To expect my DS to be invited too

[SoggyDunkedBiscuit]

So my partner’s youngest son is turning 21. My partner is organising a meal to celebrate for him, his other 2 son’s at a pub near our home as the son whose birthday it is lives in North Yorkshire. He is coming to stay with my partner this weekend. He isn’t one for organising things and as this is a special birthday I have suggested he does as it is not often he and all his son’s get together. One has recently returned from living abroad with his gf for 2 years. My partner has been married twice and his youngest son is from his second marriage. This isn’t important, although my DS is 20, has met all his sons and I am invited but my ds isn’t up to now. We have been in a relationship about 18 months and my partner sees more of my ds than his own sons. I think he is seeing it more of a getting all ‘his’ boys together but I’m feeling like my ds is being left out. They are half brothers and obviously my partner doesn’t see them like this (nor do I) but my ds is I guess a step-brother, well if he was included he could help to cement a ‘brotherly’ bond with them. One of his son’s has a gf of 8 years and my partner is yet to decide if she is invited. I am invited but am a bit upset it’s not been mentioned by my partner about my ds being invited too. It’s a 21st so surely he should?

AIBU to expect him to ask my ds to join the celebrations as it’s a special birthday. Also my ds will be 21 soon and I would ask / invite his son’s - TIA

For goodness sake, just communicate with him! You can't be that close if you cannot ask him why your son isn't invited!

Is the long term GF invited?

“I do not mind not going, or my ds not being asked”

Your op would suggest otherwise:

“am a bit upset it’s not been mentioned by my partner about my ds being invited too”

“but I’m feeling like my ds is being left out”

That’s what people were responding to!

Also you don’t want to be “accused of forcing things” but again your op says you want to create a “brotherly bond” (a sentiment repeated in subsequent posts) when you’ve been together for a time period so short than it can be expressed in months. Again, people are just responding to the things you have put out there!

Maybe read the post I was replying to. It said the meal was for her partner and his sons, if that's true why is she invited because then it isn't just for him and his sons.

The sons haven't invited anyone.

My dad invited his girlfriend out to dinner for my 21st with my siblings and I. I didn't mind but I wasn't delighted. It was a nice evening but we couldn't totally relax together. I wouldn't have been upset if her son was there and honestly quite jealous of any sign of a bond between him and my dad as I resented missing so much.

Your son isn't related to these people. They're not his brothers or stepbrothers. They're literally just a bunch of random adults who happen to be related to a man his mum's been dating for a relatively short time. There's absolutely no reason why he would be invited, or would want to go.

Your son has different parents entirely, not simply ‘a different mother’. He isn’t their brother any more than he’s your partner’s son.

If you really consider your former stepson to be the same to you as your actual child, you are quite unusual. On that note, seeing as you think this is how it should go, do you consider yourself a mother to your partner’s sons? Are they now equal to your son in your eyes, by virtue of you being in a relationship with their father?

I suspect you grew up resenting the fact you had no siblings and feel guilt that your DS hasn’t any. You shouldn’t.

we form lots of different bonds in our lives - a sibling bond forms through a shared experience growing up/sharing parents etc. those bonds can be very strong but I also know people who have very limited contact with their sibling

your DS will have formed bonds throughout his life - through school, hobbies, uni and in the future travelling or work. Some of those bonds persist past the joint experience and some don’t.

he is an adult and he will never be able to form a sibling bond. But that doesn’t mean he won’t form strong bonds with people and it doesn’t mean he is lesser somehow

or maybe your DS doesn’t really care and is quite content how he is!!

Why don't you just ask your DP if an invitation is open to your DS if he is free? Suggest it might be nice for everyone to meet in a casual environment and perhaps go for a drink or something afterwards? See what he says...but don't overthink it if would like to just have his kids there

I hope nobody goes to this controlling mess.

Once it gets like this its no fun.
Unclench.
If you dont know someone its a good way of getting to know someone by inviting them.

Only horrible people exclude others. Perhaps they are scared, they might be more fun than them.

Don't be silly. This is a 21st birthday do, not a place to invite relative strangers. Are you not invited to some things in case are you might be more fun than the planned invitees? I suspect not.

I'd feel the same op.. your son should definitely be invited.
I think it's mean to not consider him x

Why?

I read your update op... I'm of the same feeling if it's a meal or bowling your son should be included.
I'd probably not go wether your partner is excited or not .
Maybe say I can't imagine spending time with all of your sons if my son is excluded he needs to understand he is your only son so I understand the pull this has on you x

I am thinking that I am not going to go. I’m going to let him go bowling with his sons. I don’t know if he’s booked this yet and I also don’t know if he has invited his DS’s gf.

Your sons won't ever have a bond though they may get along.
I doubt your son would want to go. Id suggest it just be a father a son meal.

You’re thinking far too much into this @SoggyDunkedBiscuit

You were being a bit OTT expecting your son to be invited but if you’re wondering if you should go or not just ask.

“I would love to join you all bowling but I also understand you may want some boy bonding time to catch up as father and sons. Just let me know either way.”

Good idea.

She actually has two sons who she loves equally. Even though one is a step son. Who she only remembered about on page 5.

To be honest, I wouldn't go, I'd arrange something with my son if he fancied a meal out with his mum. My son would definitely be invited to my parents kids things in fact, he and his wife were invited to the sons wedding. I know most won't agree and I don't care....I'd feel the same way you do.

How long have you been with your partner? When did your son meet your partner’s son and how well did they know each other by the time your son was invited to the wedding?

How many times has your son even met the birthday boy?

OP said her DS has met the younger two sons 3 times over the 18 months she's been dating her boyfriend. He hasn't met the oldest one at all yet.

How about you let DP and his sons do the bowling together, then you join them for a drink afterwards? Or the other way round - you all have a drink first then you leave them to do the bowling activity as some time together just for them.
This could be a good compromise, as it sounds like your partner is keen for you to see them but also it would be good to give them some space as a rare meet up for just the 4 of them.
(As to whether to also bring your son along, I don't know!)

So bowling is being organised and a KFC afterwards. I said that I wasn’t sure whether to go as I think he should just spend time with his sons as rarely sees them altogether. My partner is insistent that I go. He said it will be fun to see how they all are with each other and we can join in and they can laugh at us. I said I don’t mind being laughed at but although he thinks it will be funny, his ds whose birthday it is and other sons might think it’s cringy. I also asked if he had invited his DS’s gf and he said no. I asked why. He said he just wants it to be his boys. I said but I’m not a boy. He said no, but you’re my gf. I pointed out that it is obviously it’s up to him what he decides as he’s organising it but if I were the gf she could feel left out as been dating his ds 8 years. I have left it with him as he’s bookings it. Originally it was going to be a meal and cocktails but it’s his call