If you’re a SAHM how much do you budget each month for yourself

[Lorcal]

For things like clothes, skincare, make up, beauty appointments, gym membership etc.

I somewhat unexpectedly got involved with a man (widower, no kids) and there is a significant age gap. 20 years. we have been together for two years. Im 31.

In my head I was in absolutely no rush to have children. But my partner is very much interested. We are very seriously discussing marriage and children.

Im just very nervous. I’m well educated and have done decently with my career. As such I have a very carefree lifestyle when it comes to spending. I can definitely treat myself to nice skincare, the odd facial, nail appointments etc. I think it would be hard to roll that completely back.

My partner is a successful business owner (vet practice) and is comfortable. But nothing stratospheric.

I’m doing the maths and I’m just really not sure. I assumed I would be a SAHM for a little while when/if I had kids. But I also assumed I’d have 3 or 4 more years of savings under my belt before that point.

Bf has thrown around a few figures and I’m just really unsure what is reasonable.

Im definitely not high maintenance but I like to go out and I like to look after myself.

The idea of being given a budget is just so icky. What if I want a treatment one day? Will I have to ask my partner for permission? It’s so yuck. But I wouldn’t want to send my children to nursery when they are very young. So I see no other option than being given a budget.

partner would also prefer the SAHM option. I’m not against it per se just some aspects seem far from ideal.

I don’t have a budget, I have a credit card that DH pays off every month. He’s never commented on how much I’ve spent. I’m like you, I like to look after myself so my ‘personal care’ expenses are quite high.

£500 wouldn’t be enough for me and the kids, but I don’t know how much it costs you to get your nails/hair done or how much kids activities cost in your area.

My 1 year old goes to nursery 1.5 days a week, my 3.5 year old goes 3.5 days a week and I didn’t have to ask permission for this.

He should also be paying towards pension contributions for you as IMO that’s the biggest loss if you’re going to be a SAHM. Even though I have a credit card, we still have a joint account that he gets paid into and I can see what’s going on in there.

If you’re going to be a SAHM you should be married first so you have more protection. I also own a percentage of DH’s business (my dad originally owned half and he sold it to me - that was always the agreement once DH had paid him back the money my dad had given him back in start it) so I get paid dividends and will have further protection if anything ever happens. There’s no way I would have agreed to being a SAHM without any of those things in place.

The trouble with trying to predict a budget like this atm is that you need to know very precisely what that money will cover.

If you have £600 literally for your own personal spending eg for leisure and things like make up, that is loads.

But if it has to cover your pension payment, your clothes, a weekly educational class, your lunches out, family birthday presents, a gym membership, petrol in your car, your child’s tumble tot class, your child’s toys, shoes, clothes and haircut, an extra little top up grocery shop per week, it doesnt’t go very far at all.

Also, if it doesn’t include your baby’s and toddler’s things, how would this work? Would you have to ask for that money each time?

Ditto the pension

Ditto car insurance, maintenance and petrol,

Ditto entertaining at home,

Ditto the extras required at birthdays and Christmas and trips to see your family.

The other issue, is that it shouldn’t work like this, but the person who earns the money can sometimes tend to have slightly more power in the relationship when it comes to things like home renovating decisions , car buying and holiday destinations. It might not even come from them but from yourself if you feel guilty about not earning! You may feel reluctant to suggest things.

Also, for home maintenance spending, the nicest most generous husband may have very different spending priorities to you and they may not see the need to shell out for a new hoover, oven, French windows, lawn mower or downstairs loo, but if you are at home all day with the dc, those things could be quite important. Would you have to ask permission to buy a new washing machine? Or would there be a separate household budget where those expenses would come from? Would you be in control of it or him? Or would you have joint access?

Would there be a spending amount above which you would have to ask permission or run it past him? If so, what would that amount be?

What happens if you thihk that the sitting room needs painting and that it could do with new sofas and a rug and he doesn’t see the need?

At least do not agree to have an allowance without identifying how each and every item in your outgoings will be negotiated and paid for. But that’s quite difficult as it will be things you don’t know you need yet!

