To pull DS from his school

[FoxyDash]

I have boy girl twins aged 14.

DS has no diagnosis but he is really struggling behaviour wise at school.

He is in trouble pretty much every day and has had multiple isolations this term.

It feels like everything is punishment and nothing is support.

DD does not have any lessons with him but she constantly hears people telling her that her brother [name redacted] has done this or that.

She comes home upset and embarrassed even though she has done nothing wrong.

I am starting to worry it is affecting her education and confidence.

School just say they are following policy and his behaviour is unacceptable.

There seems to be no plan beyond sanctions and phone calls home.

I feel completely stuck and let down by them.

Would it be advisable to move him to another school or could that make things worse.

I’d be so frustrated if I was the parent of a child in his class. My child’s education being disrupted endlessly because of this child.

Consequences aren't working, though. Something is wrong.

@FoxyDash He's not been referred to camhs, no. I'm just at a loss with what to do because his behaviour seems constant.

YOU can contact Camhs. And ask for a meeting with school as well. Your boy clearly needs help and you as a single parent are overwhelmed which is understandable. But you need to reach out for help- get into the driver's seat and don't just stand by the side watching your son going under. He needs to be able to talk to someone "outside"; therapist/counsellor. My DS tells me that it's like he can breathe more easily each time he has had a session with his psychologist. And he doesn't have any behavioural problems and we are very very close but still it's important to have a space where you can feel that your feelings are validated, you aren't judged and you can say what you want without fear to hurt anyone's feelings.

This wouldn't happen in our secondary. Meetings would have been held with the parents to try to get to the bottom of his behaviour. Counsellor would have been called in. It doesn't seem as there is any pastoral team at OP's son's school so OP need to be proactive and contact school for a meeting and contact cahms herself. Everybody needs to be onboard to help her DS.

All behaviour has a reason.

I don’t think the school are being unreasonable with their sanctions. The rest of the children need an education too. Your son’s behaviour is unacceptable and needs to change so that he can access education.

I do think this bit about sleep is interesting. While teenagers do have high sleep needs, this kind of exhausted/disturbed pattern you describe is actually common among neurodivergent people. I really do think it would be worth getting an assessment. You might not get a diagnosis, but strategies might come out of it.

I agree with several pps who are saying he needs positivity in his life. Something to motivate him and work towards. It must be hard for him dealing with his current injury. In that, he has lost something he likes doing. Does he have forward plans and aspirations? How does he see good live in the future? Do you and he have time to talk to each other in calm headspace?

As said I cant afford private and private is likely to get a diagnosis even though there is no diagnosis to give, its like paying for a diagnosis. I'm not dismissing people who have for their DC but that's when they've suspected it and there's clear signs. Not everything is SEN.

I have tried to speak to him, multiple times but he doesn't say much. It usually ends in him shouting and saying he doesn't care even when I try to be calm

private is likely to get a diagnosis even though there is no diagnosis to give, its like paying for a diagnosis.

Oh dear

Wow. Your comment on private diagnosis is not acceptable. It seems like you are now lashing out. It's fine to say you don't have the money for a private assessment, but you do not have experience to state this.

Your son
-has parents who have split up
-doesn't have a close relationship with his dad

• is constantly compared to twin sister who is academically doing better (higher sets)
• has a knee injury needing surgery. That has affected his day to day life ,his hobby and potentially pain, I assume.

That is a lot for someone to deal with.

I don't really understand your post, you ask for advice and then make excuses: Your other two daughters aren't like this, private diagnosis is fake, nhs diagnosis will take too long (finding out at 18 if it is or isn't would be useful to HIM and his adult life).

You haven't actually answered people who ahve said does your son want to move schools? A really, really important question.

Instead you prioritise yours and your daughters embarrassment.

I know it is hard having a child making decisions abd you can onviously want him tk do things different. Normal and understandable. However coming dor advice, being defensive, and wanting a quick fix- it isn't going tk work.

You've had great advice. Action it.

If I am honest, from. Reading your post, if your son can sense your feelings like I do here... that's just another thing tk add to the list as to why he is acting the way he is!

His excuse was he was trying to reach for his pen

He wasn't reaching for his pen. Kids don't randomly fall off their chair in the middle of a silent exam because they were reaching for a pen.

