To expect my DS to be invited too

[SoggyDunkedBiscuit]

So my partner’s youngest son is turning 21. My partner is organising a meal to celebrate for him, his other 2 son’s at a pub near our home as the son whose birthday it is lives in North Yorkshire. He is coming to stay with my partner this weekend. He isn’t one for organising things and as this is a special birthday I have suggested he does as it is not often he and all his son’s get together. One has recently returned from living abroad with his gf for 2 years. My partner has been married twice and his youngest son is from his second marriage. This isn’t important, although my DS is 20, has met all his sons and I am invited but my ds isn’t up to now. We have been in a relationship about 18 months and my partner sees more of my ds than his own sons. I think he is seeing it more of a getting all ‘his’ boys together but I’m feeling like my ds is being left out. They are half brothers and obviously my partner doesn’t see them like this (nor do I) but my ds is I guess a step-brother, well if he was included he could help to cement a ‘brotherly’ bond with them. One of his son’s has a gf of 8 years and my partner is yet to decide if she is invited. I am invited but am a bit upset it’s not been mentioned by my partner about my ds being invited too. It’s a 21st so surely he should?

AIBU to expect him to ask my ds to join the celebrations as it’s a special birthday. Also my ds will be 21 soon and I would ask / invite his son’s - TIA

...nvm

Does your son even want to go?

They are not siblings, they are grown adults whose parents are seeing each other; they are not brothers. Unless you've been together since they were like 8... not been together 18 months.

Not even close! Op has only been with birthday boys dad for 18 months!

His sons are half brothers, your son is their dad's partner's son, not their step brother you've only been together 18 months and they're all adults already, it's not like they grew up together and you're not married.

It’s his sons birthday and I would guess he barely knows your son so don’t think it’s weird he’s not invited

do you live with your dp?

They are not half brothers. Do they know one another at all? Does your son want to go? He has 'met them'. I think you're trying to force a family dynamic that doesn't exist and presumably your partner is keeping numbers tight because he is footing the bill for this?

I realised she's talking about the other boys.

Her partner has two sets of kids from two previous marriages. And they're the ones that are half brothers.

Your DP is being weird. Not inviting the sons GF is weird, as is not inviting your son (18 months together is very much blended family) and it’s a meal! Just ask him why he’s chosen to exclude some very important members of the family?

Kind of odd that op is trying to form a brotherly bond and is equating half brothers with a step brother who entered their lives as adults

Really OP! It seems to be an intimate special dinner between brothers and a dad who appear to rarely see each other. Why would they want their dad's partner of only 18 months, son to attend? Come on, step brothers!

You've only been in this relationship for 18 months! Your son is NOT the half brother of any of your boyfriends children - nor is he a stepson because you're not married!

YABVU. Your son is not related in any way to the birthday lad and its very early days in this relationship. Let your BF spend quality time with his actual children without trying to push yours in.

Your son isn’t a step brother or relating any way. Doesn’t sounds like he knows them. Why would you want someone you’re not related to and barely know at an important birthday? Why would your son want that either?

Can’t your boyfriend just go out with all his sons for one night to celebrate a big birthday? Are you even going? I don’t think I’d want my dad’s girlfriend I barely know at a birthday of mine. Have a catch up later, go over for dinner yes, but not to the actual birthday party.

I can understand why he would just want his boys for this celebration. Your son and these boys are not step brothers. I’m think you are overplaying their relationship to each other. Do you even live with your partner?

If a gf of 8 years might not be invited then dad obviously just wants “his boys”.
TBH you are a bit out of place there too. I’d suggest that you don’t go either so they have a boys bonding session.

If he does decide to invite the gf (and he probably should, more so than your ds, then that is the time to casually suggest ds going too, but make it clear it’s ok if he doesn’t want to invite him.

Sorry but your partner sounds a bit of a knob, OP. One of his sons has been in a relationship for over eight years and he hasn't yet decided whether to invite the girlfriend/partner to a big family celebration?
YANBU to ask him to invite your DS too -- but don't hold your breath.

It’s a dinner for his boys, why are you trying to enmesh your families so much when your ds is an adult? After 18 months? So so weird.

It's not a "blended family" fgs 😂
OP has been going out with a bloke for 18 months. The children are all adults and have never lived together. They've "met", probably a few times.
I probably know my postman better than the birthday boy knows OP's son!

By way of comparison my mum's husband has a daughter. Mum and step dad married when I was 20 and at uni. She's 5y older than me. She's, I suppose, my step-sister by law but I have met her about 3 times because we're adults and live far apart. She's about number 1000 on the list of people I would invite to my birthday meal, and I have nothing against the woman but she is essentially a stranger.

I don’t have any half siblings. I have some who are siblings cos they’re mums, some cos they’re dads and one who is both. But they aren’t “half” anything - we’re brothers and sisters. Your DP has done an excellent job is that’s how his children feel about each other.

Your DS isn’t any sort of brother to them. You’ve only been together 18 months and they’re all adults. Absolutely no reason he should be invited, even if the other men’s partners are. Tbh, I’m not sure it’s appropriate for you to go if it’s going to be your man and his three sons. I’d leave them to it.

18 months together when all the kids are adults is very much not a blended family.

I’ve been married to dh for 21 years and would have no issue if his dad wanted to take him and his brother for a meal. I don’t see the issue with gf not being invited. I’d leave op out of it too.

Ask him outright.

You’re not a blended family. He’s a bloke you’re seeing whose adult kids have their own lives.

The meal is for your partner’s son to catch up with his father and brothers, who he doesn’t get to see that often, and celebrate his birthday. If your son is there, the dynamic of the meal instead revolves around meeting him for the first time/getting to know each other. These are completely different propositions.

The other DSS’s girlfriend absolutely should be invited though.

DPs sons are half brothers.

I agree that OP is trying to force a family dynamic that doesn’t exist. It may one-day for DP but not for his sons. Presumably, the birthday boy only would want family at a family meal, not the son of his dad’s latest girlfriend.

If anyone should be invited it’s the gf of 8 years! I’m surprised the son would want to go without her.

@SoggyDunkedBiscuit OP, 18 months isn’t long for someone who’s been married twice. I’d be surprised if DP wants to introduce your son to his at this stage.