If you’re a SAHM how much do you budget each month for yourself

[Lorcal]

For things like clothes, skincare, make up, beauty appointments, gym membership etc.

I somewhat unexpectedly got involved with a man (widower, no kids) and there is a significant age gap. 20 years. we have been together for two years. Im 31.

In my head I was in absolutely no rush to have children. But my partner is very much interested. We are very seriously discussing marriage and children.

Im just very nervous. I’m well educated and have done decently with my career. As such I have a very carefree lifestyle when it comes to spending. I can definitely treat myself to nice skincare, the odd facial, nail appointments etc. I think it would be hard to roll that completely back.

My partner is a successful business owner (vet practice) and is comfortable. But nothing stratospheric.

I’m doing the maths and I’m just really not sure. I assumed I would be a SAHM for a little while when/if I had kids. But I also assumed I’d have 3 or 4 more years of savings under my belt before that point.

Bf has thrown around a few figures and I’m just really unsure what is reasonable.

Im definitely not high maintenance but I like to go out and I like to look after myself.

The idea of being given a budget is just so icky. What if I want a treatment one day? Will I have to ask my partner for permission? It’s so yuck. But I wouldn’t want to send my children to nursery when they are very young. So I see no other option than being given a budget.

partner would also prefer the SAHM option. I’m not against it per se just some aspects seem far from ideal.

I wouldn't honestly know how to spend £500 a month on myself. I buy myself something for £20 and that's pretty much my monthly budget done. I get £1100 a month and it all flies out on bills (rent, council tax, pet insurance, bus fair and food).

In your case it obviously depends how much your incomings and outgoings are, so you'd have to work out a budget based on that.

Doesn't make it not too old. There are increased risks with older sperm and, I can tell you, that having your dad die in your teens is not fun.

Very alarming! Is he looking for a stay at home carer, by any chance?

I am a SAHD in my fifties; my youngest is five, and there is a large age gap with my wife although not 20 years. There are parents in my DCs classes young enough to be my children who are nothing like as fit and healthy as I am and, to be blunt, quite a few in their thirties and forties who are still nowhere near being fully formed grown-ups capable of proper adulting. OP, you'll know whether his age and the gap will work for you, but don't let people here put you off with sweeping generalisations.

Our financial situations are very different but the comparable, relevant, part of our situation is this: we have no budget. I run up household expenses like groceries, car costs, kids clothes and activities on a credit card and my wife pays it off each month from her income. I put beer and wine (my 'treats') in the trolley at Aldi and they go on the bill too.

Any other personal expenses are minimal. When DCs were pre-school it might be soft play and a coffee once every couple of months, now it might be the Dads' trip to the pub on a Friday after school pick up once a term. I don't have a gym membership, don't need a barber, don't have massages, don't go to the football. Clothes (shirts, jeans, sweaters) amount to less than a fiver every three months at the community centre or go in the basket at Lidl/Aldi (socks, underwear). This is entirely compatible with 'looking after myself'; I just don't 'treat myself' because we're trying to live well within one income and make choices.

If I do need something more expensive - new phone, laptop, or pair of shoes - then I discuss it with my wife first and she'll usually be involved with the purchase. Ditto major expenses for the house like new TV or new furniture.

I know other couples that have tried to give the SAHP a budget. The problem with that is that it becomes a challenge and even an entitlement, they always end up spending more, and it doesn't end well.

I’m not a SAHM any more, but for DH and I, all money is family money and goes into jt account for bills, family expenses and savings. We each have £500 for personal spends transferred to our personal accounts monthly. We are both in decent salaries and currently he earns about £30k more than me but in the past I have earned double his salary.

I had 3 years as SAHM and during that time we re-prioritised things like eating out less, less into our jt savings, cheaper holidays, manage with one second hand car, etc and we maintained the equality of personal spending. We frequently reviewed our priorities.

Our philosophy was always that all our remuneration was for the good of our family unit

Where did he get £500 from - was this based on an informed analysis of your household budget, potential spending, and income?

How much would his personal spending budget be in this scenario?

Would the £500 need to cover spending on DC or just yourself? If yes, why?

Would he pay in to a private pension for you from his income and ensure your NI are maintained while you are not working? Would you be the named beneficiary on his pension?

