To be shocked at DS's reaction to my suggestion he brings new GF to family party

[HellyTheEllyphant]

My DS is 28, he is a lovely man, very proud of him. He told us over the weekend that he has a new girlfriend, their first date was the start of October but they have only just labelled it. At the start of February we are hosting a party for DHs 60th, it will be a rare event where most of the family and extended family will be around. I suggested to DS he brings his new GF, she could meet his brother and all the wider family in a very casual environment where there would be very little attention on her, I thought this would be ideal, it is also close enough to home for DS and her that if they felt uncomfortable or overwhelmed it would be easy to leave early with no fuss. DS has had 2 long term relationships before this one and in both cases we met the girl within about 2-3 months of their first date, so I didn't anticipate him viewing it as too soon.
However DS got quite short with me saying no its far too soon and a weird environment to introduce her to, I apologised but he kept going saying its not up to me when we meet her, but I don't feel I suggested it was. He then said we can all go out for dinner and we can meet her then, maybe the next time his brother is down (so likely March/April). I said that would be lovely and I look forward to meeting her whenever he is ready.
Figured that would be the end of the conversation, but no he has messaged again saying he is annoyed I even suggested the family party. I can't help but feel he is over reacting, I know I wasn't pushy, all I said was "your dads party is on x date, the whole family is coming, feel free to bring your girlfriend if you like, just let me know for numbers".
He was also annoyed that his dad asked to see a picture of her before asking what she does etc. which while I appreciate was a shallow response from DH, I don't think it is that bad! And she is absolutely stunning so no reason DS wouldn't want to share (not that it would matter if she wasn't as long as he is happy).

AIBU to be shocked by the reaction and to wonder if there is something else going on?

None of us know the dad.

The DS does know his dad and he didn’t like that his father seems to have asked from the outset to see a photo of his girlfriend.

So the fact that DS was not happy about it might just indicate his dad’s intentions weren’t as pure as the driven snow

OP, while I think it's perfectly normal to want to see a picture of a new GF (or a new pet!) the way you said that it was shallow of her DH does rather give the impression that it was done in a way that wasn't simply about putting a face to an important person in DS's life, but was asked with the implication, even if made in a joking way, that this is what was most important about her. So you might want to think about whether you have some generational value and communication differences that are driving a wedge. I think younger people today use humour to communicate nuance or to test the ground a lot less and are more primed to find it offensive than to recognise it as an attempt to traverse unsteady ground.

However, he also sounds extremely touchy about it. I think there are two main possibilities and it might be a bit of a mixture of both. One - you've come across as a bit pushy or judgy in the past, and though DS acquiesced then, he didn't like it (since she has a home country, part of which may also be a heightened concern about you saying something he would considered inappropriate - because ideas about what is and isn't appropriate around race and ethnicity have changed a bit and younger generations seem to be primed to find their elders inept in this regard). And two - the GF is more important to him or he is less sure of their relationship or some other version of "don't want to introduce another factor yet."

Personally I think you're right about the party being an ideal time to introduce a GF. There will be no focus on her, he can mainly let her shine while talking to the small band of people his own age who will be there, so not too overwhelming, lots of good vibes, etc. But I see that several people on this thread disagree (though at a loss about why they'd see it as pressured - it's an event about someone else entirely).

In any case, you sound like a loving parent who just wants to be supportive and welcoming to whoever DS thinks of as important in his life. Just give him a bit of time.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with extending the invitation to the party - I'm inclined to agree, the attention won't be on her and it would be far less intense than a meal, which can feel like an interrogation when 'meeting the family'.
But equally, it is up to him if he feels it is right for them, as a couple.

Seems odd to not just leave it at that though, and to make a big thing out of it.

I don't understand the over reaction to someone asking to see a photo. I'd like to see a photo of anyone in any of my dcs' lives they are talking about, so I can visualise them. Happens quite a lot if one of my dc is talking about someone they went to school with, or played football with and I can't remember them, a quick look at a picture helps. Same with if they have told us they are seeing someone - it's nice to be able to visualise them when they get mentioned. There's nothing gross about it, and nothing sexual about it. Some of you have very weird ways of thinking.

Bloody hell, it sounds like you’ve had a roasting OP from both your son and the vocal minority on MN.
FWIW I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong at all. Some people just love to be offended it seems.

