If you’re a SAHM how much do you budget each month for yourself

[Lorcal]

For things like clothes, skincare, make up, beauty appointments, gym membership etc.

I somewhat unexpectedly got involved with a man (widower, no kids) and there is a significant age gap. 20 years. we have been together for two years. Im 31.

In my head I was in absolutely no rush to have children. But my partner is very much interested. We are very seriously discussing marriage and children.

Im just very nervous. I’m well educated and have done decently with my career. As such I have a very carefree lifestyle when it comes to spending. I can definitely treat myself to nice skincare, the odd facial, nail appointments etc. I think it would be hard to roll that completely back.

My partner is a successful business owner (vet practice) and is comfortable. But nothing stratospheric.

I’m doing the maths and I’m just really not sure. I assumed I would be a SAHM for a little while when/if I had kids. But I also assumed I’d have 3 or 4 more years of savings under my belt before that point.

Bf has thrown around a few figures and I’m just really unsure what is reasonable.

Im definitely not high maintenance but I like to go out and I like to look after myself.

The idea of being given a budget is just so icky. What if I want a treatment one day? Will I have to ask my partner for permission? It’s so yuck. But I wouldn’t want to send my children to nursery when they are very young. So I see no other option than being given a budget.

partner would also prefer the SAHM option. I’m not against it per se just some aspects seem far from ideal.

Ideally, the budget needs to be a percentage of his income which both of you deem fair. DH gives us £3000 a month but he also earns £10-20K so he gets to keep at least 80% of his own money. He doesn't have crazy spending habits though so that usually gets saved up for big joint expenses like home remodelling, holidays or cars.

From experience, there are two types of SAHMs. Some have to adhere to a budget that is similar to an average salary and if there's anything left over at the end of the month, you can spend it yourself on something fun. Some are given free access to all of their husbands money so they can spend thousands on a handbag if they want to, as long as it doesn't exceed what's coming in. Two very different models and once you've started down one path, it's nearly impossible to switch.

FWIW, after all our expenses have been paid, there really isn't much left over. I go the hairdresser twice a year and that's it (definitely no time for nails, massage, facials etc). I shop at Zara and Primark for myself and only to replace clothes that have become too old or worn to wear. Haven't seen the inside of a designer store for years. I do buy branded makeup & skincare from Sephora so that's probably the biggest expenditure for myself, but that's also just 3x a year when the products get used up.

I agree with the PP who says your spending habits really change after children. I prioritise entry tickets, fun events, food, sport equipment rentals, workshops etc. The list is endless so it easily eats up all the extra budget you have.

When I was a sahm I spent minimal on myself, essentials only as did exh because we didn’t have much money and spent on the children. I didn’t go without things i needed but i bought clothes in sales and Target, supermarket moisturiser, basic make up (im not a big wearer) and certainly no beauty treatments nor gym membership.

based on what you have said, im not really sure you are cut out to be a stay at home mum, or perhaps ready to be a mum, you simply have to put dc first and worrying about beauty seems odd to me. You go back to these things once they are older and I worked once they were older primary school

Btw I always had access to the only account, joint and I was very much in control of family finances, even when we divorced 20 years later exh had no idea how much we had in savings (substantial)

Whatever is leftover after mortgage, bills, kids’ costs savings and pensions - the family disposable income - is split equally between the two of you.

Tbh OP what most people do is keep their job and max out maternity leave. Once you have a baby and your life/priorities are almost unimaginably different to your life now then you’ll probably have a better idea of if being a SAHM is for you and what finances might look like.

SAHM with 1 baby is very different to SAHM with a toddler or SAHM with a small rabble.

I have to say, I don’t think it’s a good idea to have a baby at your age with a 50-odd yo man.

My dh is 53 and extremely fit and active for his age it even so I can’t imagine him doing nigh feeds etc now and his memory etc isn’t what it was. He’s slowing down, we both are (I’m 10 years younger).

He’d be 60-odd whilst the child was still in primary school.

Of course some people make it work and don’t care but really think very hard about this. As another pp said - he’ll be heading for retirement in 10 years.

So if you sometimes spend more but sometimes spend less, you should be able to cope with peaks and troughs as sometimes you'll have unspent money carried forward.

As for the amount, you're talking about non essentials, so it's whatever is affordable after bills, childcare costs, savings etc are paid. And it should be the same amount for you and your DH.

But do you want to give up work or is it more you are adverse to nursery? Would you be able to pick up your career again after a few years out when DC are in school? What about your pension?

Have you thought about you both adjusting your working hours, eg if you both work 4 days a week they might only need to be in childcare for 3 days. Also presumably as a practice owner, your DH to be can change his hours and decide to work 4 days a week and start early or finish late so he can do half the drop offs?

Don't automatically jump to you taking all the responsibility for childcare and the subsequent hit on your career and pension. He's brought up the subject of DC, so unless he's actually prepared to take on a good share of the hands on requirement s of being a parent, what's his actual reasoning for wanting DC?

