To be shocked at DS's reaction to my suggestion he brings new GF to family party

[HellyTheEllyphant]

My DS is 28, he is a lovely man, very proud of him. He told us over the weekend that he has a new girlfriend, their first date was the start of October but they have only just labelled it. At the start of February we are hosting a party for DHs 60th, it will be a rare event where most of the family and extended family will be around. I suggested to DS he brings his new GF, she could meet his brother and all the wider family in a very casual environment where there would be very little attention on her, I thought this would be ideal, it is also close enough to home for DS and her that if they felt uncomfortable or overwhelmed it would be easy to leave early with no fuss. DS has had 2 long term relationships before this one and in both cases we met the girl within about 2-3 months of their first date, so I didn't anticipate him viewing it as too soon.
However DS got quite short with me saying no its far too soon and a weird environment to introduce her to, I apologised but he kept going saying its not up to me when we meet her, but I don't feel I suggested it was. He then said we can all go out for dinner and we can meet her then, maybe the next time his brother is down (so likely March/April). I said that would be lovely and I look forward to meeting her whenever he is ready.
Figured that would be the end of the conversation, but no he has messaged again saying he is annoyed I even suggested the family party. I can't help but feel he is over reacting, I know I wasn't pushy, all I said was "your dads party is on x date, the whole family is coming, feel free to bring your girlfriend if you like, just let me know for numbers".
He was also annoyed that his dad asked to see a picture of her before asking what she does etc. which while I appreciate was a shallow response from DH, I don't think it is that bad! And she is absolutely stunning so no reason DS wouldn't want to share (not that it would matter if she wasn't as long as he is happy).

AIBU to be shocked by the reaction and to wonder if there is something else going on?

I’ve not said it’s sinister but my opinion is that if your child says they have a gf/bf, it’s less shallow to at least start with “oh lovely, are they nice, where did you meet, what do they do etc” then ask for a photo…seems shallow to base your very first thing on what they look like.

But his son didn’t complain that his pervert father was drooling after his gf, he was merely annoyed. Posters here have chosen to insinuate some ugly things when in fact the father hasn’t done anything abnormal. Which is why OP (who also knows the man in question!) is bewildered by her son’s behaviour.

your son sounds like he is whinging for the sake of it!
Without knowing any backstory (have you pushed to meet partners before etc) I would say to any of my close friends, family members and my children when they are older ‘oh lovely, lets see a picture, what do they do etc?!’
I think he is massively overreacting and I don’t understand the amount of comments saying you or your husband are out of line for asking to see them 😆

'What do they do?' is potentially much more aligned to judgement than 'let's see a photo', IMO. I'd very much hope that it wouldn't be the first thing a parent asked.

All OP said was that her son was annoyed that his dad asked to see a picture of her before asking what she does etc. That doesn’t suggest anything off, or pervy, as you seem to be suggesting.

She also said that it was "shallow of him", which does suggest she too saw it as him wanting to see how good looking she was rather than just putting a name to her face.

That is an over reaction from your son and people saying it's weird to want to see a picture are the ones being weird as well as the ones saying you shouldn't have invited her to the family party. I agree it would be the perfect environment so it's weird that he reacted like that... People twisting the context here and I think it's unfair. I think there's more to it.

What do they do was way down my list after are they nice and are they local so perfectly acceptable to ask (later on) what do they do and do you have a photo.

Something else definitely going on. Doesn't sound like a stable relationship, based on his reaction.
Nothing wrong with asking to see a photo.

My first thougt too despite saying they were 'official' This or the fact he knows she'd refuse because he doesn't totally trust she is definitely serious &. deepdown knows she'd refuse.

FWIW I think all the terminolgy nowadays, such as seeing someone, talking to someone, in a relationship, official etc which until official means you can date others at the same time is utterly ridiculous. I'm happy in my day once you were dating someone you were faithful to that person until & if it didn't work out.

I don't think you've done anything wrong OP.

If you wanted to, you could reply with something along the lines of 'I'm really sorry if that felt too much, I just wanted to make sure you knew she was welcome. Look forward to meeting here when/if it feels right to you'

But sounds like you already did that.

Agree with a previous poster - maybe a bit of a bad day/ something else going on.

I've sent my mother some howlers over the years which were totally not her fault. Occupational hazard so to speak.

Hope it's a great party!

This was my reaction when my DD told me that she had a ‘sort of’ boyfriend. Hadn’t been introduced to any of her friends while she was at university although she had mentioned names. Still together over 2 years later

I know what you mean but the question is a short cut to finding out their background, education, intelligence, work ethic and ambition. Not always of course. Their answer doesn’t tell us how thoughtful, generous or kind they are so I agree with you there.

That's not necessarily my opinion, I was explaining to a poster who said they didn't understand

What's wrong in asking to see a photo? I would have

why? maybe he just wanted to see a picture..being nosey etc. I'd do the same. I think you're reading too much into it....

Gosh you are a judgy lot! Poor OP’s DH. If anybody starts to tell me about their new partner/new dog/ new car/ new carbuncle/ new tassels on their cowboy boots….etc I say oooh have you got a picture, followed up after viewing picture with some polite query like “what do they do/ Is he a pedigree/ gosh that looks nasty/ did you sew them on yourself?…..that’s impressive.”. This is in no way evidence that I am any sort of superficial perv, about partners/dogs/blemishes or footwear. I simply find all of the above dull but I pretend to be interested as it is clearly very important to the teller. I figure DH is clearly on the same page as me and I am quite worried our faked enthusiasm and interest is interpreted as something unpleasant. Next time someone starts telling me about their new grandchild I will just yawn and change the subject.