Does he have children already? Would you be living in his house, or one that has been purchased jointly? What would his will intentions be?

Is he unilaterally making decisions or are you working as a team? Do you feel you could ask the above questions? If not, why not?

The age difference could be a red flag, however if there are issues with the above points, that would be far more concerning for me.

I never said we were struggling, just that there's not a huge amount left. The whole point of a budget is to spend within your means so you don't go over but also not excessively under. OP wanted a realistic opinion on SAHM budgets so this is one version of that. I would also argue 3K is not a massive amount for an entire family living in high COL city. My salary 15 years ago was already 3K per month.

We have two cars, all the associated car expenses, one main home, a smaller weekend flat and obviously bills associated with both. We rarely eat out but we have very high food spendings because we try to stay UPF free and organic whenever possible. This means a lot of cooking from scratch and not scrimping on the full array of ingredients. If you try to replicate restaurant meals at home with all the sides then the ingredients add up extremely quickly.

Keep working. Keep financial independence.
Age gap means he might die before you so what provision?
You could
Pay for a nanny between you it does not have to be a nursery.
Your spending amount should be set at 2x more than you need if he is well off With a trust that you will use responsibly
500 sounds likepocket money not grown up
How much does he have each month for hobbies etc?
And what about your pension payments?
Who will buy baby items?

We have combined income from both earnings and benefits. It all gets paid into one account and gets divided up each month. The amount for all direct debits for things like the mortgage and bills stays in that account then around £1200 is transferred to a "Spending" account and out of that is food shopping (and all the toiletries, cleaning products, nappies etc), diesel for the car and activities plus any other random small purchases comes out of that. Anything leftover is put into the savings account and we use that for anything else that isn't really a regular purchase like beauty treatments, new clothes, birthday presents etc.

So there isn't a fixed amount for personal spending each month although it definitely wouldn't be anywhere near £500 for me whereas I've seen other people say they would struggle to keep it below that so it really depends what your own personal outgoings normally are!

Hire a nanny, don’t give up your career so easily for mind numbing day’s minding a baby/toddler.
It is well for him to be in a rush, he won’t be raising the child.

Be very very careful OP. I strongly recommend all women remain financially independent regardless of the wealth of their partner.
returning to the work force is so incredibly difficult if you have a five year gap, all industries flex and charged over the time period, let alone 10 years.
How many years off retirement is your dp? What are his plans?
fwiw I wouldn’t accept £500 a month as an offer- the absolute minimum I would accept is whatever the going rate is for a full time nanny and full time housekeeper (who have no days off), because that is what you’d be signing up for

I’m at SAHM because our child is disabled. All DH’s wages go into one account. We get some benefits for her and that goes into the same account. We both have equal access and spend what we want/need within what we can afford. We don’t have a set budget each, we don’t ask each other for permission unless it is a large purchase which we discuss. If my hair needs doing I book it and pay out the joint account and he doesn’t say anything. He’s never told me I can’t have something or how much I’m allowed to spend.

If you feel the right thing for your children is staying at home rather then putting them into nursery then you shouldn’t allow a sense of feeling ‘beholden’ doing what you believe to be right. Once you have children, they come first. If it’s affordable for you as a family for you to stay home, you would have one role for that period and he would have another (earning an income). Neither role is better than the other. I feel like there is a sense somewhere that the income earner is doing the carer some kind of favour by providing an income. On the contrary, the person who has physically produced the babies has given something in the relationship that the other person can never give. I don’t say this to diminish anyone’s contribution but to highlight that the person paying for stuff isn’t somehow superior to another role in the family. I think it is a lot about trust, and understanding the worth of the role of a stay at home parent/carer. In my view, in order to have children with someone else, you should be able to trust them enough and value your role enough to be able to reply on them for income for a few years without feeling beholden. If you’re feeling beholden, I think there’s something wrong with the set up.

That’s not to say don’t go back to work when it feels right for you and the children and the family overall, but this sense of beholden-ness feels very wrong and something to be mentally investigated before you have children.

