To be furious at my ‘supposedly’ best friend?

[missblueberrypie]

My ‘’best friend’’ is getting married in a few months. We’ve known each other since primary school and we always had an agreement that when we get married we would have each other as our maid of honours. I kept up my end of the bargain when I married my DWife three years ago. I fully expected that I would receive the same honour but apparently not. I found out that I will be a bridesmaid whilst her sister is the maid of honour. I might be overreacting but I am quite upset and frankly furious. I thought we knew each other better than this and I don’t know if the relationship will ever be the same tbh. I was even more heartbroken when she said that the reason behind this snub is the fact that I am pregnant and would not be able to put 100% effort into wedding planning. What should I do going forward?

See I understand where you're coming from with this, but your post talks about being furious she broke a promise she made as a child and that really is totally unreasonable.

You're not unreasonable to feel hurt and upset, although you'd be unreasonable to make a thing of it. Say nothing.

I don't think its a sign you're less close than you thought, just reflective of her relationship with her sister. Very few women would sideline their sisters in this situation.

Keep your disappointed to yourself, remember weddings intensify feelings all around and focus on being the friend you are to her. If you leave her room to do likewise, you'll probably be reassured - just don't hang things on this wedding, weddings are madness.

Please do "catch yourself on" as we say in our family. Sisters (even if they fight like cat and dog most of the time) always get first go, can you imagine how it would go down if they didn't ! I think it is lovely that you have been asked to be bridesmaid. Even if I was "nothing", I would be happy to go to this wedding and take part in the enjoyment. She is still your best friend, she is having to make some choices right now about who comes and who plays which role, but all of it is really irrelevant, it is a few hours. Just go in the role that has been asked and take every pleasure in making it a good day for you both, and enjoy it xx

She probably also thinks she's doing you a favour as you are pregnant so it's more a turn up role, rather than planning, maybe helping set up and tear down etc role.

I think you’re deeply overreacting.

You’re still a bridesmaid, and the maid of honour is her sister, not some random other mate.

Just go, do your bridesmaid stuff, having a jolly time, and be happy for her.

What should I do going forward?

Remember you’re an adult, would be a good start. Maybe it would help to concentrate on what you DO have: an invitation to be a friend’s bridesmaid? That’s lovely isn’t it? It’s quite an honour and as someone who’s never been asked I find your response horrible. You can do better for your friend and for yourself.

I wasn’t even a bridesmaid at my MOH’s wedding.. it was a long time later and life moves on. I was happy for her and attended joyfully. Honestly this is not a snub. Please let it go and enjoy this fun time with your friend before you show yourself up.

A boy proposed to me at primary school with a daisy ring. Should I hold him to it now, forty years later? Slight complications - I'm now happily married, and so is he ... to his husband.

But I love planning and she knows this. I feel like I’m going never to get to be a maid of honour. I was so excited as I love weddings. I’ve been crying all day over this

So… firstly, you’re still very important to her - she’s asked you to be her bridesmaid. I was my very good friend’s bridesmaid and her sister was maid of honour - despite the fact they weren’t that close. It’s just the done thing. Secondly, you can still be massively involved. The maid of honour will likely be grateful of any offers of help. In my experience there’s loads to do so there wont be a shortage of jobs! Thirdly, I wonder if actually your friend was trying to be considerate. If you’re pregnant there’s lots of unknowns - you could start to feel quite tired or sick and be relieved that you didn’t have that added pressure. In any case, please do not lose a long-term good friend over this. Life is too short, and if you’re as good friends as you say you are, there will be tons of ups and downs to support each other with over the course of your marriages. This is just one day 😊

I'll give you a pass on the crying as you're pregnant but, kindly, grow up.

i don’t think sickness would be a problem as this is my second and I was fine on the first

You realise she’s getting married because she wants to right? Not to please you. Stop being so self absorbed and grow up.

I understand that you're hurt. I think you've had lots of really horrible replies, nasty & bitchy for the sake of it. 😢

Personally I'd be hurt but also relieved, this way as your pregnancy advances you can rest more & not be stressed out by bridezilla.

I think it will impact your relationship going forward. At least until she shows you in someway, that she's there for you or she needs you. Life has a habit of presenting these situations.

xx

I wasn't even a bridesmaid at my MOH's wedding. There was complex family dynamics whereby it just made her life easier for her to have her sister and SIL. I went wedding dress shopping with her, organised her hen do jointly, helped her get ready. I didn't need a title, but I got to be there for my best friend on her special day. Kindly OP, this is not your day, it's your friends. I know you are disappointed, but please try to move on from this, if they are as good as a friend as you think they are, they won't have done this to upset you, but because they think it's the best choice.

a sister trumps a friend . it’s that simple . doesn’t mean you aren’t important to her .
but understand that you might hold a different weight to your friendship. She has 6 bridesmaids, so i’m guessing she’s very sociable/popular and considers all 6 to be best friends. so brace yourself for sharing her .

You’re being utterly ridiculous.

But the others aren’t as close as we are - I don’t even know some of them. I think they’re distant cousins or something like that?

Alexa defines "maid of honour" as an unmarried woman who is the chief attendant of a bride. As you are married, I hope that makes you feel better. Enjoy the wedding 💐

It doesn’t but I appreciate you trying to make me feel better 🙏

Get a life, of course she’ll choose her sister.

I only said primary school to long how known we’ve known each other. Our deal was made in secondary school

You are ever going to compete with her sister….like never …..it was never going to happen…..no matter what she said…..just enjoy being a bridesmaid

I say this with no malice OP, but you sound quite emotionally immature. It’s her sister, she probably realised she can’t get married without asking her own sister to be MOH. It might have caused bad feeling in the family if she’d have chosen anyone but her.

It’s clear you’re important to your friend for her to ask you to be bridesmaid. Your reaction to this seems way out of proportion. Are you a very literal person?

I’d personally try to see things from her perspective a bit and leave it, but if you must, then you can say to your friend how hurt you are that she went against your childhood agreement. See what she says. There’s a chance she might think you’re being OTT but she also might apologise and explain her reasoning, if that would help you forgive her?