Don't fall into the trap of going along with it if you're going to be doing the lion's share of the shitty parts and he just gets to be a 'proud dad' when it suits him.

Depends on partners salary. However, I would not plan to be a SAHM without being married, even when you are married it’s a deeply unequal system. How will you sort payments into your pension? Will these come from savings? How much have you saved? Unless £100k +, I would carefully consider things like: nursery fees, school fees (if you are fussy about this sort of thing), holidays, extra curriculars, they are all expensive and you won’t want to skimp with a new baby.

Take, say, 5 years out of your career in your early thirties to have a family and be a SAHM and you might just kill it off.

Then he’ll either be working long after he wanted to retire, or you’ll be working well below your potential. Likely resentment either way. If you split you’d be in a bad position.

Have maternity leave, then get yourself back to work.

I'm very suspicious of men who are

1. much older than their partner
2. pushing to have children
3. but want a SAHM without considering doing it themselves

I'd absolutely keep working in this situation.

Where do I get me one of these dudes who will give me £1k to spend on myself a month?? Joking aside, I’m simply incredibly jealous 😂. I have £200 a month for me and my two kids, and I have to buy clothes, if needed, out of that. That’s our ‘fun’ money. However I don’t have a partner, rich or otherwise by choice currently so it’s all on me. But I’ve got no debt, and a roof over our heads which will be paid off early, so I’ll try and count my blessings 😂.

You need to both agree to a budget for each of you for personal spending money and stick to it and this usually works best as part of properly combined finances as other PPs have described / fit into your long term financial goals as a couple. Best to be married for financial protection if you’re taking this route.

Spending money for the kids / kids activities should be separate.

You absolutely should not be “given” a budget or and allowance. You are his partner not his daughter.

£500 is what i have as personal spending right now, with a fulltime job and no kids. Work out the budget that works for you - dont let him dictate it. You need an honest look at shared finances.

Don’t be a sahm. Don’t take the risk. I did and I was utterly bulldozed financially. I believed and trusted my ex.

Jesus. Christ some of you have more money for ‘fun’ than I earn in a month 😭

I’m a SAHM and have been for a while now. I’ve never had a budget so honestly no idea what I spend on ‘me’. I don’t think I could be a SAHM if I had to account for all my spending like that. Some months I spend more others less. Husband’s salary goes into a joint current account. We both have our own credit cards and current accounts. (Credit cards get paid off from joint account). I have some easy access savings. All money is our money, there are no his and hers pots. As long as no one is taking the piss/ has wildly different ideas of spending then it’s fine. We would naturally discuss bigger purchases out of respect. We review finances together every so often so we know what we have and know we aren’t overspending, neither of us are big spenders and we are quite cautious when spending and debt adverse, I wouldn’t do it with someone who had a different approach to money to me.

Sorry if this has already been asked; does DBF have any ex’s or children of his own?

& how long have you known each other?

If you want to have kids in a few years then why can’t you use the time now from then to save up? I mean you said you are well educated so I’m surprised that this obvious solution didn’t jump at you.
also he will be well into his 50s. Again you said you’re well educated.

Never considered being a SAHM. I did what every single other person in my large workplace did & took maternity leave & came back. It’s not some sort of necessity or obligation.

I was previously a high earner and contributed a hell of a lot to our house purchase and pensions etc. I prefer getting an amount transferred to me every month as I can spend it how I choose without any feelings of guilt. We also have a joint credit card.

You sound a lovely, confident and ambitious person. Think carefully as I was in a similar age gap relationship and there can be imbalances on both sides. For example, you may end up being his carer in decades to come and that has a very distinct price tag both £ and emotional - so don’t sell yourself short in terms of ambitions or financial expectations.

I am a sahm and I "take care of myself". Gym membership 25£/ month. I colour my hair myself and get a haircut every 4 months (30£). I mostly buy Vinted. Never do facials or nails (it's disgusting caring for a baby with long nails- very unhygienical).

You are talking about vain stuff you don't really need. Are you sure you are ready to become a mother because your priorities sound like someone in their teens.

What an unkindly worded post. I hope you’re teaching your children not to speak so spitefully to people who don’t share the same interests as them.

We don't have a budget as such, we discuss spending anything over about £20 or we will agree to cut back in January etc. I don't spend much on me though. Toiletries get bought in the weekly tesco shop, shoes £50ish every 6 months, £100 a year on clothes. Once a week i go to a support group and buy a drink. That's about it really. Then there are activities for the dc but neither dh or I count that as stuff for me, even though I sometimes have to pay for myself to go with them.

You know that uncomfortable feeling you're getting - listen to it.

You said you weren't really sure about having kids yet.

You are being pushed into doing something that you're not sure about.

You're in an age gap relationship which brings it's own challenges.

Focus entirely on what you want, ignore what your partner wants.

If you want a bit more time to build your career and enjoy your life then do that - your partner's reaction to you asserting yourself will be important to note.