I have been a stay at home parent, and when it came to personal expenditure my attitude was ‘is this what I would have spent on myself when I was working? Is it affordable now? Do my husband and I have equal access to ‘fun’ funds?’ If the answer to those questions was yes, I wouldn’t have hesitated to spend that item. (Actually, I say I wouldn’t have hesitated, but the reality was I did hesitate. It has taken me a while to work out what I actually think is fair, and not be brainwashed into thinking that the only valuable contribution to a relationship and society is financial.)

Run for the hills, do have a kids with guy in his 50's when you are 31.

No one is brain washed, being financially aware is putting children first.
Finding out that your lovely DH is suddenly not so lovely and is financially controlling is a nightmare that happens to so many women.
They are experts at trapping women these type of men

I think you need to very seriously consider the implications, financial and practical before any baby, and it sounds like you're starting to do that.

So for us there was never an allowance, all money coming into the house goes into one account, money needed for bills goes straight out into a seperate account that neither of us carry a card for, the direct debits just roll out. Any money for savings gets taken out at that point too. The remaining money is joint money to spend on food, petrol, kids activities, days out, personal interests etc. I've never totted up who spends what from the pot.

My longer term concern would be your career if you want to be a SAHP and in an age gap relationship. If you plan multiple children how would stepping back into it in 10 years time work? It's a lot harder than most people expect unless you're looking at minimum wage type roles and even then the competition against someone with recent experience is tough. Despite having 15 years of experience and stepping out of mine at a senior level when I tried to go back I was only offered entry level graduate roles again, because I wasn't up to date with the field. I'm sure I could have progressed more quickly back to senior than the second time, but it was very disheartening to have a degree, masters, 15 years of experience and be looking at £28k salary again.Would you need to get up to date qualifications? Can you keep your experience up through part time work or volunteering in your sector? If you couldn't get back into your career at that stage how would household finances look if you're a SAHP and your partner has retired? Can the whole household live off his pension projection? Look 20 years further, how do you feel about providing caring responsibilities for an aging husband during your 60s (possibly 50s and 70s)?

FWIW I don't think nursery is a bad thing if you do start to consider that as part of your plan, especially when it's a balance of nursery and a day or two with a parent in the middle. Nurseries are great environments for helping children both with soft skills (sharing, communication etc) as well as starting to work with early numeracy, literacy etc. As a parent you naturally hate the seperation, but for the child often it can be a positive experience in a good setting. You also sound like your career is quite a part of your identity, and that's also an important factor to consider when making life plans. You are not failing yourself or your child either way by deciding on a balance of work/SAHP/nursery that works for all the family.

You've got time to work out a real annual budget, and to live on it for a year or more (during which time you can both save).

Similar to some other posters, dh and I like to have a number of accounts for different purposes. One for every household cost (every insurance, car tax, house costs, food bill, washing machine repairs etc). This will have to increase once a baby arrives so that all baby costs are included - clothes, activities, everything (not coming from 'your' allowance). Then calculate how much is left. We then split this 3 ways - a luxury or recreational account - for holidays, meals out, things you do together etc. then access to equal amounts for our own accounts with a proportion for personal spending, and a proportion to save.

We have nicknames for the accounts depending on the bank and the colour of the cards: A joint blue account for all household expenditure - presumably until a baby is born you will be contributing to this proportionately, and then if you are a SAHM your dp will be funding the full amount. We have a joint silver account that we put an agreed sum into for luxuries - the amount that goes in is the most variabe, as it sometimes needs to reduce depending on cost of living increases, or fluctuations in income.
Then I have a personal account and a savings account. So does dh.

This is not about 'your allowance' this is about how you and your dp jointly discuss and agree how the 'family income' is spent, and agree priorities for saving in both the short term and the longer term. Please don't be fobbed off if you dp says it will be OK, that you shouldn't worry he will take care of everything, or that he'd never see you go without. You need financial transparency, and you need to be on the same page about money and how it is managed. Do it now. Don't wait until you're married and a baby is here and you are in a vulnerable position with no income of your own. Also be clear about how hosehold chores will be split once you are a SAHM - if you take on a greater share it will be incredibly hard to cut back on that. He shouldn't be paying you to be a cook / cleaner, you are agreeing between you how responsibilities are shared.

I understand your concerns. During covid all my income stopped and for the first time ever in my adult life I felt beholden to dh, having to rely on him for money and ask if I needed anything. It feels like a very uncertain place. And this was in 30 year loving and supportive relationship with not a hint of controlling behaviour. It was not what dh did or said, it was simply a horrible way for me to feel.

