independence. SAHM does not have to be all or nothing. You should look into pt work a lot harder.

I guess we’re the other way.

We have a joint account for most of DH wages which is for all bills, life expenses and daily spends. We put 15% away in savings/emergency fund.

We both get live updates how much we’ve got in our current account. If we’re doing well I may spend a little more, if not, I’ll cut back. If I know we’re going to have an expensive month I won’t make an appointment to get my hair cut etc.

Whilst I don’t spend as much money on myself to when I was single/working, I guess I still spend ‘our’ wages in the same way (naturally frugal but never not go without).

Say how then

That's not necessarily true though is it. I had cancer at 50 and the treatment caused my all sorts of issues. Whereas my 13 year old partner is in much better health

I'll health can strike at any time

I wonder how you think people who have less that £150 a month left over after bills cope then

Depends if she's actually doing a y work for the company or just in name a

But you are talking about being an age here of being at school. Therefore you wouldn’t have been with your mum all day anyway. You’d be at school.

There is also the option of part time work op, especially when DC are at school anyway. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. I work 80% and still finish at 3pm to pick my 5 year old up from school.

I would seriously consider all the feedback here and think about the future. Your partner will retire long before you reach retirement age. Are you going to live on his pension for the rest of your life?

I believe i’ve seen many posts on MN about SAHMs who have not worked for years and then struggled to get back into work.

If you do conceive, maybe see how you go during mat leave first. I have always been used to working and i found both maternity leaves so incredibly boring and very isolating and I was much happier in work.

Most women with kids work. It's hard to get back on the career ladder, plus you make yourself the default parent. Be clear from the start that if you have kids he will have to take his fair share of pickups, dropoffs, days off work if they are ill etc. Both go oart time if you can. Don't be a SAHM

Most women with kids work. It's hard to get back on the career ladder, plus you make yourself the default parent. Be clear from the start that if you have kids he will have to take his fair share of pickups, dropoffs, days off work if they are ill etc. Both go part time if you can. Don't be a SAHM

You need 100% visibility of his business finances before you get married anyway.

I'm curious about what you would spend to tally £500 on personal things. Just being nosey, because to me that sounds like a lot.