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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my DS to be invited too

228 replies

SoggyDunkedBiscuit · 12/01/2026 23:04

So my partner’s youngest son is turning 21. My partner is organising a meal to celebrate for him, his other 2 son’s at a pub near our home as the son whose birthday it is lives in North Yorkshire. He is coming to stay with my partner this weekend. He isn’t one for organising things and as this is a special birthday I have suggested he does as it is not often he and all his son’s get together. One has recently returned from living abroad with his gf for 2 years. My partner has been married twice and his youngest son is from his second marriage. This isn’t important, although my DS is 20, has met all his sons and I am invited but my ds isn’t up to now. We have been in a relationship about 18 months and my partner sees more of my ds than his own sons. I think he is seeing it more of a getting all ‘his’ boys together but I’m feeling like my ds is being left out. They are half brothers and obviously my partner doesn’t see them like this (nor do I) but my ds is I guess a step-brother, well if he was included he could help to cement a ‘brotherly’ bond with them. One of his son’s has a gf of 8 years and my partner is yet to decide if she is invited. I am invited but am a bit upset it’s not been mentioned by my partner about my ds being invited too. It’s a 21st so surely he should?

AIBU to expect him to ask my ds to join the celebrations as it’s a special birthday. Also my ds will be 21 soon and I would ask / invite his son’s - TIA

OP posts:
superchick · 13/01/2026 05:43

Ecrire · 12/01/2026 23:21

You’re not a blended family. He’s a bloke you’re seeing whose adult kids have their own lives.

This 100%

I'm cringing at you trying to impose your son on these 3 bothers having a get together / catch up with their dad.

Isthisit2025 · 13/01/2026 05:45

@InterIgnis your normal is not my normal clearly. He’s invited his partner but not her ‘child’. Not the way to start a blended relationship IMHO.

CypressGrove · 13/01/2026 06:10

Isthisit2025 · 13/01/2026 05:45

@InterIgnis your normal is not my normal clearly. He’s invited his partner but not her ‘child’. Not the way to start a blended relationship IMHO.

All the 'children' here are adults - this isn't going to be a blended family situation. Even as a teenager I had no interest in going out for dinner or spending time with my mum's partner, let alone the offspring of my mum's partners - even if the relationship lasted a couple of years.

SailingIntoSunset · 13/01/2026 06:12

rosiebl · 12/01/2026 23:10

Your DP is being weird. Not inviting the sons GF is weird, as is not inviting your son (18 months together is very much blended family) and it’s a meal! Just ask him why he’s chosen to exclude some very important members of the family?

Calling them a “blended family” is really a stretch 🤣😆.

moose62 · 13/01/2026 06:25

Frankly, I would let him go out to dinner and celebrate with his sons on their own.
He might have only invited you out of politeness. They probably have loads to talk about if they haven't been together for a couple of years. How well do the sons know you?
He doesn't need to invite your son. He has a relationship with him but his sons don't. They are all unrelated adults, not young children.

MadamCholetsbonnet · 13/01/2026 06:33

Very odd to think your DS should be invited.

pambeesleyhalpert · 13/01/2026 06:37

My guess is he doesn’t want to pay for extra people

PurpleThistle7 · 13/01/2026 06:53

My parents split up when I was a teenager and they both dated after. No matter how long they were with various partners I never considered myself related to any of their children. I never lived with them, they were just other people I was at the same place as sometimes. My parents’ partners were mostly all very nice to me, but they weren’t my parents because I was 18 or older for any of this.

I think you’re being very odd about this and I’m guessing your son doesn’t even particularly want to go.

nomas · 13/01/2026 06:58

I would be led by the birthday boy here. If he just wants his brothers then that should be respected.

Tresd · 13/01/2026 06:58

Assume he doesn’t want to pay for any more people to eat

Theroadt · 13/01/2026 07:03

rosiebl · 12/01/2026 23:10

Your DP is being weird. Not inviting the sons GF is weird, as is not inviting your son (18 months together is very much blended family) and it’s a meal! Just ask him why he’s chosen to exclude some very important members of the family?

But the DS is likely not important to the partner’s adult sons, esp after just 18 months. Time and again this issue crops up on mumsnet - people wanting to force a particular dynamic onto a blended family. It shows lack of insight and insensitivity.

HisNotHes · 13/01/2026 07:04

Yabu.
You’ve not been with him that long, you’re not married and so your son is not their “stepbrother” or even anything like a stepbrother as all the sons including yours are adults so it’s not like your son and them grew up with any connection.

mindutopia · 13/01/2026 07:05

How close is your son to the birthday boy? If they’re close, yes, makes sense your son would be invited. If they’ve only met a handful of times or not at all, it seems weird.