The other thing about being the non-earner is that it is not as easy to insist on full financial transparency. If you get given your monthly allowance then it’s harder to say to your husband, ok let’s have a look at all of your income from stocks and shares and that ISA you took out in 2005 plus all of your earnings, bonuses, personal spending for the past ten years.

It should suddenly become all transparent and shared but you would be surprised at the number of husbands who keep this information to themselves or aren’t fully open about financial matters. And that can make planning and working towards joint saving and financial goals quite difficult.

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Also, if you are the one at home then most of the boring jobs by default tend to fall to you eg cleaning, food shopping, laundry, cooking. And that’s great if you enjoy being at home but it can be a lot of drudgery once children arrive, if your house is quite big, and it can also be quite lonely and isolating. And it again can skew the power dynamic in your relationship.

You may enjoy being a sahm for ten years but then feel terribly bored and frustrated by it and by then you can’t go back to work at the level you were once at or can’t find a job at all that matches your qualifications,

Husbands can also develop certain expectations about your availability and time as an sahm whereas if you are working you can be much more independent.

It’s all much better if you don’t give up working and buy in a mother’s help or cleaner, a gardener, a baby-sitter, or nanny or whatever .

Bluntly, you just don’t know if your husband is going to be stingy or not until you are in that sahm situation and you put yourself in quite a vulnerable position without options if you stop working completely,

Lastly, you and your other half may be pretty well matched in energy now, but once you are forty and your husband is sixty, your energy levels will start to become mismatched and you may need to earn, do most of the childcare and household chores!

Think very carefully! Good luck!

We did the ‘we’re a team’ thing but from myself and others I know they don’t really mean that, they want a sahp but also not to have to spend too much (understandably I guess, one wage, they’re supporting a whole family).

Men don’t spend what women spend, not only on clothes hair etc, but also men do eg day trips etc on the extremely cheap, they don’t want to buy or spend anything!

I got back to work quickly and would personally not recommend not being at least part time when you have children. I know other families are different but everyone I know personally ended up having huge problems with their partner over spending as a sahp

This!

The boyfriend has had over half a century to sort his life out.
Listen very carefully to that hesitancy your body is screaming at you. Look up the risks of geriatric sperm and really think about your life with him in ten years, and twenty years.

Wow, calling her partner old and desperate is fucking disgusting. He's 51, hardly an old man. My DH was 53 when our son was born and was in better shape than me at 36. Just because you wouldn't have a relationship with an older guy, don't make shitty comments to OP about her choices. OP I think that you either need to get used to the thought of being given a budget or just not being a sahm for as long as you'd like after mat leave.

I would be concerned about his plan especially with regards to your ages - if you have two kids+ and don't go back till the youngest is age 3/4 you could be out of the workforce for 8-10 years by which point he'll be thinking seriously about retiring while you're restarting your career. He's had 30 years of working to build his finances and is asking you to step back during peak earning years? No thanks. What hours does he do? What changes is he making so he can facilitate kids or is it all on you? It's no good having £500 to spend if you never get any time off to go to the gym or get your nails done or go shopping (obviously you could save it all for a fuck off fund which sounds sensible).

I dont agree with calling anyone “old and desperate”. 50s is not old but it is old to be having children. A 50s can be fitter than a 30s but they are still at risk of age related illnesses and their bodies are physically older.
Thats not to say I think you mad a bad choice or that they OP would be making a bad choice. I’m sure there are lots of stories of men in their 50s raising children & happily living until old age. But the risks are higher.

Of course what you say is right but I was just shocked at what the poster was saying about him purely based on his age. Calling someone old and desperate is disgusting no matter the reason for it

We're a single income household, have been for around 6 years (essentially, I run the show and my husband funds it). Married 23 years, our daughter is 15 now.
Our accounts (everyday, savings and investment) are all in joint names with our own cards/book, always have been, and I've always oversaw them (my husband has log ins, he just isn't interested in finances beyond knowing the bills are being paid). We have a 'float' account my husband usually uses to buy his bits and bobs, I use either or for mine (hair, nails, aesthetic etc appointments). Shifting money between main/float via the banking app is easy for managing our money/spending (and I prefer using the float for online purchases, for security reasons - there's a lot less kept in our float than our main account).
I couldn't imagine having an allowance (as opposed to equal access to our household income), it wouldn't work for me.

