To expect my DS to be invited too

[SoggyDunkedBiscuit]

So my partner’s youngest son is turning 21. My partner is organising a meal to celebrate for him, his other 2 son’s at a pub near our home as the son whose birthday it is lives in North Yorkshire. He is coming to stay with my partner this weekend. He isn’t one for organising things and as this is a special birthday I have suggested he does as it is not often he and all his son’s get together. One has recently returned from living abroad with his gf for 2 years. My partner has been married twice and his youngest son is from his second marriage. This isn’t important, although my DS is 20, has met all his sons and I am invited but my ds isn’t up to now. We have been in a relationship about 18 months and my partner sees more of my ds than his own sons. I think he is seeing it more of a getting all ‘his’ boys together but I’m feeling like my ds is being left out. They are half brothers and obviously my partner doesn’t see them like this (nor do I) but my ds is I guess a step-brother, well if he was included he could help to cement a ‘brotherly’ bond with them. One of his son’s has a gf of 8 years and my partner is yet to decide if she is invited. I am invited but am a bit upset it’s not been mentioned by my partner about my ds being invited too. It’s a 21st so surely he should?

AIBU to expect him to ask my ds to join the celebrations as it’s a special birthday. Also my ds will be 21 soon and I would ask / invite his son’s - TIA

I haven’t told my ds in case he feels excluded

Exactly this. My ds isn’t an only child and I too. I would have loved an opportunity to have had any bonds. My parents remained married only had me and remained married until they passed away.

I would like to get ‘the family’ including his sons to spend more time at my house in the future.

I’m thinking if they remain distant they will always be distant and it feels negative not to promote any kind of relationship. His youngest is only 13 months older than my ds. We have socialised before when they initially met. We went playing darts and pool on one occasion and on another we went for a meal. Just seems odd now if he’s not invited.

Why would he feel excluded, he barely knows them.
How many times has he met your boyfriend's sons?

It’s coming from me (my fs is an only child) as am I. He doesn’t know plans are being made as I do t want him to feel excluded after attending other things.

Yes they probably always will be distant because they're not related, have no shared memories, and are adults with very little in common. You can't and shouldn't force it. Especially by making your boyfriend's son's 21st birthday awkward by trying to invite, essentially, a stranger. His birthday is about him, not about you wishing your son had more family/friends

So you invite them to your own house on another occasion. The boys only met twice! Don't use your desire for a sibling to justify crashing someone's birthday. It's hugely inappropriate. There are 364 other days in a year you can all get together.
I find it odd that the dad is issuing invites to someone else's birthday to begin with.

I feel people are being quite harsh on you, OP. It is clear you would like you and your son to become something like family with your partner's family... that's nice, and hopefully it will happen naturally over time. My advice is: be patient and try to go at their pace. If you force it, it could set things back. Remember that they won't necessarily see things in the same way as you.

Well he really shouldn’t be organising anything because he is shit at organising things. Why is he indecisive about DS, GF of 8 years? Not sure about your DS as they probably don’t see each other often and might want just family.

They are not half brothers. They do not share a parent.

Step-brothers is a stretch because they haven't lived together (even part time) as children in a family home.

You and your partner have been together for 18 months. And this is one of the few times that his children have been together. What is the dynamic between those children and their father as it sounds as though they are not full-siblings and at least one lives overseas.

I don't think it's wrong to exclude him or wrong to invite him. But it is wrong to expect these adults all to pretend they are one blended family.

my DS is 20, has met all his sons

Just met them? How many times? If it’s not many, does the birthday child want his dad’s partner’s son who he’s only met once or twice at a small family dinner?

Okay, it sounds like you might not have much experience with 'blended' families, or blended families when the kids are teenagers or older. But in my experience, it is (and should be) entirely individual to each setup, there is no right way or wrong way unless the kids are actually children, in which case there are a few more good practices.
My parent has been with their partner for 20 years, since I was a teen and their partners children were early twenties. I have met them twice. We are not step siblings, the partner is not my step parent.
My friend has a 'step' brother from when she was 10 and he was 18 - they have a cordial relationship but ultimately only see each other about once a year.
The likelihood of your parents getting together with someone whose kids you actually like enough to be friends with is SO low in my experience.

They will never be brothers though - the best you can hope for is that they become friends

sorry but you can’t force a relationship that isn’t there. If I were your dp I’d find it a bit bunny boiler tbh

eta - focus on building strong friendships if you want to give your ds more of a support network

These young men are far more likely to develop a friendly relationship with your son if you just let it happen organically, rather than trying to force it.

Or, of course, they may all (including your son), be happy to let their relationship remain a civil, but distant one. Do they all have much in common, other than being young men in their twenties?

