To pull DS from his school

FoxyDash · 2026-01-11T23:30:52+00:00

I have boy girl twins aged 14. DS has no diagnosis but he is really struggling behaviour wise at school. He is in trouble pretty much every day and has had multiple isolations this term. It feels like everything is punishment and nothing is support. DD does not have any lessons with him but she constantly hears people telling her that her brother [name redacted] has done this or that. She comes home upset and embarrassed even though she has done nothing wrong. I am starting to worry it is affecting her education and confidence. School just say they are following policy and his behaviour is unacceptable. There seems to be no plan beyond sanctions and phone calls home. I feel completely stuck and let down by them. Would it be advisable to move him to another school or could that make things worse.

roseymoira · 11/01/2026 23:39

How are you addressing the poor behaviour?

Hoardasurass · 11/01/2026 23:43

It depends on what sort of behaviour is he being punished for?

Imanautumn · 11/01/2026 23:46

It’s obviously not working there, what are his thoughts and what would be your alternative?

IslaNotFisher · 11/01/2026 23:46

This is too vague for anyone to give solid advice. What exactly is your son doing at school? No point in moving schools if his behaviour continues to wreak havoc...

LighthouseLED · 11/01/2026 23:47

No advice, but have you got your son’s actual name in your post? Might be worth editing / getting MNHQ to edit if so.

Createausername1970 · 11/01/2026 23:51

Depends on why it is happening.

If he is doing it deliberately just to annoy, then you need to be dealing with the behaviour as well, not just leaving it to the school.

If he is out of his depth, not coping with the environment or the work he is being given then that's different and needs a different approach, which could include changing schools or even home schooling for a couple of terms to allow everyone to re-set.

I took my adopted ND DS out of the school system in Y8 as he could not cope and his behaviour was reflecting that.

BUT I was still very clear that his personal circumstances were an "explanation" as to why his behaviour was deteriorating, it was not an "excuse". I did make it clear to him that it was unacceptable and there were consequences at home if I felt it was appropriate.

ShamrockShenanigans · 11/01/2026 23:52

Agree with a PP in that the information is too vague.

And what hasn't he been diagnosed with?

BertieBotts · 11/01/2026 23:53

Hasn't this term been about a week or are you somewhere else?

If he's in trouble every day has that built up over time, or has it come suddenly out of nowhere?

I don't see how pulling him out of school will help - what's your long term plan? Have school even asked for a meeting?

You say no diagnosis so do you suspect something that could be diagnosed?

Moving him to another school won't help, unless 1. his behaviour is being caused by the school, 2. you know what needs he has which are not being met by this school and 3. you can identify a different school/option which will meet said needs better.

Original poster

FoxyDash · 12/01/2026 00:17

Hoardasurass · 11/01/2026 23:43

It depends on what sort of behaviour is he being punished for?

Some posters have asked what his actual behaviour is so I will try to explain a bit better. It is a mix of low level and more serious stuff. The low level things are walking out of lessons, refusing to do work, arguing back and just not engaging when he is told to do something.

The other day he refused to get changed for PE because it was too cold in the changing rooms, his words, and that was an instant isolation with no discussion. Things like that seem to escalate very quickly at school.

There have also been higher level incidents. He has been involved in fights. He has thrown objects in class when angry and recently ripped up a library book in frustration.

I mentioned he has no diagnosis because I know that is usually the first question on here. I genuinely do not suspect ASD ADHD etc and neither does school. He has never shown any signs before secondary and was fine in primary.

It just feels like he is labelled now and everything he does is seen through that lens, while DD has to listen to people constantly telling her what her brother has done. That is the bit I am struggling with most.

OP posts:

Onbdy · 12/01/2026 00:35

FoxyDash · 12/01/2026 00:17

Some posters have asked what his actual behaviour is so I will try to explain a bit better. It is a mix of low level and more serious stuff. The low level things are walking out of lessons, refusing to do work, arguing back and just not engaging when he is told to do something.