You’ve done nothing wrong at all! People losing their minds here! Made a casual invite to a family party…..son said perhaps not and you left it there! And I’ve always asked to see photos of my kids new boyfriends/girlfriends….. as has my husband! Face to a name as an pp has said and we’re hardly perving over them. I’m interested and also interested in what they do so have asked that question also…... Jesus, some people are weird!

Exactly! I recently asked my nephew if I could see a picture of his GF, I didn't think I'd be labeled as gross just to put a face on a name.

I mean, I also ask people to show me a picture of their dog / cat / kitchen / monstera plants, so I must have seriously weird kinks.

MN is very weird atm.

When was asking to see someone's picture gross ?

Your son's being very touchy. Declining the invite and moving right on was all that was needed. Is he always this sensitive? Maybe he's a mumsnetter.

And btw I was introduced to dh’s extended family at a party, just a couple of months in to our relationship, I was 24 so still quite young but it didn’t faze me at all.

Maybe it's a bit early on for a family party.

Not 'gross' at all to ask to see a photo ,good grief 🙄

So if wrong for a man to ask to see a photo of son's girlfriend, is it wrong for a mum to ask to see a photo of a boyfriend

I’d be the same. If I see a group photo of teen DS and friends I ask who’s who. I was looking at photos of a friend’s DD’s new boyfriend recently…my friend was showing me the pics. Sounds normal unless DH has form for being lecherous? Also normal to ask what someone does.

I do think it’s a bit soon to meet the whole family at once.

I took my then boyfriend now husband to my mum's 60th birthday party when we'd been going out the same length of time. A good time was had by all, everyone got shitfaced and we all pointed and laughed at his hangover the next morning. Horses for courses innit.

I agree with pp that it would be odder not to issue a casual invitation now you know she’s on the scene.

I have so many questions. Is it all a horrible and traumatic episode you would rather not discuss or are you open to an AMA?

So your DH is an old perve 🤮

You and your husband were not the least bit unreasonable.
He is feeling very insecure and touchy.
He is keen and she may be less so.

No need for his lecturing message, but let him off.
Ask nothing more, give him his space.

I got together with DH in September and had Christmas with his family - and I'd already had coffee out and dinner with his parents.

When the invitation for Christmas was extended, he presumably said "thanks she'll be there", otherwise he'd have said "thanks but she has plans". On no planet would it have been appropriate for him to rudely berate his own mother, especially not as adult man - the moody, oversensitive teen phase should be long in the rear view mirror.

Oh get a fucking grip.

Well his own son, who knows him, seems to agree

FFS. Would you say that if a mum asked to see a photo of her DD's new boyfriend?

Of course you wouldn't.

The misandry in this thread is ridiculous.
Dad has to be a perve, where a mum would just be showing an interest.

And at risk of being a broken record, nowhere does OP say that the first question her DH asked was 'can I see her photo?'. Only that he asked that before he asked what she did for a living.

His own son is nearly thirty years old and rude to his own mother.

Don’t be ridiculous.

I asked to see a pic of ds’s gf before I met her as I wasn’t sure when that would be. It’s simple curiosity and showing an interest.

Your ds sounds like he may be projecting a bit maybe? Maybe the gf is playing it cool!

But I'd be exactly the same if it was my niece with a new boyfriend,I'd still want a see a pic,regardless of the new partners sex.
I think people are reading too much into the dad asking to see a pic when probability is there's nothing pervy about it,I think it's just natural for people of any sex to be curious and a bit nosey of a family members new partner.
Definite overreacting by the Son though!

I’d be the same. If I see a group photo of teen DS and friends I ask who’s who. I was looking at photos of a friend’s DD’s new boyfriend recently…my friend was showing me the pics. Sounds normal unless DH has form for being lecherous? Also normal to ask what someone does.

Quite.
One of my adult dc (lives away from home) does a monthly dump of photos on Instagram. When I see them, I ask "Who is that on the 3rd photo?" "Who are the girls on photo 7?" "Which is Alex?" etc etc, as it's nice to be interested in their lives and I find it much easier to remember people once I can visualise them.

My adult Godson has just told me he's been seeing someone for 3 months or so and I asked to see a picture of her too. Does that make me a perve too ? Or just a person who loves my Godson and is interested in people he tells me about ? I think I probably asked what she did for a job, too. The shock and horror of it.