To be shocked at DS's reaction to my suggestion he brings new GF to family party

[HellyTheEllyphant]

My DS is 28, he is a lovely man, very proud of him. He told us over the weekend that he has a new girlfriend, their first date was the start of October but they have only just labelled it. At the start of February we are hosting a party for DHs 60th, it will be a rare event where most of the family and extended family will be around. I suggested to DS he brings his new GF, she could meet his brother and all the wider family in a very casual environment where there would be very little attention on her, I thought this would be ideal, it is also close enough to home for DS and her that if they felt uncomfortable or overwhelmed it would be easy to leave early with no fuss. DS has had 2 long term relationships before this one and in both cases we met the girl within about 2-3 months of their first date, so I didn't anticipate him viewing it as too soon.
However DS got quite short with me saying no its far too soon and a weird environment to introduce her to, I apologised but he kept going saying its not up to me when we meet her, but I don't feel I suggested it was. He then said we can all go out for dinner and we can meet her then, maybe the next time his brother is down (so likely March/April). I said that would be lovely and I look forward to meeting her whenever he is ready.
Figured that would be the end of the conversation, but no he has messaged again saying he is annoyed I even suggested the family party. I can't help but feel he is over reacting, I know I wasn't pushy, all I said was "your dads party is on x date, the whole family is coming, feel free to bring your girlfriend if you like, just let me know for numbers".
He was also annoyed that his dad asked to see a picture of her before asking what she does etc. which while I appreciate was a shallow response from DH, I don't think it is that bad! And she is absolutely stunning so no reason DS wouldn't want to share (not that it would matter if she wasn't as long as he is happy).

AIBU to be shocked by the reaction and to wonder if there is something else going on?

My friends son did something similar. He met a girl and my friend asked where she lived and when would they meet her etc etc.
It turned out the girl was still married and separated recently and he wasn't ready to introduce her yet , same age as your son , avoided messages etc etc from his mum.
It was around 8 months after meeting before she met the family.
I am not saying that this is the case with your family , but young people apparently do things differently these days and my friend was old fashioned 🤣

So not only have you come up with something you don't actually know is the case but then shut down the op before she's able to answer?

Wow.

Always a no smoke without fire person.

I wouldn't go out of my way to be nice to an affair partner.

Gosh people are judgey on here!

I dont think asking to see a picture is necessarily gross in the way people are insinuating. When someone meets someone new its normal to show an interest and putting a face to a name just helps with that imo - its not about sizing them up or whatever - i mean it can be, but it often isn't, its just human. Yes it seems shallow but wow lets calm down on the ops hubby a little bit!

I also think its easy to be clumsy in wanting to be inclusive and supportive. I said to my DS very cadually about a funny anecdote he shared 'that will make a great story at your wedding' and he had a super strong reaction like 'woah! Lets not get ahead of ourselves!' but it was just a throw away comment.

Yanbu to offer her to come, he doesnt want her too and thats also fine, i do think he needs to let it go now though. I wonder if there is more to it, maybe she is neurodiverse or not his usual type so he fears judgement, or maybe it is just too soon. Im sure it will settle down soon.

I can't see a problem with what you or your husband did or said. I've often asked to see a pic both men and women partners, doesn't mean I want to shag them. I too ask what they do, job, college etc nothing wrong in being interested.

If they're not ready to meet you all yet that's fine, you only offered an invitation, would be worse if you excluded her, imagine if you told people that you arranged a party for your husband and didn't send an invite to her. It was a very normal thing to do. If your ds keeps going on about it just apologise again and say you just wanted to include her and will be happy to meet her when they're ready.

I sure as heck wouldn't make them feel like shit, awkward, uncomfortable

He went a bit ott when you suggested bringing the new girlfriend to the party. I also dont think a party is the best place for meeting family, it would be a bit overwhelming with the entire family there. It was a suggestion not an order. But your dh asking for a photo is just down right creepy. I'd be very annoyed if my dh did that to one of my sons.

I agree with you, you invited someone special to him to an event, he had the option to say no which he did and no worries. If other partners are invited I think it would be kinda odd not to invite her but equally wouldn't necessarily expect her to say yes.

I don't think the Dads comment is 'gross' unless you read too much into it. Sounds like just a clunky way of trying to show interest. I've had friends say they are dating a new guy and show me a picture before telling me much about them and never found it gross or thought they were objectifying the guy. I don't see it as 'is she attractive', more 'I'm interested to be able to picture the person you are dating'. Of course if the Dad commented on her looks or only asked to see a picture then that's a bit different.

