To expect my DS to be invited too

[SoggyDunkedBiscuit]

So my partner’s youngest son is turning 21. My partner is organising a meal to celebrate for him, his other 2 son’s at a pub near our home as the son whose birthday it is lives in North Yorkshire. He is coming to stay with my partner this weekend. He isn’t one for organising things and as this is a special birthday I have suggested he does as it is not often he and all his son’s get together. One has recently returned from living abroad with his gf for 2 years. My partner has been married twice and his youngest son is from his second marriage. This isn’t important, although my DS is 20, has met all his sons and I am invited but my ds isn’t up to now. We have been in a relationship about 18 months and my partner sees more of my ds than his own sons. I think he is seeing it more of a getting all ‘his’ boys together but I’m feeling like my ds is being left out. They are half brothers and obviously my partner doesn’t see them like this (nor do I) but my ds is I guess a step-brother, well if he was included he could help to cement a ‘brotherly’ bond with them. One of his son’s has a gf of 8 years and my partner is yet to decide if she is invited. I am invited but am a bit upset it’s not been mentioned by my partner about my ds being invited too. It’s a 21st so surely he should?

AIBU to expect him to ask my ds to join the celebrations as it’s a special birthday. Also my ds will be 21 soon and I would ask / invite his son’s - TIA

No worries - I wasn't having a go, I promise. I just find all of this so odd!

I too don’t think your son should be invited, nor am I sure you should invite your partners boys to his 21st. But I would say to my partner if I were the gf of 8 years and not invited to family dinner I’d make your son single very quickly, as I think that’s shit. Especially as you’re invited. That poor girlfriend.

This isn’t a blended family - the kids were basically adults when you met! Why would his son want his dad’s girlfriend’s son at his birthday meal when he barely knows him? I think they are good to invite you tbh!

I think that, with the attitude to the girlfriend of eight years it's very clear that he's seeing this as him and his boys and while I think it's good I'm actually quite surprised even you are invited given the level of gatekeeping.

Seems like the meal was OP's (very nice!) idea so she has probably been involved in the planning of it such that her boyfriend would feel odd not inviting her. Although I think ideally she doesn't go (at least one of the sons is essentially a stranger to her as he's lived abroad all of their relationship) but even if she does, absolutely mad to bring her kid along! Would he even want to go? I would be so embarrassed aged 20 to be invited to that

Weird.
Invite the sons, but not their respective partners.? 🤔
Invite your own partner, but not your partner's child whom you know very well, knows your sons and is their age group? 🤔

The dad should have a pub meal with just his sons.
Is it about money, perhaps?

Why not just leave your do and his sons to their dinner together. He hardly ever gets a chance to have all his kids together with him. I'd suggest he goes alone with his DS's tbh. I'd just buy a nice card for birthday boy and his Dad can deliver it for you. In your shoes I'd focus on my own DC and leave partner of 18 months to focus upon his.

You're in a relationship of only a year and a half. Your partner wants to have a special dinner with his sons for the one's 21st together.

You say his sons have met yours. That means they barely know each other and are nearly strangers. Including your son would change the whole focus from brothers celebrating to being more about you and your son and you're coming off pushy here.

You're trying to force happy families between people who aren't related and whose only connection is your relationship to your BF.

Kind of odd that op is trying to form a brotherly bond and is equating half brothers with a step brother who entered their lives as adults

This sums it up perfectly. This scenario is in no way a blended family, that’s when there are young children involved, not when kids are adults when their parents get together. Also the OP’s reference to them being half-brothers is weird and far fetched, they are no such thing. His sons are half brothers as they were born to different mothers. Given OP and partner got together when kids are adults (and have only been together 18 months at that, I literally have salad dressing in my fridge that has had a longer life), even if they did end up long-term partnered or married, realistically the kids would still not even be step-brothers given they were already adults when this partnering occurred.

YAB VERY U for all the reasons stated. You also sound desperate to force a family dynamic, why? The chances are the boys are never going to see each other as family.

I'd let your DP have a nice evening out with his sons. Not sure why either you or your son need to be included.

Kindly OP, you need to take a step back and leave them to it. It’s not about you or your son. It’s about your partner trying to create a comfortable and intimate setting for his own son’s special birthday.

That your partner sees your DS more than his own sons does not make your DS his son. It would surprise me if it would have even occurred to your partner to think of him as a son tbh.

You’re talking about adult men. Your son isn’t their brother, or even family at all to them. They don’t know him, so he’s not a friend either. Why would be invited to their father-and-sons dinner?

If its a problem then he should not invite you so he can spend quality time with his kids. I wouldn't want my Dad girlfriend of 18m at my birthday.

Surely the solution is for you not to go? It might be nice for DP and his sons to have the evening together.

Agree with this. I’m sure the son would rather you weren’t there for such an intimate meal (different if it was 10+ people attending).

Your presence would change the dynamics, as would your son’s. It would be nice to let them have a rare occasion to be all together to catch up without new people in the mix.

They're not half-brothers. They're not even stepbrothers - you're not married.

Ooh OP you’re getting some rotten responses here. It’s odd your DP hasn’t asked your son. I don’t think you are pushing a ‘brotherly’ relationship either. There’s nothing worse than the feeling of exclusion than your ‘child’ being excluded. A conversation with your DP might be a good idea.

I think you’re feeling a normal reaction to this situation OP. Hope it all works out for the best!

I wouldnt go myself to this meal. Youve been together only 18 months and it sounds like your partner and his sons are going to be reconnecting aswell as celebrating a birthday. Leave them all to it and then you wont feel bad about your son not being invited if you dont go either.

I find it more odd he is inviting his partner of 18 months but not his son’s partner of 8 years!

I think it’s either dad and sons exclusive or everyone - he seems to be muddying the waters.

No, she’s getting normal responses. Two brothers are having dinner with their father to celebrate the birthday of the youngest. Why would OP’s son be included?

So the op's son is desperate to go or the op is the only one who cares?

I’d say to him that it sounds like it’s a good chance for him to catch up with his boys and is he sure he wants you to go? If he says he is, then you could ask about your son. I do think though your bf wants it to be more of an intimate family occasion if he isn’t even sure if to invite his son’s gf. I don’t think he is being rude not inviting your son though.

No, YANBU, and I would mention to your partner that you would have thought your son would have been invited. I would admit to him you feel a bit hurt.

I don’t think your son should be invited but the sons partners should.