To expect my DS to be invited too

[SoggyDunkedBiscuit]

So my partner’s youngest son is turning 21. My partner is organising a meal to celebrate for him, his other 2 son’s at a pub near our home as the son whose birthday it is lives in North Yorkshire. He is coming to stay with my partner this weekend. He isn’t one for organising things and as this is a special birthday I have suggested he does as it is not often he and all his son’s get together. One has recently returned from living abroad with his gf for 2 years. My partner has been married twice and his youngest son is from his second marriage. This isn’t important, although my DS is 20, has met all his sons and I am invited but my ds isn’t up to now. We have been in a relationship about 18 months and my partner sees more of my ds than his own sons. I think he is seeing it more of a getting all ‘his’ boys together but I’m feeling like my ds is being left out. They are half brothers and obviously my partner doesn’t see them like this (nor do I) but my ds is I guess a step-brother, well if he was included he could help to cement a ‘brotherly’ bond with them. One of his son’s has a gf of 8 years and my partner is yet to decide if she is invited. I am invited but am a bit upset it’s not been mentioned by my partner about my ds being invited too. It’s a 21st so surely he should?

AIBU to expect him to ask my ds to join the celebrations as it’s a special birthday. Also my ds will be 21 soon and I would ask / invite his son’s - TIA

The GF of 8 years has far more right to be there than either you or your DS.

I think I'd be pretty upset if my partner of 8 years was snubbed but a gf and her son were invited.

Keep out of the planning of this event. See how important you really am to him.

I'm not sure what's there to "cement"... What brotherly bond? How many times have they actually met if one of them lives in Yorkshire (and, I assume your son doesn't)?
18 months and you don't even live together (again, assuming, because you said son is coming to stay with your partner). You are not a step parent and your son is not a step brother by any stretch of imagination. Personally, I'd find it weird to be invited myself.

It’s up to the birthday boy who is invited, surely. Not the 21yr old’s dad’s gf 🤦🏻‍♀️

You don’t really become step siblings when your adults it’s mums partners kid. Hell step siblings don’t really even concrete in teenage years. You need to grow up together and even then the children might not see it like that anyway.

You’ve been together just over a year and trying to create a family that isn’t ever going to happen. He has his children. You have your child. All adults.

At 23 I got landed with 3 step siblings, couldn’t tell you where they lived, what their DC names are, and actually couldn’t give a monkeys.

If I was you, I’d bow out gracefully and suggest he meet up with just his sons.

That would be weird. You will effectively be a guest at your DP’s son’s 21st birthday meal. Are the birthday boy’s friends invited? I can’t imagine he knows your son well so unless they’re also good friends and see each other independent of your relationship I don’t see why your DS would expect, or even want, to go.

I think if the girlfriend of 8 years isn’t invited, but you turn up, there will be very bad feeling. Your partner needs to decide whether this is a special night just for him and his sons or not.

Honestly, instead of trying to get your son invited I would double check with your partner and birthday boy if they really even want you there or would prefer just direct family. And then not be upset if they prefer it just the boys. It’s a fairly new relationship and they probably don’t know you very well yet.

It's just a bloke taking his adult sons for a meal. Becoming 21 is immaterial,You technically become an adult at 18, surely this is what most people consider a milestone Birthday. No reason for you, your adult ds or girlfriend to be invited.

Sorry OP, your son is not a step brother. He’s the son of dad’s new girlfriend.18 months is not very long for someone who’s been married twice and has adult kids (some of whom have lived abroad for the entire time of your relationship). I think your partner is very smart to just stick to his boys. It’s about the birthday boy. It might be different if it was your partner’s birthday, but one’s 21st birthday is NOT a moment to have your dad’s girlfriend and her kids forced upon you. It’s about having the family of the birthday boy together to celebrate his birthday. TBH you are very out of place there too, as it’s dad and his sons.

whether you invite his boys to your son’s 21st is up to you and (especially) your son. I’d say, if you’re going to give a bigger party it would be normal, but if you’re going to have a meal in a pub with you, son, your partner and grandma, I would say it’s weird inviting his sons. (But honestly, I would ask your son IF he wants your partner to be there).

