To be shocked at DS's reaction to my suggestion he brings new GF to family party

[HellyTheEllyphant]

My DS is 28, he is a lovely man, very proud of him. He told us over the weekend that he has a new girlfriend, their first date was the start of October but they have only just labelled it. At the start of February we are hosting a party for DHs 60th, it will be a rare event where most of the family and extended family will be around. I suggested to DS he brings his new GF, she could meet his brother and all the wider family in a very casual environment where there would be very little attention on her, I thought this would be ideal, it is also close enough to home for DS and her that if they felt uncomfortable or overwhelmed it would be easy to leave early with no fuss. DS has had 2 long term relationships before this one and in both cases we met the girl within about 2-3 months of their first date, so I didn't anticipate him viewing it as too soon.
However DS got quite short with me saying no its far too soon and a weird environment to introduce her to, I apologised but he kept going saying its not up to me when we meet her, but I don't feel I suggested it was. He then said we can all go out for dinner and we can meet her then, maybe the next time his brother is down (so likely March/April). I said that would be lovely and I look forward to meeting her whenever he is ready.
Figured that would be the end of the conversation, but no he has messaged again saying he is annoyed I even suggested the family party. I can't help but feel he is over reacting, I know I wasn't pushy, all I said was "your dads party is on x date, the whole family is coming, feel free to bring your girlfriend if you like, just let me know for numbers".
He was also annoyed that his dad asked to see a picture of her before asking what she does etc. which while I appreciate was a shallow response from DH, I don't think it is that bad! And she is absolutely stunning so no reason DS wouldn't want to share (not that it would matter if she wasn't as long as he is happy).

AIBU to be shocked by the reaction and to wonder if there is something else going on?

It seems far more complicated and stressful than when I last did it in the late 1980’s, that’s for sure.

OP didn't say that it was the first thing he asked. Just that he asked about the picture before he asked what she did for a living.
And as I said up thread, lots of people would be irritated by a first question being "what does she do for a living?" as if they're checking out whether she's worthy.

There’s no right or wrong when it comes to feelings. People are where they are.
Whatever the reason for his response, the worst thing you can do is have a go at him for it or demand that he explain it.

If you haven’t yet responded to his message, go back with something like “I’m sorry if I upset you, I didn’t intend to make you uncomfortable. We’ll be happy to meet her whenever that time comes.”

And leave it there. Talk with him about other things (his job, hobbies, whatever) and leave it for him to mention her again.

Letting him know she's welcome at the party is a nice thing to do, I can see why you would feel shocked at his reaction when you were just trying to be welcoming of her.

Maybe there's some context you're not aware of behind his response, like his GF has just come out of a long term relationship and has said she wants to take things slow, so he's trying to respect that. Or maybe she struggles with anxiety and he knows this event would be way too much for her. Or maybe he's not sure about the relationship himself so doesn't feel confident about introducing her. It's a bit unfair for him to assume you're aware of this context though, he could have been politer in his response. If the response is out of character maybe you caught him on a bad day!

I do think it's nice he felt he could tell you he was annoyed by the suggestion - it's really positive he can share how he feels with you, even when the feelings are negative, rather than keeping them to himself and stewing on them! I tread on eggshells and worry about hurting my parents feelings, and it definitely affects how open and honest I feel I can be with them and definitely causes resentment.

Based on what ?

Why? One of my first questions about a new BF/GF would be what do they look like? What do they do? In the olden days there would have been a verbal description. Now we have these things called cameras to help.

Tell him to get a fucking grip, it was an invitation not a bloody summons. You're allowed to make suggestions and he is perfectly free to consider them or not.

You don't sound at all pushy.
It's very normal these days, with everyone taking mobile selfies, to say giz a gleg then, when informed about a new romance.
It's equally normal for someone to feel that being thrown into a family party might be a bit overwhelming.
His anger is not normal - particularly as he has continued to express anger.
Might he be particularly smitten and unusuallyprotective over this girl/woman?
I just wouldn't mention her again, unless he chooses to talk about her.

Why is it weird. Sounds like he was taking an interest and why would DS be pissed off that he asked to see one before asking what she did for a living ? Had ‘what does she do’ been the first question DS probably would have found fault with that too. Being curious in this situation it’s natural. That posters here are putting a weird or pervy spin on it is typical of MN.

Why is it gross? I always ask to see pictures. Doesnt’t necessarily sound particularly gross unless he did it in a Percy/suggestive way

Because it is weird. I find it weird to want to know what somebody’s partner looks like. It has no relevance to anything.

I don’t see why thinking that is “typical of MN”.

OMG...nothing wrong in saying she could come to a party, you could've been accused of being uninterested or unwelcoming if you hadn't...why is everyone so touchy?? He thought it was too soon, fine don't pass the invite on..it wasn't like you asked her directly & overstepped

Based on his unexpected reaction

It might just be me (and OP’s DH) but I think it’s perfectly normal to want to see a photo of someone your family/friend is in a relationship with.

If any of my friends are going on a date or have met someone it’s all “Omg show me a pic of them!” Sam with my family members, we all like to see pics of new people.

God the first thing I say to my adult daughter when she has a new bloke she’s told me about is ‘ let’s see a photo then so I can thoroughly assess him.’

Didn’t realise I should be very sensible and serious and po faced about it all. 🤣

on the face of your op, you’ve done nothing wrong and he sounds irritating. Of course if there’s some back story then that’s a different matter

As a dad, would it be the very first thing you asked? To see a photo?

I'm with mum. I would much prefer a party where I can have a couple of drinks and the spotlight isn't on me, rather than I sit down meal which can feel quite intense sat opposite each other having to make polite conversation.

I mean you both sound quite dramatic, tbh. Him with his 'and another thing' message. You being 'shocked' at his reaction.

Perhaps you are feeling this more because your bright and breezy '"feel free to bring" came off the back of a whole scenario you had already constructed (in your head): "I suggested to DS he brings his new GF, she could meet his brother and all the wider family in a very casual environment where there would be very little attention on her, I thought this would be ideal, it is also close enough to home for DS and her that if they felt uncomfortable or overwhelmed it would be easy to leave early with no fuss. DS has had 2 long term relationships before this one and in both cases we met the girl within about 2-3 months of their first date, so I didn't anticipate him viewing it as too soon.'

That's a lot of overthinking there. Perhaps your DS is prone to the same?

I’m not a dad. But if my dad asked to see a photo of my new partner I wouldn’t bat an eyelid. I’d show their whole Facebook profile to my family.

I asked to see what my son's new girlfriend looked like once I knew they were officially a couple and before I started quizzing him on their origin story etc. Does that make me gross?🙄

I didn't realise there was a 'right' order to ask questions!

You… Dad, I’ve got a new girlfriend
Dad…. Show us a photo

no… how did you meet, what does she do? Is it serious? Just… let’s take a look at her

WTF?! That's so rude and unnecessary.

Tbh I think there's a couple of posters on here that are a bit unusual in their extemely thin-skinned, oversensitive views, that have set a tone.

I think you apologised- thats all you can do.
Re party - i was introduced to DH family at a birthday party - it was totally too much and overwhelming.

Re dad asking to see a picture and asking about occupation- thats just normal small talk isn't it. Ignore the trolls suggesting your H was being pervy

Yeah, sorry I’m failing to see how that’s odd.

Completely normal in my circles. I do it myself.