I wouldn’t have wanted the son of my mum’s relatively new boyfriend who I didn’t even know at my 21st birthday dinner. Honestly, this is a big birthday and he doesn’t sound like he sees his son’s much, I wouldn’t expect even you to be invited. It sounds like something they should just do together as a family.

Is he inviting you in hopes you’ll split the bill? But not your son or the gf because he doesn’t want to pay for them?

firstofallimadelight · 13/01/2026 07:07

I guess it depends on the seriousness of your relationship and how well your son knows the brothers. Has there been other family events or is this the first? I see no reason to exclude him unless it would change the dynamic and make things awkward

Onelifeonly · 13/01/2026 07:14

There's nothing wrong with keeping a celebration to close family members, especially as the brothers clearly don't see each other much. I don't particularly see a reason for OP to be there to be honest. Your partner will be with his own blood family, why should your son join in? He may mean nothing to them. Of course your partner has more contact with him - but only because he is in a relationship with you!

Bellyblueboy · 13/01/2026 07:21

it doesn’t sound like you live with your boyfriend and you haven’t been together that long. These young men don’t really know each other. I’m not sure why you think your son should be invited - and I don’t understand why your son would particularly like want to go?

there is no brotherly bond to cement. Their parents are dating - they aren’t brothers. even if you invite these men to your son’s 21 would they come? It doesn’t sound like they see much of their dad and live some distance away.

i think you are trying to force a family dynamic here that is far too soon and given these men were all adults when you got together it is very unlikely they will ever consider your son their brother, and I assume vice versa.

DaisyChain505 · 13/01/2026 07:24

You’re forgetting who the person is that’s being celebrated. It isn’t your boyfriend it’s his son and quite frankly why would his son want your son there? They don’t know each other.

His son will want to be with his brothers and Dad.

YABU for making this about you.

Advocodo · 13/01/2026 07:29

Don’t know why you are going too. I don’t think,your son should go.

mumuseli · 13/01/2026 07:47

OP, I do understand that you would like your son to be included and get to know your partner’s sons. However, I feel that it should be on a different occasion. This particular meal is about celebrating your partner‘s youngest 21st, and a rare get together for the three brothers.
I’m sure your son could meet your partner’s boys (perhaps not all together but gradually one by one) in a natural way over time. I feel it would be wrong to do it at this boy’s 21st when it should be all about him and his long-term family.

redskydelight · 13/01/2026 07:48

I'm another that thinks OP's partner just wants it to be himself and his sons. And not even OP.

In fact, I'm not convinced that he even wants that, it feels rather that OP railroaded him into organising something when he might not otherwise have been that bothered. I wonder what happened for the other sons' 21st birthdays?

fashionqueen0123 · 13/01/2026 07:50

tartyflette · 12/01/2026 23:13

Sorry but your partner sounds a bit of a knob, OP. One of his sons has been in a relationship for over eight years and he hasn't yet decided whether to invite the girlfriend/partner to a big family celebration?
YANBU to ask him to invite your DS too -- but don't hold your breath.

I agree. This is super weird. It also sounds strange like in our family you wouldn’t be inviting someone like that it would be assumed they’d be there! How many years do you need before being asked - is the OP invited? 🤣

Kitkatfiend31 · 13/01/2026 07:53

You could just ask him? Hey DP have you thought of asking DS? I don't think it's really about how much your dp sees your son but I do think you're over thinking this. He might have just not thought of it or he might have a good reason not to. Would you always invite the other 3 if it was ds birthday?

LondonLady1980 · 13/01/2026 07:58

tartyflette · 12/01/2026 23:13

Sorry but your partner sounds a bit of a knob, OP. One of his sons has been in a relationship for over eight years and he hasn't yet decided whether to invite the girlfriend/partner to a big family celebration?
YANBU to ask him to invite your DS too -- but don't hold your breath.

It’s hardly a “big family celebration” if it’s just a dad and his two sons.

YABU OP. It sounds like they don’t get to see each other very often and he just wants the three of them to have a catch up.

If I were you I’d stay at home too and just let the three of them have some quality time together.

Silverbirchleaf · 13/01/2026 08:01

It’s an immediate family meal, and your ds has no relationships with your partners sons, to date. It’s not a time to introduce your partners son into the mix.

x2boys · 13/01/2026 08:02

rosiebl · 12/01/2026 23:10

Your DP is being weird. Not inviting the sons GF is weird, as is not inviting your son (18 months together is very much blended family) and it’s a meal! Just ask him why he’s chosen to exclude some very important members of the family?

Its really not a blended family, my sister has been with her partner for six years ,he has two adult daughters, she has two adult sons ,I think they may have met a handful of times ,they certainly dont consider themselves family.