If you’re a SAHM how much do you budget each month for yourself

[Lorcal]

For things like clothes, skincare, make up, beauty appointments, gym membership etc.

I somewhat unexpectedly got involved with a man (widower, no kids) and there is a significant age gap. 20 years. we have been together for two years. Im 31.

In my head I was in absolutely no rush to have children. But my partner is very much interested. We are very seriously discussing marriage and children.

Im just very nervous. I’m well educated and have done decently with my career. As such I have a very carefree lifestyle when it comes to spending. I can definitely treat myself to nice skincare, the odd facial, nail appointments etc. I think it would be hard to roll that completely back.

My partner is a successful business owner (vet practice) and is comfortable. But nothing stratospheric.

I’m doing the maths and I’m just really not sure. I assumed I would be a SAHM for a little while when/if I had kids. But I also assumed I’d have 3 or 4 more years of savings under my belt before that point.

Bf has thrown around a few figures and I’m just really unsure what is reasonable.

Im definitely not high maintenance but I like to go out and I like to look after myself.

The idea of being given a budget is just so icky. What if I want a treatment one day? Will I have to ask my partner for permission? It’s so yuck. But I wouldn’t want to send my children to nursery when they are very young. So I see no other option than being given a budget.

partner would also prefer the SAHM option. I’m not against it per se just some aspects seem far from ideal.

When I was a SAHP I would have the same as DH we both had an agreed amount- still do

Ok so easily £400 this was a few years back and we have more each per month now.

I’ve just never considered how it would feel being “given” a budget. The whole thing makes me feel uncomfortable.

So don’t have kids
or go back to work and put them in Nursery
Why are you moaning about something you don’t have to do?🤷‍♀️

I'm having very serious discussions with my partner re wedding dates and when to try for a baby. I didn’t anticipate it would illicit such weird feelings. I assumed I wouldn’t want to put young children in nursery but the alternative seems tricky also ie being beholden to someone else financially.

Why would you be given a budget rather than create one for yourself? Your wording is odd and makes your partner sound controlling.

Oh he is not. He’s lovely!

Why would you have to ask permission?!

My DH does the budget because he’s better at it than I am, not really because he’s the sole income. We share the main accounts and then I have a totally separate one that he doesn’t access to which he transfers a set amount each time he gets paid for “fun” ie not on the kids, the family… things that are not necessities and are just for me. I probably spend 500-800 out of that each month and save the rest. Families with a SAHP manage their budget in all types of different ways, that’s just what works for us.

how much money other people have won’t make a difference to you. You will have to estimate costs and deduct those from your joint income after paying bills, saving etc, then you’ll know how much disposable money you will have and if it’s acceptable to you.

DH gets paid into our joint account, all bills, savings and necessities go from there and then we split whatever is left in half and transfer it to our personal accounts. In my case it's a pretty healthy budget, I don't spend it all on myself, a lot of it is spent on doing stuff with the kids etc.

Fwiw I absolutely wouldn't consider being a SAHM if I wasn't married. I trust and love my DH but I want legal entitlement to the home we share and other assets he's accruing while I'm doing all the unpaid work at home in the event our relationship isn't successful.

What numbers has he suggested OP? Then those of us who have recently had kids can tell you if his ideas are realistic and / or fair.

My partner and I agree it’s important we are married before kids for the sake of legal protection

£500. Which seems okay but there are months where I definitely spend more than that so I am concerned.

If he's making a decent amount of money then honestly that doesn't sound like a fair amount. I'd want more. Have you guys also discussed continuing contributions to your personal savings and your pension? How would big purchases work? Would you have to ask him if you wanted to spend more? Would he just be able to buy whatever he wanted without asking you? I'm just a stranger on the internet and maybe I'm getting the wrong impression but it feels like he's keeping all the power.

Not going to get too much help from this as everyone is different. £500 wouldn't last me a week, but that's not relevant to you.
What I would clarify is who's paying for all the children's stuff - often see on here that children expenses fall to the mum, for no good reason. £500 a month for you to spend on meals out with mates, trips, hair and nails is one thing. £500 out of which comes lunch with DC, DC soft play while you have a coffee with a mum friend, etc, is crap.

With that age gap you should think carefully about being a SAHM. Pension planning is much harder in age gap relationships (and you definitely need your own pension). I realise you are young and not really thinking about it yet but he is of an age where serious planning is taking place.
Agree that you would need to discuss what the money covers before you know if it's enough.

I'm a sahm and I don't have a fixed budget. I do most of my spending on DH's credit card as a named cardholder and it's paid off in full by direct debit. We view our finances as joint but we have various separate bank accounts. I probably spend less than average on beauty treatments, eg I never have nail or hair appointments and don't have a gym membership. But certain things are expensive (mounjaro, botox, eye surgery, hobbies, theatre tickets) and I don't check with DH before spending. It works for us because I have a mental sense of how much is sensible and we both have income and investments so not just relying on DH's salary.

I have £500 a month for myself, that doesn’t include anything for the home or children and also doesn’t include things like meals out/ concerts/ trips etc which come out of a separate recreational budget we have. I struggle with overspending so tend to find that having a strict budget for everything works really well for me and us as a family, DH is very relaxed so I’ve been the one setting the budgets really.

I Spend between £140-230 a month on things like hair/ nails/ eyelashes and the rest I tend to spend on my craft hobbies really. I rarely buy new clothes. It’s definitely enough for me, some months are tighter than others but I make it work. I really love being a SAHM but it’s also been necessary due to DS1’s complex needs so it’s about making the finances work for us to enable that and it’s important to us that we aren’t living beyond our means.

I know it’s not what you asked, but are you sure you want to have a baby with a man in his 50s? And be pressured to have a baby sooner than you had planned because he’s old and desperate? Leaving aside the maths of how much allowance he’ll give you each month, what about the maths of how old he’ll be when your children are teenagers (pushing 70)?

I struggled on £400 p/m after bills because you want to do nice things with/for your kids. After a weekly activity club, coffees and lunches with other mums, and buying things for the kids, there was hardly any left. All the sweet things like baby sign or toddler trampolining or day trips cost money. But that was the only option I had financially at the time. I think the fairest way to to day you share money during this time. Calculate the bills, divide what's left.

I was a SAHM, we never set a fixed budget, had joint account and neither of us took the piss, always discussed large purchases together beforehand, worked well for us as never any resentment or arguments about who contributed what.

£500 doesn’t sound very much at all tbh and I’d have to really compromise my spending on that .

I'm currently a SAHM. I don't have a "budget", we just discuss all of our expenses, both joint and individual, and where we could make savings if we need to, he doesn't tell me what I can and can't spend on myself.

Why do you have to have a budget? I assume he also will then? It’s not fair if you’re given a budget and he can spend what he wants. We have a joint account. Salary is paid into it and bills come out and we just buy what we want from what’s left. If it’s a big purchase we probably will mention it to each other, just out of respect for it being joint money (like a new laptop or something) but honestly I’ve no idea how much I spend every month. No idea how much he spends either.