To be shocked at DS's reaction to my suggestion he brings new GF to family party

[HellyTheEllyphant]

My DS is 28, he is a lovely man, very proud of him. He told us over the weekend that he has a new girlfriend, their first date was the start of October but they have only just labelled it. At the start of February we are hosting a party for DHs 60th, it will be a rare event where most of the family and extended family will be around. I suggested to DS he brings his new GF, she could meet his brother and all the wider family in a very casual environment where there would be very little attention on her, I thought this would be ideal, it is also close enough to home for DS and her that if they felt uncomfortable or overwhelmed it would be easy to leave early with no fuss. DS has had 2 long term relationships before this one and in both cases we met the girl within about 2-3 months of their first date, so I didn't anticipate him viewing it as too soon.
However DS got quite short with me saying no its far too soon and a weird environment to introduce her to, I apologised but he kept going saying its not up to me when we meet her, but I don't feel I suggested it was. He then said we can all go out for dinner and we can meet her then, maybe the next time his brother is down (so likely March/April). I said that would be lovely and I look forward to meeting her whenever he is ready.
Figured that would be the end of the conversation, but no he has messaged again saying he is annoyed I even suggested the family party. I can't help but feel he is over reacting, I know I wasn't pushy, all I said was "your dads party is on x date, the whole family is coming, feel free to bring your girlfriend if you like, just let me know for numbers".
He was also annoyed that his dad asked to see a picture of her before asking what she does etc. which while I appreciate was a shallow response from DH, I don't think it is that bad! And she is absolutely stunning so no reason DS wouldn't want to share (not that it would matter if she wasn't as long as he is happy).

AIBU to be shocked by the reaction and to wonder if there is something else going on?

I would just let it drop - sounds like he is a little insecure in the whole thing so let him come to you going forward

When you say 'something else going on', what do you have in mind?

She's not a real person? She's highly abusive and controlling? She's very shy and antisocial? There is something about her that he fears you may be prejudiced against?

Who knows. The invite sounded perfectly reasonable. And him to decline is also reasonable. But he has making it seem weird by getting so upset about it.

Have you been pushy with his exes? Do you feel you got on with them? Were you too close in his eyes maybe to some of them? Or has his dad made any of them feel uncomfortable?

Agreed!! When my adult DD told me she's got a boyfriend, my first thoughts were oooh, how did you meet, what's he like, where does he live, what's his name and let's see a pic. What's wrong with that?
It's just nice to have that connection, and seeing a photo means that you feel more part of your child's lives. It is perfectly normal.

As always a large proportion of MN users shows that they've completely lost the ability to react appropriately to normal human interactions.

Coupled with the fact that loads of them are terrified of "offending" their kids in any way by simply asking them a question, having any input or showing any sort of interest in their lives or - god forbid! - making a suggestion means that thread after thread after thread is an absolute treasure trove for psychologists

Edited to say that I didn't mean to quote anyone - soz

She did back off!

YANBU at all. It's a perfectly normal suggestion.
Also perfectly normal to decline and say it's too soon but not to overreact like that.

Can't help feeling there's something else going on.

Would there be people there liable to make stupid jokes about buying hats or the like?

The majority say OP is NOT unreasonable (ok, this might change, I know).

It's fine to invite someone to any party, as long as a "no" is accepted the first time. And younger people seem to automatically share pictures, probably because they've had cameras on phones their whole lives. Fair enough if this particular person doesn't want to, but he doesn't need to go on about it.

I probably would ask yes. I genuinely see it as taking an interest. It would never have occurred to me it was weird. It of course isn’t a demand so if anyone felt uncomfortable then it’s fine to refuse and move the conversation on. I just don’t think the ‘eeww’ and ‘gross’ comments are fair.

It appears to be overreacting but maybe there is history? Your husband asking to see a photo is weird though.

Such weird responses here. Of course if was ok to invite her to the party - it would have been much ruder not to do so, if she’s an important person in your son’s life. Equally, it’s perfectly fine for him to say no - but very strange for him to keep bringing it up afterwards.