What stuff do you have to pay for that you are struggling on £3k a month?

If I'd been a sahm I'd have had nothing for myself. Had to work to pay for lufe

I know it wasn't asked, but the amounts people spend on crap is eye-watering.

It doesn’t sound like the right time to have a baby nor necessarily the right relationship for you to do this in.

The hurry is all because of him and his age, not you. You have to consider if you want a baby that soon, and it doesn’t sound as though you do.

If you want to be SAHM when you have kids, you have to consider when is the right time for you to take that break from your career. It doesn’t sound like you’re at that stage. Also, do you really want to be a SAHM and lose your independence in that way?

”Setting a budget” is something that’s definitely done together and as a household. And you need to be clear what expenses are included in said budget - children’s expenses should be separate and come from joint funds, and that includes things like taking the children out for the day. Most importantly, if you have a fixed budget, he has one too, and it’s the same amount. You’re a team if you have kids and your role in allowing him to work by doing the childcare is as important as his.

Worrying about money for hair and nails seems a bit short term of you given his age. Just a quick skim through the thread there’s much more macro things to be looking at . Your priorities may change once kids come along but you can’t really fathom until until they do , just one of those things that’s a personal journey .

Given he isn’t loaded loaded then decisions need to be made on how a finite pot of money is spent between you and your priorities need to align . I wouldn’t be happy for one of us in my marriage to spend hundreds of pounds on beauty treatments if it meant not saving for children’s future or having holidays for example. I think you are asking the wrong question. Start with some joint planning on your shared priorities and goals then proportion of joint income.

What is he suggesting he gives himself?

In my opinion, all finances should be shared when getting married, with each partner having equal access to the account, and an equal say in what the money is spent on.

That said, it's fine to have a set budget for things, such as food, housing, bills, cars, holidays, childrens things, pensions, savings, personal spends etc. Unless your partner has such a high income that there's no need to worry about how much is spent. These should be set by discussing it together. You shouldn't be 'given' a budget your husband.

To me, £500 sounds plenty, if it's just personal spends - clothes, beauty, gym, lunches out etc. But also bear in mind, that you are unlikely to be spending nearly as much as you do now on these things as a SAHM, especially in the pre-school years. Honestly, in the very early days, you are lucky if you can just have a shower in peace!

As someone that had a great career and ended up being a SAHM for 4 years - now back working full time - I would not put myself in a position where I couldn't get back to my career. Having kids changes relationships and can strain them - keep your independence, work part time but do not turn your back completely on your career.
People can be really lovely but things can change - always protect yourself.

I'm now a sahm and married and no budget joint account one separate where all bill money goes once a month...discuss big purchases both spend from it as we want no problems for us

Is he also going to pay into a pension for you?

Hmm my ex husband was awful with money. If we'd had a joint account bed have cleared it within the first week.

I'm not too sure what you are asking here.

If the plan is to get married and have children, is your partner refusing to give you joint access to all income and wants you to have access only to your own "budget"? I'd be very wary. For me, once you are living as a family, all income should be family income and you should have access to everything.

If it's more a case of whilst you are not working, money might be a bit tighter and you need to have a stricter budget, I'd work out what how much you currently both spend on everything then look at areas where you can both make cut backs to ensure you have enough money to cover your essentials then you should both have a fair budget to work spend on non essentials.

Could you go very part time, 2 or 3 days a week? Or get a nanny if you aren't keen on nursery.
I personally would hate not having my own money. I'm not sure fan of all money being family money as MN loves.
We have a joint pot for ALL family expenses and then we spend and save as we choose.

I am not a SAHM now but I was. We had equal spending money. At times that was almost nothing and at times much more. The important thing for our marriage was it was entirely shared and equal. I think whatever the figures are it must be pretty miserable if your spouse is spending money and you’re much worse off and not in the spirit of a partnership. We had combined finances so we didn’t have a budget as such but could both see and access our commitments, bills and income.

50 is just way too old to be having a baby. I would be reconsidering the relationship, honestly.

Yet there's plenty of mums on here seem to have babies between 40-45. So probably plenty of dads around 50