To be shocked at DS's reaction to my suggestion he brings new GF to family party

[HellyTheEllyphant]

My DS is 28, he is a lovely man, very proud of him. He told us over the weekend that he has a new girlfriend, their first date was the start of October but they have only just labelled it. At the start of February we are hosting a party for DHs 60th, it will be a rare event where most of the family and extended family will be around. I suggested to DS he brings his new GF, she could meet his brother and all the wider family in a very casual environment where there would be very little attention on her, I thought this would be ideal, it is also close enough to home for DS and her that if they felt uncomfortable or overwhelmed it would be easy to leave early with no fuss. DS has had 2 long term relationships before this one and in both cases we met the girl within about 2-3 months of their first date, so I didn't anticipate him viewing it as too soon.
However DS got quite short with me saying no its far too soon and a weird environment to introduce her to, I apologised but he kept going saying its not up to me when we meet her, but I don't feel I suggested it was. He then said we can all go out for dinner and we can meet her then, maybe the next time his brother is down (so likely March/April). I said that would be lovely and I look forward to meeting her whenever he is ready.
Figured that would be the end of the conversation, but no he has messaged again saying he is annoyed I even suggested the family party. I can't help but feel he is over reacting, I know I wasn't pushy, all I said was "your dads party is on x date, the whole family is coming, feel free to bring your girlfriend if you like, just let me know for numbers".
He was also annoyed that his dad asked to see a picture of her before asking what she does etc. which while I appreciate was a shallow response from DH, I don't think it is that bad! And she is absolutely stunning so no reason DS wouldn't want to share (not that it would matter if she wasn't as long as he is happy).

AIBU to be shocked by the reaction and to wonder if there is something else going on?

I dont personally see an issue with your suggestion. It was a suggestion and he didnt take it. Thats it. End of. He has raised it a few times since - its good you have open communication with him. Maybe he is checking, and double checking that you have no issue with the decline. A 28 year old me would have had no issue meeting the wider family at a party. A mid 40s me would also see no issue doing it. Some close friends would hate it.

The picture request whilst not proper, is often a request. So long as DH isnt the type to oggle over, its no biggie. Sounds like if your DH had asked what does she do, then DS would have taken issue with that too. Wonder whats bothering him.

It's a bit soon if they'd only just become an item officially - but I think his response is a bit OTT as well. Maybe he's not feeling really secure in this new relationship and wants things to be more established before her meeting you, his parents. You'll have to be patient and not pushy. Time will tell if she's in it for the long haul.

I completely agree with this! I think it was lovely to casually invite her along (and equally fine if they're not ready for that yet) and I personally don't think his dad asking to see a picture of her is disgusting at all not do I think it's him only 'putting her attractiveness as an importance' I think it's quite a normal request for someone who genuinely takes an interest in their son's life. Maybe your son and his gf had had an argument that morning or something and he was just in a mood, I don't know but I wouldn't worry too much about it OP!

Sounds to me as if he feels you will not approve of her- especially with rejecting the idea of seeing a photo out of hand.
My brother's girlfriends were usually stunning- but as the skirts got shorter and shorter and the make up got thicker and thicker he stopped bringing them to meet us- because he knew Mum wouldn't approve.
He used to come up with these kinds of touchy answers you are getting.

Wanting to see a photo of your son's girlfriend doesn't have to be assessing her attractiveness. It's just curiosity. I would want to know what my daughter's boyfriend looks like and I think it would be weird if I didn't

I think peoples reactions about asking to see a picture is a bit weird. It's not like he saw a picture and went 'look at the arse on that'. My grandparents always said stuff like 'well lets have a look then have you got a picture' then it would go on to 'tell us about them/do they have a job' etc.

So many judgey people over a tiny comment!

OP, a 60th is a bit of a bigger event than a regular family party, even if its just round yours or whatever it just feels a bit more official. If they've been seeing each other and only just labelling it then it could well be that she didn't want to move too fast and your son is either protecting that or worrying that you'll respond in a way that will make things awkward.
I get not wanting to go to the 60th anyway.

