To be shocked at DS's reaction to my suggestion he brings new GF to family party

[HellyTheEllyphant]

My DS is 28, he is a lovely man, very proud of him. He told us over the weekend that he has a new girlfriend, their first date was the start of October but they have only just labelled it. At the start of February we are hosting a party for DHs 60th, it will be a rare event where most of the family and extended family will be around. I suggested to DS he brings his new GF, she could meet his brother and all the wider family in a very casual environment where there would be very little attention on her, I thought this would be ideal, it is also close enough to home for DS and her that if they felt uncomfortable or overwhelmed it would be easy to leave early with no fuss. DS has had 2 long term relationships before this one and in both cases we met the girl within about 2-3 months of their first date, so I didn't anticipate him viewing it as too soon.
However DS got quite short with me saying no its far too soon and a weird environment to introduce her to, I apologised but he kept going saying its not up to me when we meet her, but I don't feel I suggested it was. He then said we can all go out for dinner and we can meet her then, maybe the next time his brother is down (so likely March/April). I said that would be lovely and I look forward to meeting her whenever he is ready.
Figured that would be the end of the conversation, but no he has messaged again saying he is annoyed I even suggested the family party. I can't help but feel he is over reacting, I know I wasn't pushy, all I said was "your dads party is on x date, the whole family is coming, feel free to bring your girlfriend if you like, just let me know for numbers".
He was also annoyed that his dad asked to see a picture of her before asking what she does etc. which while I appreciate was a shallow response from DH, I don't think it is that bad! And she is absolutely stunning so no reason DS wouldn't want to share (not that it would matter if she wasn't as long as he is happy).

AIBU to be shocked by the reaction and to wonder if there is something else going on?

Well I agree with you too, it seems pretty normal to ask to see what your child’s new girlfriend or boyfriend looks like. The opportunity for people to take offence seem to be more and more plentiful these days.

Same here.

Not according to the poll. Most think OP INBU

i can’t see that OP or her dh have done anything wrong. OP has just invited her if she wants to come & asking to see a photo is just taking an interest. If he doesn’t want her to be invited to anything or anyone to ask to see a photo then son should just not mention her.

Yes of course it’s her fault. It’s always the parent’s fault on Mumsnet.

It is too soon to meet the whole extended family and all of your friends.. He feels pressured. I feel pressured just thinking about it. I strongly suspect that you're not as chill as you think you are.

I think people are being a bit unreasonable in their responses.

I don’t see anything wrong with the way in which the OP phrased the invitation. It’s not as if she said “ooh, do bring x. We’re all dying to meet her and it would be lovely to introduce her to the whole family so we can all get to know her properly”.

And personally I don’t see what is wrong with asking to see a photo. It hasn’t been an issue so far for me because so far my daughters’ boyfriends have all been students but if one told me that she had a new boyfriend I’d be more likely to ask to see a photo than to ask what he did for a living.

That wouldn’t be to “assess his attractiveness” but so that I could see what he looked like - did he look kind? Have a nice smile?

She would expect me to be more judgmental about someone based on their job than on their looks (unless they looked 20 years older than her or had an extreme look like a face covered in tattoos).

If I asked about their job, she would probably think I was assessing his suitability for marriage!

I wonder whether that is because on the whole men are judged more for what they do than for what they look like, whereas for women it is the other way round?

That’s what I thought. If my dd said she’d been seeing someone for 4 months I’d probably ask to see a photo as part of the general conversation.

He does sound touchy. I'd guess he's a bit worried or insecure in the relationship and thinks either it won't last or he'll look too keen / serious if he suggests the party to her. And he's getting defensive with you about it instead of facing his feelings head on. Especially as it's taken them months to 'label' it - perhaps he's just not that confident it will go the distance.

His reaction sounds like he perceived the invitation as being a lot more pressure to bring her than you intended it to be. If you genuinely did just say "bring her if you like" and accepted his "no", then I wouldn't worry about it. If he brings it up again just say it's completely up to him; she's welcome but you also understand if he doesn't think it's the right time to invite her. Let him tell you what upset him so much if he's willing, but don't force it. As he said he'd introduce you all at another time, I'd leave him alone to arrange that.