This! It isn’t wrong to want to give them an opportunity to get to know each other better and maybe form a friendship, using the 21st birthday as a platform as the outsider is though.

It sounds like your partner already has a blended family with the boys on his side being half brothers. None of these adults see each other often and it’s a nice opportunity for the half brothers to spend time with their shared parent - something that doesn’t happen often. I really can’t work out why you’d be hurt that they don’t want to also include another random man in this very small dinner.

It doesn't. They barely know each other and don't have a familial relationship. By all means try and give them opportunities to meet, but don't try and impose desires that they might not even share onto a big event like a 21st. Keep it low key.

Do you live with DP?

3/4 times in 18 months. He’d met the middle and youngest ds. We went playing pool and darts, had a meal and went shopping. His eldest was living abroad and only came back in November. He hasn’t met him yet and I haven’t met his gf yet. I’m just trying to forge some kind of contact / relationship between everyone. Maybe it’s something to do at my house on a separate occasion

Honestly OP, I think you're projecting your own insecurities/issues here and trying to create something that is realistically not going to happen.

This isn't a case of a blended family where the kids are young and where they may form some sort of sibling bond from growing up together, it's a case of trying to force your adult son to have a sibling relationship with three complete strangers to him.

Your son and your partners 3 sons are all adults with their own lives. As a PP said, you can't recreate or replicate a sibling bond in this case as it is not the same as growing up together. Even normal siblings will have a change in their relationships as they get older and start to live seperate lives.

I think you need to back off a bit and stop trying to "cement" this "brotherly bond". Your DS hasn't grown up with your partners children and doesn't really seem to know them. I think you need to let go of this fantasy idea of this big, close family just because you both have children of similar ages and let your partner enjoy his time with his children.

I dunno, I don't even think I would go. Are the brothers invited to your son's birthday?

Ah dude just stop. You're trying to rush something that should come naturally. Take a breath, you don't all need to be one happy family 18 months in

“I’m just trying to forge some kind of contact / relationship between everyone”

this is where you’re going wrong. When the children are adults you can’t make a blended family! Sure you can invite them all round when it’s your birthday or your partners, or for lunch one Sunday etc. but you can’t expect them to view each other as step-siblings and invite them to their own occasions such as their birthdays. Even more so in your case when you’re not even in a long term relationship.

I know this from experience - my dad is remarried but all children were adults when they met. I don’t even view dad’s wife as my stepmum (I like her and have no issue with her) and I definitely don’t view her kids as family - we’ve met on a few occasions and they’re nice people but we’re not family even though technically we’re related by marriage.

Sorry, but your expectations here are way overboard. You're not family. To his adult sons, you're their dad's girlfriend of a bit over a year and your son is dad's gf's son, not some step sibling. You've had nothing to do with raising them. That's done. His sons and yours don't have those years and years of shared memories that siblings do, they are strangers. His sons aren't likely going to want to hang out at your home. They're going to be off living their lives as young adults. Doesn't one live in Yorkshire?

There's little that's more awkward than a parent's bf or gf trying to push family bonds that aren't there. You're intrusive in wanting your son to be at a very small family dinner. I think you should stay home and let them have time together as a family. I think it would be odd to invite someone they've only met twice, you're trying to change the focus of this from a small family birthday dinner to hey kids, meet your new bro.

I never saw my parents new spouses or bfs or gfs as my family. They were dad's wife or mom's fiance. And dad's wife's kids were not my friends, much less family. Same with mom's BF's kids. And that was as a young teen. I had a bro and he was irreplaceable, thanks but no thanks.

I just want to add, the sons need to see their dad without you being around sometimes.

So the 3 brothers (your DP's sons) rarely get together and now you want to insert a relative random person?

Who is actually invited? All partners? Just you and DP and his sons?

Yes, that would be better. Perhaps a meal for DPs birthday, or he could host say a summer barbecue?

But you do need to accept the possibility that the two eldest in particular are evidently independent, have their own lives and may not care much about getting to know their dads girlfriend's child.

It sounds as though they will all have some family catching up to do if one is returning from abroad. Being already from 2 families and probably not seeing each other a lot as brothers I don’t think you can expect them to want a relative stranger there who they will need to include in conversation. They will want the time with their father for them to bond as brothers and celebrate together. I’m surprised really that you are invited and I suspect they would rather just have the time as father and sons together.
I sympathise with your desire to artificially create a family for your son but this isn’t the occasion to do it. Maybe as you said invite them all to your home another time. Maybe try to have some family lunches. But they are all adults now, it’s going to be difficult to create that sort of connection