Could it be something to do with her being from another country, and he's concerned about attitudes toward that? The other thing I thought of is maybe she's a lot older, or something else unexpected. A friend has been going out with someone around 28, and she's in her late 40s but looks amazing. So she'd look great in a picture, but in person, talking about her life, all would become clear. The couple I know are happy, but I also know he hasn't taken her to meet the parents.

All of this.

I would have done precisely the same, OP. I have two DS, younger (17) is ND and always a risk with him that it could backfire. Depending on nothing, my bright and breezy “ Hey, if you’d like to bring her, that’s fab!”, could result in a “ mmm, I’ll see” ( which would be a best case scenario), but if I hadn’t asked him, assuming for the reasons some pp’s had given ( that it might be too much), he probably would have been really upset she wasn’t invited.

I see zero wrong with DH’s request, either. Before camera phones, what parent wouldn’t ask “ Ooooh, what do they look like”?! Now, that’s just morphed into assuming they have a photo and asking to see, instead.

I really feel for you. Maybe he’s worrying about how they are getting along… it could be anything. As much as I know I’d be doing, please don’t overthink this, and I think you absolutely did the right thing! You threw it out there, he knows the invite stands. And, he also knows that there is an agreement for a more low key meal when his brother is next around……… 🍀💖!

Friday Night Dinner…🤷‍♀️😈😹?!!

I think he hasn't been dating her for very long. Its a very 'serious' step to make ..meeting your partner's family...to some aanyway.Perhaps this is why he said that. Who knows. I don't think you did a bad thing tbh...

Only on mumsnet 🙄

My first thought was that he didn't want the girlfriend to think that they were in a serious relationship. I have no idea why he took offence, however.

No she's not ...nothing peculiar about this. Just an overaction from son.

There are really peculiar people on this thread making a mountain out of a molehill . Perfectly normal invitation from OP and I don't know why she had to apologise to son. Asking to see a photo is perfectly normal . I asked my daughter to show me a picture of her boyfriend...nothing gross about it .

It's not any man asking to see a picture of any young woman. It is a potential new family member. K think the problem is a generation divide. Not gross. I don't think you it is any reason to get upset.

I don’t see a problem with you offering the invitation and I don’t see a problem with your husband asking to see a picture. I would do the same! You apologized and said never mind so I do wonder why he’s going on and on. Maybe he doesn’t feel too secure in this relationship. Give him time and space; all will be revealed!

In Real Life too… after all the DS also thinks the same re his father’s request. @LoveWine123

Your son is over reacting, if he doesn’t want to bring her then don’t, it’s no big deal. I would ask my kids to see a picture too, not to judge their attractiveness but just to see what they look like.

I think the consensus on here is that the son is acting really weird.

This. The son sounds a complete drama llama. 🙄

It could be gross but it could be a simple expression of interest. After all what we look like is how most people recognise others. Why do we always have to jump to sinister conclusions?

You’re only in the minority because the vast amount of people here who have decided to post on this thread just love to give out !

I can’t see what OP has done wrong either .
Jeez, she asked her son if he’d like to bring his gf to his dads party , no big deal !
His dad asked to see a pic of new gf , So what if he did ???? , it’s normal !!!! . My lads have gfs & bfs , one of the first things I asked was could I see a pic !
How gross of me , like ffs 🙄 ..
People need to get a serious grip ..

this site so does not reflect people i know in real life.
many would ask to see a photo of someoene partner , even at work when somoen gets a new girlfriend/ boyfriend and it becomes serous often people ask what they are like, do they have a photo etc
also mentioning he can bring her to family party no big deal, if she wasn’t invited that could have been wrong. I met both my boys current girlfriends within weeks , but they live at time so guess no choice, they both also came to large family events within a couple months, not inviting them would have been ruder in my opinion

But the son is the only one of us posters aside from the Op who actually knows the man in question @LoveWine123