“Dear Son, it was an invitation, not a summons. Stop moaning,
love Mum x”

I didn't know either. I'm glad I do now so I'll know not to ask dds to see a photo of future boyfriends. I'd have just been showing an interest, not 'assessing attractiveness"

Why do peope want to know what people do for a living first?

They never ask how anyone is, are they happy etc.

I don't think it's actually that long for them to have labelled it by the standard young people seem to use now.

DS2 once told me the normal pattern now is about a month of weekly dates, then maybe up a little and call it "exclusive" then a little longer before a label. She was also back in her home country for Christmas.

I imagine he's probably just panicking a little as he has been single for a while, likes her and doesn't want to mess it up.

Speaking as a onetime gf it may have been the young woman who backed off from this. She may well have wanted to kep things casual until she knew DS much better. Or perhaps the couple had agreed to keep things casual for the time being.

Back in the day I had a relationship with a man. I had made it clear I was not looking for marriage and wanted to keep it casual. We saw one another every other weekend (I worked alternates) and once or twice in the week. That suited me fine. It was what they now call a "friends with benefits" relationship.

MY bf had children by a former marriage and we timed our weekends so that when I was working at the library he saw his children. First be began hinting that I should meet them. I said no, because I was childfree, and not interested in parenting another woman's children. Then he started pressuring me to meet his parents. Again I said no. "Its you Im seeing, not your family." He argued that if I was rejecting his family I was rejecting him. It was a deal breaker and we split up after 15 months.

Well, times have certainly changed. When I was young it was called taking an interest in your child's friends.

I am going to join the minority here. From what the OP has said it was phrased that the new girlfriend would be welcome to come not that the son must bring her to meet everyone. Especially as previous girlfriends have been introduced after a couple of months. If I was the girlfriend in this situation I would much rather meet in a large group where I could mingle and move on if necessary and would feel much more under scrutiny at a family dinner sitting round a table where there is no escape if I felt uncomfortable.

As for asking to look at a photo, young people seem to be taking and sharing pictures every five minutes these days so I don't think that is particularly unusual. Ditto what she does for a living. Isn't that just getting to know a bit about the person?

Would you all jump on the mum if she wanted to see pics of daughters boyfriend

Of course they wouldn't.

OP you were attempting to be welcoming (though I agree that a big party isn't the best option) and your DH was just showing the same interest that most would do.

I'd just avoid the subject with your son for a bit, and wait for him.

I don’t find this weird at all. These days we have pictures of everything and everyone, easily accessed on our phones. I think it’s pretty natural to ask if you have a photo, loads of people have said it to me and I have said it to them. Including my daughter when she got a boyfriend!

It sounds like she didn’t do anything in the beginning to back up from? Proffered a casual invitation and then stepped away?

To be honest 'what does she do?' can be perceived as more offensive than asking if he had a photo of her!
The former can be seen as a parent working out if she's 'good enough'!

Absolutely! Talk about mountains and molehills.

Myself and my partner both met eachother's family's at bug family dos, and even though they were casual events with lots of people, the attention was still very much on us, everyone wanted to ask us questions/get to know us etc. And it was exhausting having to do that with so many people at once.

Just give him some grace. He's twitchy about it for whatever reason; just say something along the lines of "no worries; happy to talk if there is something deeper than the invite worrying you but otherwise looking forwards to seeing you at X."

I met DH's family all in one go and it was a lot but we'd been together for a while by then and were both on board with the marriage train by the time it happened.

What are you on about?

your son is just being touchy, youve not done anything wrong. Maybe hes just having a bad day.

I don't think it's weird to say 'have you got a photo?' of a new partner, but I wouldn't be bothered if they didn't, it's just taking an interest. I'm sure your dad wasn't sizing her up, my mum asked if I had a photo of my boyfriend and I pretty sure she wasn't giving him marks out of 10.

I don't think you were in the wrong in what you did, you issued a welcome, but don't go on about it, he'd prefer something else, and if he sent that text I wouldn't defend my behaviour, just say 'sure, whatever you think' and leave it.