To be furious at my ‘supposedly’ best friend?

[missblueberrypie]

My ‘’best friend’’ is getting married in a few months. We’ve known each other since primary school and we always had an agreement that when we get married we would have each other as our maid of honours. I kept up my end of the bargain when I married my DWife three years ago. I fully expected that I would receive the same honour but apparently not. I found out that I will be a bridesmaid whilst her sister is the maid of honour. I might be overreacting but I am quite upset and frankly furious. I thought we knew each other better than this and I don’t know if the relationship will ever be the same tbh. I was even more heartbroken when she said that the reason behind this snub is the fact that I am pregnant and would not be able to put 100% effort into wedding planning. What should I do going forward?

Then they are family….that’s very important to lots of people

You had a hope that this would be possible but really some discussion you had in childhood and you're going to ruin a long term friendship? I think it would be odd if there was a sister and she wasn't the maid of honour. Incidentally, as a married woman you couldn't be a maid of honour, you could be a matron of honour though.

Isn't a maid of honour just any adult bridesmaid? A synonym for matron of honour, who is an adult bridesmaid who is already married herself? So all the adult bridesmaids who do actual wedding marshalling duties are MoH and the cute kiddy ones who turn up on the day are just 'bridesmaids'.

If I were you, OP, I'd text her "I'm black and blue/Out with you".

Or maybe you could sue her for breach of contract? Still, if the deal was made in secondary school the two of you may not have had capacity to enter into a legally binding contract. Best get legal advice.

Well she’s got a maid of honour (who is married) and I am neither matron nor maid

Shit you should have said! In that case, it's legally binding.

Ofcourse you are! But if she’s close to her sister, she has no option but to have her as the MOH.

She could have two MOHs though! There’s no rules against it that I know of. But, I don’t think she actually thought of that.

When you’re heavily pregnant, and not having to run around on wedding prep, you’ll be pleased about it for sure!

It’s ok to be upset about it, but then you need to rationalise & see it from her perspective. Then let it go.
Enjoy your friendship and enjoy the wedding.
After it’s all out the way you’ll realise weddings aren’t the be all and end all anyway. A whole load of fuss about nothing in most cases.

Ahh so it's all about you and never the blushing brides...

Crying all day, feeling like you’re not important any more, invoking deals… honestly, I know you’re pregnant but this is batshit levels of lost perspective. It’s her sister fgs, of course she gets to be MoH, and if you only made her MoH on the basis of a silly deal to get to be hers then it wasn’t really meaningful anyway. You need to get some perspective and enjoy being part of your supposed best friend’s wedding party. You’ll have a baby soon and realise there are more important things in life that sobbing over who gets to plan a hen do. Find your worth in more important things then no one can make you feel unimportant.

Well some of the others aren’t as close as you might be being distant cousins but you are not as close as a sister. I mean my longstanding best friend is the closest to having a sister I will ever get but we are both only children. We might not be as close if either of us had a sister or brother.

You're making her wedding all about you, which would suggest that she has made the right decision.

But her sister and her always argued and now her sister lives halfway across the country.

Do you have a sister OP?

I understand why your feelings are hurt, you had a deal and you feel like she's reneged on it, and you feel like you've been "relegated" to Bridesmaid, rather than MOH. It's totally fine to feel a little bit upset, particularly whilst pregnant, when you'll be feeling things more keenly than usual.

It sounds like you have enjoyed a wonderful friendship with the Bride over the years, it would be a shame to let this come between you. Based on what you've told us about how close you are, I strongly suspect that her reasoning is a kindness towards you, rather than a snub. Try to look at it that way, give her the benefit of the doubt; remember this is your best friend of many, many years, is she really likely to have done this out of malice?

If it's really eating you up, I would have a quick chat with her about it. Just let her know you don't intend to fall out over it, but you're a little hurt that you won't be her MOH, but will do all you can to support as a Bridesmaid.

No I’m an only child 😔

😂not enough jokes about competence to create legal relations on the weddings threads

OMG sisters who actually argue?

How unusual 😱😱

Grow up!

It’ll be the hormones. Everything will look better in the morning.

There's a certain wedding etiquette to follow. Father (if you have one) gives you away. Brother (if the groom has one) is best man, otherwise best friend. Sister is chief bridesmaid or matron of honour and bridesmaids are a mixture of friends, nieces, cousins, children of friends. You must accept your role as a bridesmaid and not express your disappointment to your friend. It's stressful enough organising a wedding and keeping everyone happy, prove what a good friend you are and keep your feelings to yourself. If I had a small child to look after on the day, and I was pregnant, I wouldn't even want to be a bridesmaid, let alone a maid of honour.

It doesn’t matter. It’s her sister. Unless they’ve had an almighty fall out and have gone NC, then most siblings argue, it’s normal.

If I was to get married, I’d have to have my sister as MoH because it would be totally unthinkable in the family for me not to, whether I wanted to or not. My family would think it really odd that I didn’t ask my own sister, and we argue like cat and dog. 🤣

Can you not understand this reasoning? Your friend might be put in a difficult position over this. Talk to your friend if it’s bothering you so much that you’ve cried all day.

I vote ... Mumsnet Classic

It's her sister!!

Circumstances change and even feeling a bit disappointed over it is fine but this is such a crazy, extreme reaction if she has been a consistently good friend.

I have 2 "best friends" and when we were younger we too had these convos. 1 friend married first and neither of us were bridesmaids she only had her friend from primary school (who she saw way less) and I was witness, friend 2 was a guest. It did not change the friendship. I won't lie I was a bit gutted as I'd never been a bridesmaid before and really wanted to be a bridesmaid, but I got over it, and was just so happy for her getting married. I got married next and had them both as bridesmaids (no MOH although 1 sort of assumed that role) Then when the 3rd of us got married, 1st friend was invited to the ceremony (just family, she helped with hair and make up so was asked to go to ceremony) but I wasn't. No hard feelings, no judgement from any of us because we're all grown ups and understand situations change, circumstances force hands. It's life.

If she has been a genuine friend you'd be absolutely ridiculous to throw away a friendship over something like this. Honestly if you're willing to throw it away then maybe she deserves a better "best" friend.