It seems entirely beyond you to

1. take his behaviour seriously
2. have any curiosity as to what lies behind it

Has the school got a counsellor you can ask to see him, or a pastoral lead to talk to him about it?

you should make more of an effort in every way.
speak to school
dont let him fall asleep when he gets home
self refer to camhs

Well then find something he does care about and remove that privilege every time he misbehaves at school. He needs consequence. It’s not rocket science! What do you think the rest of us do/ did?

This is what I came to ask. OP it seems like you are abdicating your parental responsibilities to the school.

I think it’s because MN trends middle class and so every misbehaving child must have a diagnosis of “something”.

They cannot simply be an unruly child.

It seems to me that he's sick of being compared to his golden child sister so he's acting out to get attention in other ways.

I honestly can't believe you're considering moving his school for the benefit of his sister.

Well, do you think he should be forced to do things like get changed for PE, "engage", and not "argue back", or not?

If that's not what you want for your son, obviously you should be taking him out and home educating, unless for some reason he's saying he really wants to go to school?

bull shit you can't afford it you make it a priority you speak to his father and grandparents and yes you get the money together.
the PSYCHOLOGIST is not able to diagnose so there will be NO labelling they well test him and find out WHY he is behaving the way he is and offer suggestions.

It's not “bullshit” not everyone has money to spare, even if it is a priority. Not everyone has grandparents that are alive or even if they were, able to give money. It's just me no family support. At Christmas I could only afford one present for DS which was trainers he asked for, and he did need trainers. I could've either got him trainers he didn't ask for and little extras that he also asked for or just the one present. I went with one present, DD looked like she had more as her presents were smaller, but they were the same amount but DS asked “this it” without even looking at his present, he just saw he had the one thing. And was in a mood the rest of the day.

I don't think he should get forced to get changed for PE when he isn't even doing it, I've not told him this but I did ask school if he could go to the library during PE lessons (staffed so he wouldn't be on his own) and do homework or something more productive than sitting on the side. They said no as he needed to be with his class. It's not just a one off as he can't do PE for the foreseeable as he cant run esp as they're doing things like football/basketball/rounders etc. There's nothing he can really join in with and that's medical advice as while he's fine day to day and isn't in pain, he would be if he attempted to run or overdid it. It also would likely cause more damage.

He's not compared to my DD, someone asked about the sets and I said. Its not like I constantly tell him DD is in a higher set than him.

I already do take his phone etc when he misbehaves, he doesn't like it and does kick off but doesn't seem to care enough to behave. I also can't stop him falling asleep when he gets home, he isn't a toddler.

Have the school suggested anything they can do around behaviour support, counselling etc?

I'd really encourage you to speak to thr pastoral team about what options there are.

Has his behaviour gotten worse since the knee issue?

Are you certain he's sleeping ok and not getting out of the house at night? I know that might sound like an arsey/stupid question but I work in student welfare and the amount of it times kids manage to sneak out without parents realising is insane.

Are you able to check what he's accessing on his phone?

So if you had the money, you would pursue a private assessment?

are you not at least willing to get him on the waiting list @FoxyDash ?

He needs help! Who cares whether he's ND or NT right now? That's for professionnals to take into consideration. Say he's NT- he still needs to see a therapist/counsellor because he is NOT OK or he wouldn't be selfdestructive.

Still sounds like the girls get preferential treatment.

you can enlist him to help you, in the evening or play games with him, read with him,

You can’t possibly have read the thread

No, the school haven't offered anything, we haven't bad any meetings since the end of last academic year. It's just phone calls and negative points which I see on the app.

It's hard to answer if his behaviour has gotten worse since the injury, because it was already bad prior to it. It was in May last year he originally did it which was originally put down to a sprain but then he has X-rays etc because it wasn't any better and it was something to do with the ligaments, he isn't in any pain now unless he over does it etc but he does need surgery or it'll cause further damage. His behaviour has got worse since may but unsure if it's linked to the injury. His dad was the one to take him to rugby and doesn't really see him now because his dad has said he doesn't know what to do with him.

How do my DD’s get preferential treatment? For one my eldest doesn't even live with us she has her own life.

I don’t think anyone in this family receives “preferential treatment”. Sounds like a very unhappy place to be for everyone