The other day he refused to get changed for PE because it was too cold in the changing rooms, his words, and that was an instant isolation with no discussion. Things like that seem to escalate very quickly at school.

There have also been higher level incidents. He has been involved in fights. He has thrown objects in class when angry and recently ripped up a library book in frustration.

I mentioned he has no diagnosis because I know that is usually the first question on here. I genuinely do not suspect ASD ADHD etc and neither does school. He has never shown any signs before secondary and was fine in primary.

It just feels like he is labelled now and everything he does is seen through that lens, while DD has to listen to people constantly telling her what her brother has done. That is the bit I am struggling with most.

Show quote history

Eh? This is the most bizarre response to poor behaviour I’ve seen on her. Why are you focusing more on your DD here where you should be dealing with your DS’ behaviour? Surely if you sort that out then DD won’t have to be hearing about her brother’s behaviour constantly?
If you don’t suspect any SEN then you really need to be managing this better.

1willgetthere · 12/01/2026 00:35

Im surprised that your dd being unhappy with people telling her what he has done is what you are struggling with most. She needs to just role her eyes and get on with her day.

Is your son struggling with the school work? Is this why he is walking out of class/throwing things out of frustration? I would have a meeting with school and ask if they have a 'hub' thats what my sons school called it, where children removed from class go but also my son (and im sure others that need it ) who has Adhd and asd has a pass and if he feels himself getting worked up he can use his pass and go to the hub to calm himself so he isn't then getting in trouble , as he behaviour can escalate if he cant remove him self when needed.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 12/01/2026 00:38

How would an objective observer consider your DS’s behaviour? Sounds bad to me, regardless of any back story.

What are you doing to manage his behaviour? Moving schools will likely just move the problem.

BrentfordForever · 12/01/2026 00:40

So, he’s ripped books off, stormed off the classes, involved in fights , being super defiant.. and schools response to ADHD questionnaire is “Nah”

that’s where you should be pissed off with school ..

Squiggles23 · 12/01/2026 00:42

Is the school an academy type? If it's one with a super strict regime he may benefit from somewhere he can be more relaxed and not feel in an eternal battle.

What's he like at home?

noblegiraffe · 12/01/2026 00:44

The low level things are walking out of lessons, refusing to do work, arguing back and just not engaging when he is told to do something.

These are not low level things. Low level things are like chatting when you are meant to be working or calling out answers.

Truancy and defiance are serious and deserve instant isolations.

FlunckedNYresolution · 12/01/2026 00:46

FoxyDash · 12/01/2026 00:17

Some posters have asked what his actual behaviour is so I will try to explain a bit better. It is a mix of low level and more serious stuff. The low level things are walking out of lessons, refusing to do work, arguing back and just not engaging when he is told to do something.

The other day he refused to get changed for PE because it was too cold in the changing rooms, his words, and that was an instant isolation with no discussion. Things like that seem to escalate very quickly at school.

There have also been higher level incidents. He has been involved in fights. He has thrown objects in class when angry and recently ripped up a library book in frustration.

I mentioned he has no diagnosis because I know that is usually the first question on here. I genuinely do not suspect ASD ADHD etc and neither does school. He has never shown any signs before secondary and was fine in primary.

It just feels like he is labelled now and everything he does is seen through that lens, while DD has to listen to people constantly telling her what her brother has done. That is the bit I am struggling with most.

Show quote history

Yes I agree it is awful for your daughter. She can’t relax when there and it’s terribly embarrassing for her. She can’t laugh or be shocked along with the other kids when they’re telling her, due to her loyalty to her brother. She’s being put in a difficult and uncomfortable position.

Have you tried explaining this to your DS? Maybe, if he knew how much his behaviour is affecting his sister, he’ll toe the line?

