To insist on moving DH and the DC to New York?

[TheCoralBear]

Me, DH and our DC (11 year old DS and 14 year old DD) were all born in the UK and live in London. I’ve performed in musical theatre (and I work as an usher in a theatre when I’m not performing) my whole life and it’s all I’ve ever known. Usually I perform in west end musicals here in the UK however I’ve now been offered a role on Broadway which would obviously involve moving to New York. I want to accept the role and move us all to New York but DH and the DC are dead set against it and won’t even consider it. I really don’t want to turn down the Broadway role as it’s an excellent opportunity for my career. DH are the DC are refusing to even consider moving though. DH has even suggested I go to New York alone and he stays here with the children but I’m not going to just abandon my children like that so that’s why I’ve suggested we all move to New York but DH and DC keep insisting that they don’t want to go. Would I be unreasonable to insist that we are all going to New York and that’s the end of it? DH says he doesn’t care if it’s an excellent opportunity for my career but he is not considering moving to New York, he is dead set against it.

This is your dreams, not theirs.

You go and experience your dream, maybe give it a fixed period of time, but there is not a chance in hell I’d be moving my DC to the US with the orange one in charge there.

How can you 'insist on moving them?' DH is an independent adult and he won't go. You might push the 11 year old into it but possibly not the 14 year old who will be starting her GCSE syllabus, apart from anything else.
Presumably the show won't run for years and years, so you have the option of going to NY for a limited period, keeping in touch with your family daily and arranging visits as often as possible. Not ideal, but if you feel you really need to do it, you should. But don't try to coerce or force your children to go with you - that's worse than abandoning them.

But also I should have said, you can't insist. They don't want to go, so this might be a journey you take on your own.

Yeah. We’ve got better real stories here in the north-east without the made up ones!

Do you remember the Tuxedo Princess? Those were the days.

Your children don’t want to go. It would be very selfish to force them to start over again in new schools with new systems against their will just so that you can have the temporary job you want.

Follow your dream. But you can’t insist your DH and DC come too. It would be major disruption. Your youngest is either Y6 or Y7 which is a tricky age to change education systems for what is likely to be less than a year. Likewise, your 14yo is approaching GCSEs and can ill afford to have this disruption. Does your DH work? What do you anticipate he’d be able to do job wise?

Are you famous @TheCoralBear ?

Sure, insist they all uproot their lives. Go wild.

It would be incredibly unfair to move your 14 year old when she's just starting GCSEs.

1/10 on the believable scale

That’s my issue. When I was going through the audition process he said he was excited about it and that he wanted to move and now I’ve been offered the role he’s suddenly dead set against it and won’t consider it.

Jesus wept, there's no way on earth I'd even visit NYC at the moment let alone move there for 18 months. Have you been reading the news OP?

you are SO successful you need to work as an usher yet you can afford to live in NYC

Moving abroad for a job opportunity, whatever that job is, both spouses have to be in agreement it’s the best thing for your family. I wouldn’t include the DC in the discussion at all at this stage. We’ve moved for DH’s job before but it was discussed and I had to be on board. If he came home ‘insisting’ then frankly I’d be ‘insisting’ on a divorce.

Separately, NYC is bloody expensive. I’ve refused to move there before because even on what seems like a good salary on paper the lifestyle we were looking at would be a downgrade. And I’m not anti America- spent many happy years in Chicago! But how the hell do you plan on supporting a family in NY including health insurance which is a must there on a broadway performer’s wage? DH even if he were fully on board would presumably have to be in situ with a visa that allows work and school/childcare sorted before he could even start applying for jobs (it took me 6 months) so you’d have to be able to make it work on your earnings.

Your DD is 14 - So presumably year 9 or year 10 in secondary school. It's an awkward time to be relocating (even if she wanted to go) with GCSE's on the horizon and adapting to a new country and a completely different education system

If you want this job - you need to seriously consider moving to New York on your own.

3 vs 1 I’m afraid. Anyway, I thought it was really difficult to work in America. Have you even looked into if he could work there? If it’s been a dream of yours, then you should go if DH and DC agrees. How long would it be for?

i'm not sure you've thought this one through OP

How would he have a visa to work there?

Go see how it goes
Going to work elsewhere is not abandonment. They can visit on vacations.
You can come back for breaks

Encouraging your partner's pipe dream is very different from the reality of uprooting yourself and your children to go to a country which has many problems at the moment, to put it mildly. He has a right to change his mind over something so important. You can do this, but you'll have to do it alone.

Could you go and have the family come and visit each school holiday? It’s a big deal to move kids into a different school system and I would t do it when your outlook is only 18 months.

I think it could be an amazing opportunity for you all unless DH is breadwinner and would ruin his career. Why don’t you do a family holiday in Feb half term to see? 18 months is too long to live away from your family I’m not sure if your marriage would survive that. However, how much would you see your children if they move and you’re performing every evening and weekend?

What happens if the musical closes after a couple of weeks or months (as many do)? What happens to your 18 month contract then?

You might think there are job opportunities for your DH but would he get a visa?
And no, personally would not uproot my family to the USA.
Frankly, if you are still regularly taking a job as an usher how fantastic can this offer be that you would put your DC through a school change mid teens?

You are obviously clueless about how hard it is (and how long it would take) for people to get the right kind of visa that would allow them to work as a trailing spouse in the US, even if you yourself get a special deal with Immigration as an artist (for whom some of the rules aren't quite so draconian). And what if your show folds in six weeks? How do you know it will run? He's being really generous: take your chance of a lifetime. If you end up in a "Star is Born" situation you can renegotiate it all.