To insist on moving DH and the DC to New York?

[TheCoralBear]

Me, DH and our DC (11 year old DS and 14 year old DD) were all born in the UK and live in London. I’ve performed in musical theatre (and I work as an usher in a theatre when I’m not performing) my whole life and it’s all I’ve ever known. Usually I perform in west end musicals here in the UK however I’ve now been offered a role on Broadway which would obviously involve moving to New York. I want to accept the role and move us all to New York but DH and the DC are dead set against it and won’t even consider it. I really don’t want to turn down the Broadway role as it’s an excellent opportunity for my career. DH are the DC are refusing to even consider moving though. DH has even suggested I go to New York alone and he stays here with the children but I’m not going to just abandon my children like that so that’s why I’ve suggested we all move to New York but DH and DC keep insisting that they don’t want to go. Would I be unreasonable to insist that we are all going to New York and that’s the end of it? DH says he doesn’t care if it’s an excellent opportunity for my career but he is not considering moving to New York, he is dead set against it.

My guess is he didn’t think you’d be offered the part but didn’t want to say he didn’t want to go as would have seem
ed. unsupportive.
You can’t insist that they move, you either have to stay or go alone and make trips back.
My older children are similar in age to yours and I wouldn’t move them to a completely different country at their ages, when they were smaller they would have adjusted better but they are now at the ages where they will find it extremely difficult.
You would feel awful turning their lives upside down and the show folding before the 18 months if they went with you.
Im assuming all their extended family are fairly local to where they are and they see them, it’s a massive ask for them.
I wouldn’t follow my DH to New York for an 18month contract where there is no guarantee that I could walk into a job myself and my children were adamant they didn’t want to go, America just isn’t a place I could see myself living happily.

He’s allowed to change his mind. It happens.
When was the audition process?

The world is changing all the time but the USA feels especially turbulent and risky.

Congratulations! As the mother of a DD who aspires to fo what you are doing, I understand where you are coming from. It’s a huge opportunity….. for you. What are their reasons for not wanting to go?

Hang o if your eldest is 14 you are ethinking about moving her for year 10 first year of GCSEs? If she misses the start of the GCSE syllabus and then you come back midway she is pretty fucked. It will be tricky without GCSEs if she wants to come back to UK for jobs or uni. I think it's cruel to move a kid at that age, especially as no guarantee it for the rest of her secondary education. My parents moved when I was 13, but to somewhere that did GCSEs, still hard at that age. Imo secondary is the cutoff.

How often can you take holiday in the contract? If I were you I would go, do lots of video calls and use the money saved on renting a one bed apartment instead of a 3/4 bed place to fly back every 5/6 weeks, if that's possible. And they can come out in school holidays.

We lived in New York for a while when DS was a preschooler. The deal was short term professorial contract for DH, health care, education, accommodation and spousal packages. I don't think it would have been esp attractive without all that.

Obama got elected while we were there, so quite different times.

I'm not sure I'd go now except for a short visit

He probably said that as he wanted to be supportive but deep down he maybe thought you wouldn't get the part. Unless you are wealthy (very) I think its madness to uproot your family to move to New York. The absolute chaos this will cause in everyone's lives just so you can be on Broadway is beyond selfish. I'd say the same if it was the husband who wanted to do this. Sheer madness.

Aw best of luck to your daughter, feel free to PM me if you want any advice.

Their reasons for not wanting to move are literally just that they don’t want to go and that they want to stay in the UK, they haven’t given any other detailed reasons and that is part of the issue in my opinion. They are now just dead set against it and refusing to consider it at all.

Sounds like the trip of a lifetime, I think you should go

You should read your post yourself from an outsider point of view. You sound nuts. Your a parent and that comes with making sacrifices

People are allowed to change their minds when something that seems like a pipe dream suddenly could be a reality. It’s only an 18mo contract. I’d take the role and build in a budget and time off to fly back to London to visit DH and the kids. And times to fly then out on school holidays and to see you perform.

It’s not that far away. Get over the mum guilt. You’re not abandoning anyone.

Also, does @TheCoralBear own her current home, or rent it? If the former, what would they do with it while they're away? Renting it out is a dangerous game at the moment, so she should factor in paying the mortgage in the event a tenant doesn't pay.

This can go on for months and be very costly.

Leaving it empty is difficult too as insurance would be tricky.

But they don’t need to. They don’t need to give reasons other than they don’t want to because frankly not wanting to uproot their lives at the ages they are is fair enough.

You have two choices work out how just you going will work or you don’t go

I don’t think he’s changed his mind, I think he thought it was very unlikely to be something he’d need to seriously consider and therefore opted to kick the can down the road in hopes this argument would never be needed. which - to be perfectly honest - I can completely understand, especially given how strident you seem to be about this.

But that isn’t the point, and it isn’t what you asked.

Yes, you are being monstrously unreasonable to even try to insist on uprooting 3 people and moving them to New York when they have very, very clearly told you they do not want to go. It’s so spectacularly selfish of you.

Take the role! If you don’t, I fear you will resent your family. How often will you get breaks to fly home and could your family come out to you during the half terms/summer holidays? Technology is great these days so you can keep in touch with them daily via video calls etc. I wouldn’t be moving my family to NY for 18 months+ especially as the children are teenagers so at important stages at school. Good luck

I think it’s crazy for them to not try something new and very selfish.

congrats on the role!
is there a middle ground where you go now, kids finish the school year and then plan to join in Sept? They can spend the summer over there - get the lay of the land etc?

Given the risks like canceling the show, would it make sense for you to go alone at first, and after you establish yourself there, think about how to make it work long-term term?

You should go! They shouldn't have to. DH can be the default parent. He seems willing and is presumably able.

I'm with them. Not a chance I'd go.

There's absolutely no way on Earth I would want my DC to be at school in New York.

And I assume your 14 year old has started their GCSE years. It just seems cruel removing them from our education system at that age to me

This is your dream, not theirs. You're expecting to upend their lives, move to a rapidly changing society where people really do live in fear, all for a role that might- just might- last a year and a half. It's not fair on them. But I do understand your urge to go.

YAB completely U
The language is also very telling “should I move my DH” - you do realise he’s not your property and you can’t physically move him to another country against his will?

🙄

An actor who has to work as an usher between jobs has been offered a role on Broadway for 18 months, on a contract which is lucrative enough to keep a family of 4 living in New York, with full private health insurance too? Riiiigghhht...

I would go in a heartbeat and so would my family - what a fabulous adventure.

I have lived in New York before, I'd dearly love to do it again - but not right now, no way. I think the only realistic solution is for you to go alone, and the family join you in school holidays.

It's really unlikely that your DH would get a working visa, so you'd all be trying to exist on one salary. That's not much fun.