Also completely normal to ask to see a photo of a family member’s new partner! I guarantee this happens 100% of the time when a young woman tells her mum she’s seeing someone new; I don’t think it automatically becomes ‘gross’ when the sexes are reversed. Unless he was rubbing his thighs and drooling when he asked, I think we can give him a pass…

Not really, 78% voted YANBU.

I just think the 28% who disapprove are more vocal 😁

What's wrong with seeing a picture. If a friend said they were seeing someone I'd deff ask to see a pic. Wierd people think that's gross....

OP, YANBU in any way.
I 'm shocked at some of the responses on here! I think the party sounds an ideal way of meeting her for the first time when as you say attention wouldn't be on her & it would be a relaxed, casual & happy atmosphere, rather than an up close, personal & possibly awkward dinner.

I don't think it 's weird to ask to see a photo of her either, you just want to know she she looks like & take an interest in her, there's nothing wrong in that.
Jeezo when did taking an interest & welcoming the new girlfriend become gross pushy and weird ? It isn't.

When & why did people become so buttoned up and unfriendly?

Your son's reaction seems way over the top, I would also wonder if he had something to hide, especially if he's not usually like this.

I would just keep it open and friendly say " OK then, we'll meet her whenever you're ready " and change the subject. Maybe ask him if he wants to bring a mate to the party instead.

Maybe he just feels a bit insecure in the relationship, and is projecting? Maybe he asked to meet her family and she said no it was way too soon, so hes defensive...who knows.

I agree a family party is quite an overwheing thing for a new girlfriend.

However if you genuinely just offered and didn't push it or pressurise him to say yes then I agree it's weird for him not just to say maybe it's a bit soon to meet the whole family. I think I'd respond and say it was just a suggestion and there was no pressure and it was fine for him to decline so you're not sure what was so annoying about a simple casual invitation.

I agree his dad asking to see a picture is a bit gross though, could he be annoyed at this and taking it out on you?

I actually think the world's gone mad. Can't ask to see a pic, and have the audacity to extend an invite to a party?

blimey

Unless there is a massive backstory, he is overreacting. I would not want to introduce a new partner at a family party but my mom saying that they are welcome and me saying no wouldn't spring a need to have several conversations. As for asking to see a pic and few questions, not gross. Unless it was followed with "nice tits". Otherwise totally normal.

Like i said, weir overreaction unless there is a backstory. I would take a stepback and not ask or talk about the gf unless he initiates and keep responses neutral. There is a risk he feels you're not interested, but seems like a safer route.

I would assume your DH's inappropriate interest in her looks could very well have something to do with your DS being upset about his new g/f being invited to his father's birthday party. Perhaps he wonders if she wasn't
absolutely stunning
whether she would have been asked .

oh come on, we all ask to see a picture when someone says they are seeing someone new.

Not the very first question I ask my daughter…. You have a boyfriend? Show me a pic!

Nailed it. H's reaction ? - vomit emoji needed.

Yeah, me too.

@HellyTheEllyphant I think it depends how you "suggested" inviting her.

Did you say:
"Oh, that's nice, why don't you bring her to big party and everyone can meet her?"
Or was it more like:
"Oh that's nice, do you think she'd like to come to big party?"

You shouldn't really have to tiptoe round a grown man like that, but, if he's feeling sensitive / there's history of you being "pushy", maybe that triggered him?

I think you can only apologise and reiterate that any guest he wants to invite is welcome but there's no expectation.

FWIW I met my partner's extended family that way (their family Christmas do is seen as a bit of a rite of passage), and it was fine. But (a) his family are very nice people and (b) I probably met his immediate family (daughters and grandchildren) separately first.

Maybe you've got past form for pushing to see his GF (in his eyes) so he's resisting. If it was me I'd just whatsapp and say "Sorry you feel I picked the wrong time, it was only a suggestion. I'll be delighted to meet her whenever you feel is best" and leave it at that. Kids can be touchy :)

You asked, he declined. That should have been the end of it. You DS should wind his neck in. DH asked to see a picture. Why is that so bad, was he asking for a nudes or something?
Your son comes across as very uptight. Maybe thats why his previous relationships ended, rather than his family taking an interest in his life

I wouldn’t worry op, the younger generation have a weird take on dating imo.