You’re trying to force a family dynamic here that doesn’t exist. The boys have never lived together. You havn’t been a stepmum to his sons (as you didn’t exist yet during their childhood and teens). They’ve already had a stepmum as your partner married twice. You were not that person. You are both not in family circumstances where you have to think about how to blend families. You are 2 people in a relationship, who happen to have their own adult children.

If your son barely knows his sons then why would he invite them? It’s his sons birthday not your partners birthday. He’s also not their step brother… you’re a new girlfriend and you are not married. And they’re all adults! You don’t get new step siblings in adulthood. Stop making it about you.

I think it’s a stretch inviting you let alone inviting your ds! If anyone should feel a bit left out it’s the girlfriends. Either all the partners or none.

I dont see how using the word 'blended family' helps anyone other that the parent trying to convince themselves it benefits children at all

And adults have a choice who they spend time just because 2 adults want to shack up with each other doesn't mean they can tick a box and the adult children will get along

Exactly the same for me, I have met my mums husbands kids at their wedding and that’s about it, we don’t do blended family stuff because I was 30 when they got married and we deffo do not need to enmesh. I have a good relationship with my mums DH, but I don’t see him as a step dad and have no interest in his side of the family

18m =5minutes.

this is a family occasion. I completely get why he wants it that way. Maybe he wants his sons to just be together and celebrate rather than your son being there and it’s awkward. He isn’t their brother in any means, but he is your son who is his partner so it changes him from a guest to something more complicated.

YAB completely U.

If it was a big party I would agree with you, but it isn’t. It's a very small do, for close relations (and possibly their partners) only. Your DS is not a relation, let alone a close one, of the birthday boy.

If you make a big deal of this you will damage your relationship with your partner and his sons.

It’s a bit odd not to include the brothers GF of 8yrs.
But equally odd to think an adult son of a fairly recent girlfriend would even want to come. You’re not building a blended family of tweens, too late for that when they’re 20 -30yrs old!

My dad married his wife when I was in my 30s and her kids were in their 20s.

Nearly 30 years later, we are in no way a blended family. Relationships are cordial but not close. We live in different cities and maybe see one another once a year. We are adults whose parents happen to be married.

I’m wondering if OP feels that her DS, as an only child(?), has missed out on sibling bonds and wants to create that for him. I also have half siblings and step siblings. I’m close to my half siblings and don’t differentiate between them and my full siblings but my step siblings are nothing to do with any of us really - no issues just no connections as we all came into each other’s lives as adults.

Yeah, I don’t think he needs to be there. I’ve been with my dp for 7 years, we both have teen/ young adult kids, we might invite them all to go out for a meal for one of our birthdays but definitely not one of theirs.
Fwiw, my dad remarried when I was in my 20s, I do consider his wife to be my stepmum and her children to be my step siblings. They are grandparents to all of our children and the children are cousins, I suppose that strengthens our relationship.

Sounds like fomo on the part of OP to me, you've only been together 18 months, even if you were married let them keep it to a boys only dinner, male bonding with his lads. You son is NOT his child and in this instance does not need to be included.
A woman in the mix changes the dynamic just as a man would among a group of women, your son would change the dynamic with the group and that's not fair either. I would be really irritated if my partner was pushing your 'family' ideas on to me especially if we weren't married but only in a shortish relationship and I would think he was losing the plot

YABU.
You've only been with him for 18 months. They haven't grown up together.
It will totally change the dynamic having an extra young man there who doesn't have any kind of shared history with them and who is the son of the woman the Dad has been seeing for 18 months.
He obviously wants to spend the day with his own sons.

I'm an only child and have had 3 sets of step siblings over the years. Absolutely no sibling feelings towards any of them. You can't replicate the relationship that comes from growing up together.

I have 3 kids and my husband has 3 from his first marriage. They were teens when mine were born and very separate families. Pleasant to one another but not close.

My own three are very different from one another and dont really get on or hang out together, but they are very definitely siblings

I can understand why the OP might want to create some kind of sibling relationship but when the partner’s children already have siblings they may not feel any need to have more so there’s maybe going to be an imbalance as well. I’d be interested to know if this just comes from OP or her son.