To be furious at my ‘supposedly’ best friend?

[missblueberrypie]

My ‘’best friend’’ is getting married in a few months. We’ve known each other since primary school and we always had an agreement that when we get married we would have each other as our maid of honours. I kept up my end of the bargain when I married my DWife three years ago. I fully expected that I would receive the same honour but apparently not. I found out that I will be a bridesmaid whilst her sister is the maid of honour. I might be overreacting but I am quite upset and frankly furious. I thought we knew each other better than this and I don’t know if the relationship will ever be the same tbh. I was even more heartbroken when she said that the reason behind this snub is the fact that I am pregnant and would not be able to put 100% effort into wedding planning. What should I do going forward?

It's fine to feel disappointed but crying all day is a bit dramatic in the scheme of things. Christ knows I've got serious things to cry about, I shan't bore you with a list, but not being MOH wouldn't even rate on it. And a secret? When all the photos are done, you can't tell an MOH from a bridesmaid. Or during the ceremony and reception.

I understand your hurt OP. You feel like this promise you made has encapsulated your friendship ...you made a bond in primary school that has stood the rest of time, and now this is "tested" on her side, you feel like you've been misled all along because you equated this role with what you mean to each other, and now you feel you're less to her than what you thought, and what she is to you.

Separate this for a minute, is your friendship as strong and equal in every other way? Are you there for each other, have fun etc? Do you think you're her best friend, or one of? That's what matters. She would probably love to have you as her MOH but she can't have two and the message to her sister would be much more of a snub. Maybe she doesn't realise just how much it means to you. Why don't you consider yourself chief bridesmaid and just get involved, show her what she does mean to you (because this is the bit that you need to take heed...this is her wedding and it is her choice, whatever her reasons and you shouldn't spoil that for her).

Think carefully here....you feel what you feel, but consider where you want to be the other side of this wedding.

And here we have it …

Get a grip!! Maybe she doesn't want someone so dramatic to be her MOH. I certainly wouldn't.

You are married and expecting a child, it's time to grow up.

Really?! The world is going to hell in a hand cart and you are worrying about this? Of course sisters / family take priority, rightly so if they get on /are close. BM is still an honour- just with less faff & organising. A win I’d say!

Motherhood is exactly what OP needs! That’ll put things into perspective o- what’s important and what’s really not!

She's already got one baby (having said that I think that comment was uncalled for, she might be a totally mature mum and just feeling touchy about this one thing)

🤣

Look, there’s absolutely nothing you can do in this situation.

If you say something it’s going to sour her wedding and she (rightly) isn’t going to change her decision. It might also undermine your friendship.

I’m going to be honest, if you said this to me in the lead up to my wedding, I’d probably bin you as a bridesmaid too.

You of course have the option of cutting all contact but that would be one of the greatest examples of cutting off your nose to spite your face in the history of the universe.

So you’re just going to have to suck it up, and perhaps work on how you react to things.

People are being so mean to you! I would feel sad too - you wanted to be her person on her special day, not just one of the support crew (6 other bridesmaids is a lot!).

it’s horrid when you think the friendship you valued so much perhaps doesn’t mean as much to her

maybe she just felt she couldn’t say no to her sister.it doesn’t seem like she has been very decisive - not a lot of brides have 7 people in their retinue!

Ditch the notion of besties, it's for kids. Don't go to the wedding, send a polite no thanks, and move on. You're right, you're not that important to her anymore, such is life.

Friendships often sputter and die natural deaths as we get older, this is one of those times.

Oh just realised you're still a bridesmaid, so were given a place of honour, and you actually think you should usurp her sister 😅😂 Bahahahaha! Leave the poor woman alone.

Bloody hell, you have your second child on the way and you have been “crying all day” because you’re going to be playing a slightly less important role than you wanted at somebody’s party. I sincerely hope this is pregnancy hormones but if isn’t then please give your head a wobble and, if you really want some perspective, go and read some threads on the infertility board so you can see just how much you have to be thankful for.

Oh well, that changes everything 😂😂😅

I'd be upset too OP if my best friend didn't 'choose' me, as we have always promised to be each others. I have just chosen her to be mine but in 3-4 years time when she eventually gets married our relationship might change somewhat and I wouldn't get my knickers in a twist about it. She might have gotten closer to her sister. I'd understand if you weren't even a bridesmaid but you are included in the wedding party nethertheless, so what is the issue? No point spending a day crying about it.

Furious...bloody hell OP you are acting like she slept with your husband, rather than she chose her sister as MOH.

You need to get a grip sense of perspective.

I get it OP. You made each other a promise and now you feel betrayed because she's broken her end of the deal. You feel even more hurt as you may not have asked her to be your MOH if you hadn't thought that promise to be binding. I'm guessing you're someone who values truth, loyalty, integrity, justice, faithfulness etc very highly too (all very good qualities obviously). You may also be someone who considers your friendships with others to be closer than is sometimes reciprocated. Perhaps you occasionally get disproportionately upset about things that don't even register as a problem with other people too.

If any of the above rings true for you then I'd kindly suggest that you look into an autism diagnosis as this is a very autistic way of thinking. And with respect, your reaction to your friend choosing her sister as maid of honour is unreasonable too. I hope you're able to overcome your hurt and have a lovely time before and at the wedding, knowing you're a very valued friend having been asked to be (possibly the only non-family?) bridesmaid.

I'm an only child and never in a million years would I have carried on like OP.

Edited because decided it was a bit mean! I'm sorry you are upset but you are still a bridesmaid, try and enjoy it.

You don’t need to know them.

Its. Not. Your. Wedding.

I found out that I will be a bridesmaid whilst her sister is the maid of honour.

How did you find out? From someone else? Sounds like you’re hurt because she hasn’t acknowledged or explained up-front why she hasn’t chosen you.

Have you discussed being each other’s MOH recently? If not, would she remember the ‘agreement’ you made at school? Or think it still applied? I doubt most people remember what they said at school. Maybe it meant more to you than it did to her: understandable if you have no siblings for such roles.

Close friends are gold as you get older. Best not to throw away a good friendship over roles at a wedding. It’s unlikely she’s snubbed you on purpose. Sounds like she was being thoughtful to you due to your pregnancy or felt obliged to choose her sister. If you have a great friendship, talk to her about it, without appearing entitled or presumptious. It’s her wedding and as a good friend you should respect and support her choices.

Only bit of advice I have is to GTFU.

Are you taking the piss this has got to be your pregnancy hormones talking you didn’t seriously snub her sister because of a silly little promise you made as kids in primary school 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

I was MOH at my sisters wedding, a highlight of my life. If I ever got married I would want her as mine. My best friend of decades who is like a sister to me would be a bridesmaid. My best friend wouldn’t care at all. Tbf I wasn’t involved in any planning with DSis wedding at all. Take a back seat for a few days and really think this through. It’s no reason to throw away such a friendship. DSis and I even practiced the throwing of the bouquet so that I’d catch it but on the day a nifty little jumping kid snaffled it 😂

I could never have picked even a bf over my sister to be moh, even if we did make a promise at school.
I would be upset at another friend being picked over me, oe even a cousin, but not a sister.
You don't know if picking you over her sister would cause any upset within her family.
You're still her bf so just relax & enjoy the day with her. Don't spoil her day or a lifelong friendship over this.