Original poster

FoxyDash · 12/01/2026 00:56

I know he isn't perfect but some of the punishments are OTT especially the isolation for not getting changed and he has no incentives to behave. Again I'm not defending him, he isn't much better at home esp after school where he's in an awful mood and takes it out on the rest of us and he's started to refuse to get up for school so it's becoming a battle. He said his stomach hurt on Friday morning but I sent him anyway and I later got a call saying he’d been sick, so he was in a mood with me for sending him esp as he threw up in the corridor so in front of his year and that means they're going to laugh at him (apparently). He was unwell on Friday but he's been fine yesterday and today until this evening when he said he didn't feel well again but I don't know if hes pulling a fast one

I've spoken to him about his behaviour and asked him why but he doesn't care

It isn't my parenting, I have an older DD and she isn't like this nor is his twin. Im just exhausted

OP posts:

Hana8 · 12/01/2026 02:36

BrentfordForever · 12/01/2026 00:40

So, he’s ripped books off, stormed off the classes, involved in fights , being super defiant.. and schools response to ADHD questionnaire is “Nah”

that’s where you should be pissed off with school ..

Surely misbehaviour doesn't have to mean ADHD?

Nearlyneverready · 12/01/2026 02:43

noblegiraffe · 12/01/2026 00:44

The low level things are walking out of lessons, refusing to do work, arguing back and just not engaging when he is told to do something.

These are not low level things. Low level things are like chatting when you are meant to be working or calling out answers.

Truancy and defiance are serious and deserve instant isolations.

This ⬆️

Meadowfinch · 12/01/2026 02:49

Onbdy · 12/01/2026 00:35

Eh? This is the most bizarre response to poor behaviour I’ve seen on her. Why are you focusing more on your DD here where you should be dealing with your DS’ behaviour? Surely if you sort that out then DD won’t have to be hearing about her brother’s behaviour constantly?
If you don’t suspect any SEN then you really need to be managing this better.

Show quote history

This. Your dd needs to just roll her eyes and get over it. Having embarrassing parents or an embarrassing sibling is part of life.

You should be focused on your ds. Talk to him. He is old enough to know what he wants. Can he tell you why? Does he want to be away from a super bright hard working sister? It's time to work closely with your ds before he gets any closer to his gcses.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 12/01/2026 04:43

There has to be something deeper to cause this consistent unwanted behaviour. The boy is acting out, not acting up. He needs help, not punishment

Celestialmoods · 12/01/2026 04:51

FoxyDash · 12/01/2026 00:56

I know he isn't perfect but some of the punishments are OTT especially the isolation for not getting changed and he has no incentives to behave. Again I'm not defending him, he isn't much better at home esp after school where he's in an awful mood and takes it out on the rest of us and he's started to refuse to get up for school so it's becoming a battle. He said his stomach hurt on Friday morning but I sent him anyway and I later got a call saying he’d been sick, so he was in a mood with me for sending him esp as he threw up in the corridor so in front of his year and that means they're going to laugh at him (apparently). He was unwell on Friday but he's been fine yesterday and today until this evening when he said he didn't feel well again but I don't know if hes pulling a fast one

I've spoken to him about his behaviour and asked him why but he doesn't care

It isn't my parenting, I have an older DD and she isn't like this nor is his twin. Im just exhausted

The school will have lots of thriving, well behaved children, so by your logic, it can’t be the schools fault.

Your son clearly needs a different approach to your other children.

isolation for refusing to engage in a lesson is not too harsh.

TheHumanRepresentative · 12/01/2026 05:03

Isolation for that doesn't sound OTT at all. You need to focus on your son's behaviour here, not your daughter. She can just ignore it and roll her eyes.

Mum29338 · 12/01/2026 05:05

What support would be helpful for your DS? Can you work with the school on this? If not then you could potentially speak to other schools about how they manage behaviour and if they would be a better fit - especially schools that are better able to recognise SEN. But I wouldn’t pull him completely without figuring out where he goes next.

Kipepeo · 12/01/2026 05:13

You call low level walking out of lessons?