To insist on moving DH and the DC to New York?

[TheCoralBear]

Me, DH and our DC (11 year old DS and 14 year old DD) were all born in the UK and live in London. I’ve performed in musical theatre (and I work as an usher in a theatre when I’m not performing) my whole life and it’s all I’ve ever known. Usually I perform in west end musicals here in the UK however I’ve now been offered a role on Broadway which would obviously involve moving to New York. I want to accept the role and move us all to New York but DH and the DC are dead set against it and won’t even consider it. I really don’t want to turn down the Broadway role as it’s an excellent opportunity for my career. DH are the DC are refusing to even consider moving though. DH has even suggested I go to New York alone and he stays here with the children but I’m not going to just abandon my children like that so that’s why I’ve suggested we all move to New York but DH and DC keep insisting that they don’t want to go. Would I be unreasonable to insist that we are all going to New York and that’s the end of it? DH says he doesn’t care if it’s an excellent opportunity for my career but he is not considering moving to New York, he is dead set against it.

You’d be horribly selfish to insist your family drop their whole lives to satisfy a career prospect, especially considering to a place like the USA. You could not pay me any amount to move my children somewhere so dangerous in so many ways. And especially with a 14 year old girl? What are you thinking?
If you have to do this, you do it, but leave your family at home. ‘Abandoning’ them is not the worst option here- forcing them to move there is.

I don’t financially have to work as an usher between contracts, we could go without that money but I choose to work as an usher between contracts because I enjoy it!

have you considered how much this will screw up your 14 year old's education? I mean, completely mess things around. The USA system is completely different and if she comes back in 18 months she won't just be able to join a GCSE class. So they she will struggle to find a good option for A-levels too.

it is also v hard on teenagers to move at that age, and can have a major impact on a teen's mental health if they are forced to move and don't find it easy to fit in. the culture in American schools is v different to the UK and it is not going to be an easy move for the kids.

there is no way I'd move my teens for an 18 month job because the impact on them is too awful.

why can't you go to NY on your own and let the family come visit you for every school holiday?

Surley it will only be for 6 months/ a year max,what is the point in uprooting everyone, just go on your own,enjoy it for the time it is and come home, theyll cope at home without you

Anyone old enough to have a 14 year old who is not already famous isn’t getting offered roles in Broadway musicals.

And there is no way on earth they are being paid enough to support a family in New York.

interested

Your DH won’t even be able to work on your visa as a dependent so are you envisioning they will get instant work in the US too with a visa?

Wow - you are happy to be selfish and cart your entourage family across the world for you, but not "selfish" enough to go alone??

I’m sorry OP. That’s rubbish for you when it’s your dream. Your DH shouldn’t have changed his mind really, but you can’t force them to go. I think you should go and see what happens. You might resent them forever if you don’t.

I feel let down by DH because before the audition and during the audition process he seemed genuinely excited and was saying he wanted to move and now that I’ve been offered the role he just suddenly won’t consider it whatsoever. I wish he had said that he didn’t want to move before the audition process!

You’re being very unreasonable. One of the things that happens when you have kids is that your primary desires (eg career advancement) involve negotiation or compromise. DH staying with kids and you going is a decent compromise. He’s not saying you can’t do it (which would be unreasonable of him). But you can’t expect to upend everyone’s lives just for you.

I also agree with others in the thread saying taking children into the US is absolute madness just now.

I agree you’ll regret not doing the show. I think you should do it for an agreed fixed term period and build in holiday visits. Could they come over for the whole summer hols?

but check on visas - it’s really not that easy to get in now. If you have teens, they are now talking about doing social media checks on every visitor and repatriating or imprisoning those that breach a bunch of arbitrary and changeable rules. If you’ve got a teen who has ever slagged off Trump on social it’s really not worth the risk!

This. The impact on your family would be huge and likely not in a positive way. Go and follow your dreams, OP. But accept your dreams are very different to that of your DH and kids.