I think your son is overreacting but I agree with pp that a big party isn't a good place to introduce someone to the family. My FIL brought his new GF to his brother's 70th party- everyone was looking at her, not in a nasty way, just curious. She looked really uncomfortable and she was the most confident and arrogant person you could meet!

Huge family reunion is not a good time to present a new girlfriend generally. When my sis in law started a new relationship we also wanted to see what the person looked like, putting a face to a name. Like normal people.

Yes, some posters would have us believe we can almost hear the Dad slavering lasciviously as he asks to look at a nude pic of the g/f, rather than what probably was a perfectly normal question about whether there was a photo of her everyone could see.

Maybe there are extended family that your ds doesn’t want his g/f to meet at the Birthday celebrations, op!

Completelty agree with you.

Same with my nephew 28,We were all "ooh,show us a pic of her then!"
I genuinely can't see how this can be perceived as gross or inappropriate!?
Maybe we're just nosey bitches?🤣🤣

I also don't think it's that weird to ask for a picture, I like to see a photo of my sons girlfriends (if I haven't met them) just so I can put a face to the name. I also like seeing pictures of their friends that I haven't met.

A big family party wouldn't be a whole lot of fun for a new partner but you would have been rude not to ask her so I don't think you did anything wrong with an invitation. If you went on about it, that's different but it doesn't sound like you did.

The adult son knows his father and took offence.

That speaks volumes to me

This is ridiculous! Ignore this as I don’t agree sounds like he’s just being a bit touchy and sensitive so I’d leave it!

I'll be honest, I'd have hated having to meet my boyfriend"s family for the first time, at a party. It would overwhelm me, and I'd feel uncomfortable. I do understand where you're coming from, lots of people, the focus wouldn't be on them as a couple but whoever's birthday it happens to be. However, even understanding your motive, I would still hate it!!

Your husband asking to see a picture before asking what she does for a living. I think it's natural to want to know what someone looks like, but yes I can see that it came across as rather shallow.

Your son clearly doesn't feel ready to introduce you all to his girlfriend. It looks as if he wants to wait until they've been together 6 months or there abouts before doing so. You say you weren't pushy, so your son's reaction seems a little overboard. Have you had the habit of going on at all in the past?

The first time I met my now-husband’s family was a big family gathering - I hadn’t met any of them before (not even his parents or siblings) and everyone was there (genuinely the next time I saw some of them was 6 years later at our wedding). At one point one of his uncles thought it’d be “fun” to test me on everyone’s names. Luckily I’m the kind of person who can handle something like that, but I certainly wouldn’t recommend it to anyone.

Anyway, there was nothing wrong with you suggesting it, and nothing wrong with him turning it down, but for him to keep going on about it does sound a bit unusual, and like it’s touched a nerve for some reason.

He was also annoyed that his dad asked to see a picture of her before asking what she does etc. which while I appreciate was a shallow response from DH, I don't think it is that bad! And she is absolutely stunning so no reason DS wouldn't want to share (not that it would matter if she wasn't as long as he is happy).

I didn't think you were UR until I got to this part. This is weird and the way it is presented sounds exactly like she was being assessed on looks and status. Which would probably explain why he doesn't want to bring her to the party.

Ask him exactly what is bothering him and try to see his perspective.

I think “ooh have you got a picture” has been the first question I’ve asked all my friends and families who have a new significant other. Not so I can leer over them or assess their attractiveness, it just makes them seem more real in my mind, puts a face to the name and helps me contextualise follow up questions like what do they do (which is arguably just as shallow, as what does their chosen job say about them other than their earning potential/class/education level…)

I also think a big family party isn't necessarily the right occasion to introduce a new girlfriend - he'd probably like you to meet her in a more intimate setting so you can chat over dinner and get to know her. But his reaction is a bit OTT and there's no reason for him to be annoyed, he can just say no thanks and we'll have dinner sometime soon instead. Unless there's some big back story or he's normally quite touchy, I'd have been taken aback at his reaction too!

Just tell the little shit to grow up, act his age and get over himself!

Fucking hell, that’s quite a leap!

Why’s that gross?

Leave it to him, she is his girlfriend, no your relative yet. If he thinks is early is because is early.