To be shocked at DS's reaction to my suggestion he brings new GF to family party

[HellyTheEllyphant]

My DS is 28, he is a lovely man, very proud of him. He told us over the weekend that he has a new girlfriend, their first date was the start of October but they have only just labelled it. At the start of February we are hosting a party for DHs 60th, it will be a rare event where most of the family and extended family will be around. I suggested to DS he brings his new GF, she could meet his brother and all the wider family in a very casual environment where there would be very little attention on her, I thought this would be ideal, it is also close enough to home for DS and her that if they felt uncomfortable or overwhelmed it would be easy to leave early with no fuss. DS has had 2 long term relationships before this one and in both cases we met the girl within about 2-3 months of their first date, so I didn't anticipate him viewing it as too soon.
However DS got quite short with me saying no its far too soon and a weird environment to introduce her to, I apologised but he kept going saying its not up to me when we meet her, but I don't feel I suggested it was. He then said we can all go out for dinner and we can meet her then, maybe the next time his brother is down (so likely March/April). I said that would be lovely and I look forward to meeting her whenever he is ready.
Figured that would be the end of the conversation, but no he has messaged again saying he is annoyed I even suggested the family party. I can't help but feel he is over reacting, I know I wasn't pushy, all I said was "your dads party is on x date, the whole family is coming, feel free to bring your girlfriend if you like, just let me know for numbers".
He was also annoyed that his dad asked to see a picture of her before asking what she does etc. which while I appreciate was a shallow response from DH, I don't think it is that bad! And she is absolutely stunning so no reason DS wouldn't want to share (not that it would matter if she wasn't as long as he is happy).

AIBU to be shocked by the reaction and to wonder if there is something else going on?

Did you invite just the once in a short sentence or did you go on about her coming to the party, it will be great, there will be this person that person, you'll do this, it'll be that
..etc etc acting like it was a done deal?

And, do you have a history of this?

I ask because on the face of it he's had a batcrap crazy reaction to the question "would you like to bring X to the party"

And yes, your husband's instant show me the picture reaction is a bit grim.

Another thread where I feel like I live in a parallel universe to most of mumsnet.
Inviting the person your child is in a relationship with to a family party is totally normal as long as it’s fine if they chose to decline. Asking questions about that person and asking to see a photo is also a totally normal interest to show in your child and their life. If they ignored her existence, would that be better?

Your DS is being very touchy over this - I think he either he really really likes her and is worried it’s going to go wrong or he isn’t that keen. My DD (similar age) has recently started seeing someone new and I immediately said show us a picture then …..(and questions like what is he like, what does he do etc) 😂

If you just sent the text and he said no without any other follow up from you his reaction seems quite over the top and controlling. You are allowed to ask, he is allowed to say no. If you followed up and tried to persuade him then YWBU.

I also respectfully disagree about the picture request unless dad is usually a dirty old pervert.

In my circles if someone brings up a significant new addition (girlfriend/ boyfriend, pet, etc) then it's normal for them to show a picture as part of the conversation or to be asked if they have one. It feels more personal seeing them than just hearing words.

I can't believe the responses on here @HellyTheEllyphant .
What on earth is wrong with you people. FFS grow up. It's no wonder the world is in the state it's in with this sort of mortally offended behaviour about a straightforward normal human interaction.
He's 28 for goodness sake not a shy and easily embarrassed 15 year old with his first girlfriend.

I think it might be a case of he really likes her and is a bit worried about messing it up, once we started talking about her he did seem quite smitten!

I don't think DH meant anything bad asking for a picture, and afterwards we did learn about her work/hobbies/how they met.

I don't see anything wrong in what you said or what your husband did. It was an 'if you like' invitation rather than a demand and I ask to see my nieces and nephews girlfriend pics. He overreacted.

Yeah I've got to be honest. I met all of DH family at his sister's birthday meal. Not just his parents but grandparents, uncles,aunts and cousins and I hated it. I'm quite shy but felt pressured to go
At least I got it over and done with all at once but it wasn't enjoyable at all.
It does seem a bit odd he's going on and on about it though. I wouldn't respond to any messages and if he says anything just say yes I know you don't want to bring her.

Would I correct in thinking you’re closer to 70 than 50?

and I reckon I could guess the party you vote for!

From what you've actually said, yeah, massive overreaction from him. If he had turned up and everyone else brought partners he might have been equally annoyed he wasn't given the option!

However as pps have pointed out, there are some hints that suggest perhaps he (fairly or not) has some concerns about ways his family have interacted with girlfriends in the past.

Either way I can't see any benefit in discussing it with him further. I'd probably go back with something like "I'm not sure why you're annoyed, it was just a suggestion. It's fine if you think it's not suitable, I look forward to seeing you anyway and then meeting her whenever you both feel comfortable."

All of this. The dad is so out of order.

Perfectly reasonable to ask to see a picture of someone 🙄
Maybe he really is quite keen on this lady and hence gets a bit worked up about any pressures? Who knows

My first thoughts were there is a possibility she is not as serious about the relationship as he appears. If this is the case he would know not to ask her as it would likely get a refusal. This sounds like transferred anger.

I find it odd that so many people are horrified by the photo request?

My friend was telling me about her DD's boyfriend. I asked if she had a pic. I thought I was just showing interest 🤣 I wasn't trying to judge if the boy was 'fit enough' or wanting to perv on him. I said something like 'ahh they look very happy together' and that was it!

Now imagine @SoManyDandelions

Friend: my DD has a boyfriend
First question you ask: show me a photo of him!

Oh my, I´m 51 and agree with her, and as I don´t vote in the UK you wouldn´t guess who I vote for.

So you also are prone to bemoaning “what the world is coming to”? And harping on about the “good ‘ol days”

I can understand a bit family gathering might not be the place to introduce a fairy new partner to be honest.

Did seem a bit of an overreaction from your son though, he will calm down soon enough. It's a big deal meeting the family, for him and her.

And for the replies singling out the dad asking to see pictures? What's wrong with you??!!

Would you all jump on the mum if she wanted to see pics of daughters boyfriend?

I must admit I’m surprised that asking to see a picture is getting this reaction. If someone is talking about a new relationship I always ask to see a pic. I prob am being nosy but I like to put a face to a name. I wouldn’t have thought it was inappropriate. I’ve never meant it in a bad way.

I think its perfectly normal to invite her to a family birthday party like that, and also to ask to see a photo! doesn't mean he's being letchy or weird!

I personally think a meal with a small group for a first meeting is far more pressure than a big party where you can mill about.

I might sound like a crusty old codger but I think young people do things a lot differently now. I’m in my fifties, and back when I was dating people would become “boyfriend and girlfriend” a lot more quickly than today. Maybe three or four dates in.

These days they’ll be “talking to someone” (what the hell does that even mean?) for months before they move onto ‘dating’ them, and by the time they’re ’official’ they’re probably at the same stage we’d be thinking about a potential engagement!

Don’t take it to heart, OP. My DS was seeing his last girlfriend for 9 months before he’d even tell us her name! He’ll introduce her when he’s ready.

Oh and I’m another one who doesn’t see an issue with someone asking to see a picture.

100% agree!

I think given the fact they’ve only just made it ‘official’, inviting her to a big family get together in 3 weeks would be weird, yes. Can totally see why your DS thought this although he is overreacting somewhat with the follow up message.

There’s no way it would be a very casual environment with little attention on her. She’d be meeting the whole family all at once. Very daunting.

Is it the first thing you ask about your adult children's new partners, though? It's weird. Both parents seem keen to assess her. He's allowed to be uncomfortable with that.