"Would I be unreasonable to insist that we are all going to New York and that’s the end of it?"

You know you would be unreasonable to try to insist. You cannot actually insist. They have lives too, and it's a shit point in their lives to move to a different education system.

I live near Manhattan and go to Broadway shows often. Many of them close early as they are extortionately expensive to put on and it's very hard for them to break even. I wouldn't move my DH and children of those ages for such a precarious career unfortunately. It's also incredibly expensive to live here and I'm not clear on whether your husband would even be allowed to work. Schools can be great but they are very variable and you have to live in an expensive area to get a good one.

Would you be unreasonable to insist that you are all going to New York against everyone’s wishes and that’s the end of it?

Yes you lunatic

What was the last musical you played in West End?

Ok that’s bad of him. It suggests he assumed you just wouldn’t get it too? Which is patronising. You have every right to be furious about the way he has treated you. But I think he is also well within his rights to say no. Nothing on earth could convince me to go there right now, let alone my kids

It isn’t fair that your DH said that he’d be open to it and then refused, however he is allowed to change his mind and also a hypothetical is very different to reality.

Looking at the time frames that have been discussed, specifically with 18 months the initial term, you need to really think about your eldest child’s GCSE’s and the impact that it would have on those if you were to somehow make them all move.

If you don’t mind travelling, then I would suggest taking the role and coming back for visits. As suggested before, the show might close early and if it doesn’t then you can revisit your discussion with your husband.

Following your dream is not abandoning your family.

Given he was in agreement for you to audition and move if you got the job, changing his mind now is really unfair. I think he has to honour his agreement myself. However, you presumably can’t force him and your kids to go. Some more talking is needed here, to see if any kind of compromise is possible. He’s being very unfair imo, and I really hope you work something out op.

OP whatever you do, don't, repeat DON'T force this move on your children if they're unwilling.

In my line of work (academia) people often have to move far and wide - not necessarily to follow their dreams, just to stay in their chosen field of research at all.

I've seen the toll it can take on children's mental health and relationships within the family. There is a myth that 'children are resilient, they'll adapt'. Many do, but you can't count on it. And if they don't, consequences can be dire.

Interesting one. Im on your team- what an amazing experience for you- but NY would be an incredible experience for everyone- even if it was only temporary there would be so much for DH and two early teens to enjoy and learn from. Amazing life experiences to share and look back on forever. Friendships and a special connection to a new place that they could cherish a lifetime.

Also congratulations- I imagine getting a chance to be in broadway is the kind of opportunity many many people would love and never get to enjoy. Fantastic achievement.

Caveat- moving early teens is a bit dangerous- I moved continents as an 11 year old myself (im a male also- weirdly getting into mumsnet because of my own personal issues.) I would say for myself it was touch and go at 11 but worked out well for me. I am surprised it's your son who is against it but I feel a fourteen year old girl is a bit vulnerable if forced to move socially at a critical time.

You know your situation better than anyone else- but NY flights aren't the most expensive and perhaps you couldy reach a compromise. It would be sad if your family didn't get to enjoy at least part of the adventure with you, but maybe it can be managed in a way that doesn't disrupt them too much.

Realistically how sensible is it to move a 14 year old to New York for 18 months? It’s not. That should be enough reason for your child to stay here. Unless you can pay for an international school which does GCSE it will be a real problem when you come back

Quite right. I know a lot of people who work on the west end and actors that are “successful” (employed even just 6 months of the year) are not working as ushers.

You are not being unreasonable to want to go, but Yabu to insist that it has to be with them.
Your - I don’t want to be without them - is not showing love. It is showing self interest.
If you want to follow your dreams this is the compromise - a long distance relationship for 18m. Only you can decide it is worth it.

97% of people think Yabu to expect them to go with you - do you now accept this?

You didn't answer any of the questions about your children's uprooting and education. Nor any about how long would take your DH to get ViSA and find work. You avoid these questions on purpose? Maybe if you gave us more information the range of advice would be wider.