To expect my DS to be invited too

[SoggyDunkedBiscuit]

So my partner’s youngest son is turning 21. My partner is organising a meal to celebrate for him, his other 2 son’s at a pub near our home as the son whose birthday it is lives in North Yorkshire. He is coming to stay with my partner this weekend. He isn’t one for organising things and as this is a special birthday I have suggested he does as it is not often he and all his son’s get together. One has recently returned from living abroad with his gf for 2 years. My partner has been married twice and his youngest son is from his second marriage. This isn’t important, although my DS is 20, has met all his sons and I am invited but my ds isn’t up to now. We have been in a relationship about 18 months and my partner sees more of my ds than his own sons. I think he is seeing it more of a getting all ‘his’ boys together but I’m feeling like my ds is being left out. They are half brothers and obviously my partner doesn’t see them like this (nor do I) but my ds is I guess a step-brother, well if he was included he could help to cement a ‘brotherly’ bond with them. One of his son’s has a gf of 8 years and my partner is yet to decide if she is invited. I am invited but am a bit upset it’s not been mentioned by my partner about my ds being invited too. It’s a 21st so surely he should?

AIBU to expect him to ask my ds to join the celebrations as it’s a special birthday. Also my ds will be 21 soon and I would ask / invite his son’s - TIA

This isn't your DHs event, it's his son's and it doesn't sound like his son knows your son.

Totally normal to not be invited, it would be a bit odd if he was, tbh.

if he was included he could help to cement a ‘brotherly’ bond with them

If this is so important to you, then speak to your partner about arranging a blended family get-together for everyone to meet. Don’t try to commandeer his son’s 21st birthday celebration by forcing him to invite a total stranger.

"I think he is seeing it more of a getting all ‘his’ boys together but I’m feeling like my ds is being left out"

Correct.
And completely normal.
The milkman is also being "left out" because, like your son, he has no place at a small family gathering for the birthday boy.

Do you live with your partner? It doesn’t sound like you do from your post. What about your son, where does he live?

If your boyfriend doesn’t see his sons very often, then how many times have you met them over the 18 months? If it was a big party then inviting you and your son might be nice but this is a small dinner and you should probably leave them to it.

If he very rarely sees his sons together then (gently, because we all feel strongly abouy our own children) yabu

Ah…. Even more bonkers!

The idea your son is in any way family to your partner’s kids at this point is ridiculous, and insisting he be invited to an intimate birthday meal that is clearly meant to be a “parent and children bonding celebration” is bizarre.

Frankly, I’m surprised you’ve been invited, nevermind him. Few people would consider “Dad’s girlfriend of 18 months” as family to them, and plenty wouldn’t necessarily think she should automatically be included in a “close family only” event. Especially when the partner of 8 years has much more claim to be part of the family than you and isn’t a sure bet to be invited!

"...my ds will be 21 soon and I would ask / invite his son’s"

If you're planning similar (eg a small dinner, rather than e.g. a big party) are you sure your son would want that? Would he not prefer people he knows (you, your DP, his dad if you get on, your family, etc) rather than some blokes he's met a couple of times? If its a small meal for say 8 people wouldn't he rather have friends there, as opposed to some blokes he has only met because their dad is dating his mum??

Have your son and his sons even met each other before?

If your partner already sees your son more than his own that’s even more reason for him to not want invite him along imo

It’s just a small family thing, why would your son be invited as one of the brothers. You haven’t been together that long tbh. Are you invited? Maybe he’d prefer just him and the boys.

Tbh I don't think you should be going to the dinner never mind your son. You're not a blended family, you're not a step mother and your son is not a step brother. You are a woman dating a man who has three adult sons and he wants to have dinner with them to celebrate a 21st. A father and his sons getting together for dinner sounds lovely particularly when they don't get a lot of time together and having you, your son and a girlfriend there would change the night entirely. Also, why are you trying to force adults into a 'family' relationship? If it happens its best to happen naturally but I wouldn't expect it to considering your boyfriend doesn't see much of his sons as it is.

It would be nice to try and build a relationship between the boys but this occasion is not the time to do it.

Arrange some more relaxed family get togethers. They are old enough to work out if they click or not

It’s a big occasion and they can barely know each other, don’t try and force it into something it’s not. You don’t live together, it’s only been 18 months and your son presumably didn’t meet DP straight away. Just chill a bit.

Agree with most posters here. I personally would not go to this (but not in a bad "flouncy" way) I would let them have a wonderful time without any weirdness of newish partners, new sons of of partners, steps, halves or otherwise, up to them - I am sure they are all lovely people but it does alter the dynamic. The time may come where you have a bit more of a family bash with all comers and people can meet properly without it being a big event. Them wanting to be together and have a fine old time is no slur on you or your son. Let them enjoy it and maybe be on the next one....xx

YABU I'm afraid.

If it was a family party, then yes it would be odd not to invite him, but it's a MEAL for your partner and his sons to all get together (which is quite rare), a partner that you've only been with for 18 months. It is highly unlikely there will ever be a brotherly bond.. and there certainly won't be if you are there forcing everyone together, it would be embarrassing to make an issue out of this tbh, it's not personal.

If you really feel strongly about it though, just decline the invitation yourself and you and your son go and do something nice together.

Yes understood that on the second reading, but this is nuts: but my ds is I guess a step-brother.

No, he's not!

I didn't comment on the 8 years girlfriend thing because there was no other context and it felt thrown in to make the OP's point that her partner was being unfair. For all we know the girlfriend is a nightmare and a liability.

The idea your son is in any way family to your partner’s kids at this point is ridiculous, and insisting he be invited to an intimate birthday meal that is clearly meant to be a “parent and children bonding celebration” is bizarre.

100% that. And in your position, @SoggyDunkedBiscuit , I'd be offering to stay home so that the father and sons could have some quality time together. I wonder how the birthday boy feels about you being there?

Your DS has nothing to do with the boys. Why would he be asked?

Why would a 21 year old want to celebrate his special birthday with people he barely knows? It should be the soon to be 21 year old's choice entirely who is invited.

Not sure why you want to go tbh.

True! But assuming she’s not, you’d expect Dad to see the son and gf as a package after 8 years.

OP shouldn’t be coming as a package with her 20 yo son into a new relationship. He’s a grown man not a child that has to go everywhere with mummy!

All of these children were adults when you met your partner - I very much doubt they see each other as brothers

I am not disagreeing with you!

No - if you had 3 daughters by 2 men, would you expect have to invite the adult daughter of your quite new boyfriend to a get together for your 3 girls?
No

Apologies. Written badly. I knew you weren’t.

YABU.

Frankly, I'm surprised you are going.
This is his son's 21st, and a rare chance for the brothers and Dad to get together.

Dad bringing along his relatively new girlfriend seems to change the dynamic already.
To then hear that she is trying to also bring along her adult son as well is just weird. He is not, in any way related to the lad whose birthday it is and it would be odd to have him at such a small gathering, when the birthday boy will be catching up with his actual family who aren't able to get together very often.