We are now approaching retirement. Although I currently earn more, and contribute more to the family income, dh's pension is bigger than mine and now more than ever it is important that we understand our budget and our priorities and can communicate about all aspects of our finances.

I think tge fact you will feel beholden to anyone isn't a great way to view marriage. You should work out, as a couple how much spare cash is available and work from there. Im assuming you dont want joint finances which causes issues.
We never got kids despite spending thousands trying. My DH now earns easily 4 x my wage but I dont have to clear with him on how much 'I'm allowed'. Its in a joint account and we can each access what we want. We have a joint savings aswell as our own and ISAs
I wouldn't be with someone I felt beholden to, and especially wouldn't have kids.

What planet do some of you live on where £500 per month spending money is considered inadequate?!

A mixture really. i work part time now

No ‘budget’, just credit cards!

i had full financial oversight and could see when bigger bills were coming out, so i would choose not spend lighter depending.

Our household income wouldn’t have supported me buying a Chanel handbag every month. Not massive squillionaire territory.

But I could have spent spend a couple of hundred quid on clothes, replace my foundation, book a cheap break with pals without thought, grab food out whenever I want, nice gym membership, and it was a given that I would have my waxing, hair appointments when needed.

Money for pension, ISA/premium bonds too- more important than the trifles above.

I know lots of social media posts romanticise the trad wife ‘cutting your cloth’ thing, but unless my husband could have afforded to keep my savings topped up and made sure I had a comfortable and NICE way of living, then I absolutely would not have given up work for those years. That doesn’t mean fancy his -and-hers cars on finance or designer shopping trips, but just something that mirrored what you would do with your full time salary.

i loved being a SAHM for those years but it comes at a big sacrifice to identity. Having to ask for a small pocket money of pocket money each month which barely covers what you want, whilst doing daily childcare for toddlers sounds really really hard to me.

OP - this man has red flags all over. If he isn’t giving you a card and full oversight/access to the finances, you’re being treated like a child. It feels icky because it is.

is he paying into your savings? Pension?

if you are an equal partner- you set the budget yourself :))

I think you’re putting the cart before the horse a bit; you’re not even pregnant. It really doesn’t sound like you want to be a SAHM. And also it’s weird to decide that before you even have a baby-most mums I know couldn’t wait to go back to work after maternity leave. I wouldn’t commit to anything at this stage. It is totally your decision as well, and personally I’d never want to be financially dependent on my partner; anything can happen particularly with him being so much older. Has he really considered the extreme life change that having a baby brings? He’ll be well into his 70s when they become an adult.

She didn’t ask if she should go back to work after having a baby. She wants to be a SAHM so your advice is irrelevant. I know you don’t like when people discourage working mums so why I are you discouraging SAHMs?

OP sounds undecided to me. I also think it's rich of you to decide what is or isn't relevant since you have definitely given unwanted advice on here, very recently.

OP can decide if my advice is relevant or irrelevant.

I've been thinking about your thread @Lorcal and although I have loved being a working mum if I had married someone stinkingly rich I think it would have been an amazing luxury to be a stay at home.

However these would be my absolute red lines before I would do it. I would want to know that I was was building a decent pension so they would need to be room in the budget for decent pension contributions. I would want to be paid enough each month not only for nice fripperies but also to be able to build an independent savings and investment pot.

I would also want to really work through our understandings of financial priorities and spending priorities and have some very detailed discussions around how we imagine making financial and purchasing decisions as a couple. Having been the higher earner at times in my relationship I am really mindful that financial imbalance can affect both people's feelings about how much say they should get in decision making

Finally I would want to make sure that we really were wealthy enough to do this without it compromising the child or children's future. So I would want to know that we were able to put enough money aside for savings for their university or similar tertiary education. I would also want to know that we were very financially secure and there was no risk to our lifestyle if my husband became ill or lost their job or we needed to separate and live in different houses.
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Old fashioned would be totally shared money but heavily under criticism from the person making it.

I think the modern way is to agree what you're both comfortable with and set a budget together. That may mean it's a lot lower than you want but higher than he wants. Compromise.