To insist on moving DH and the DC to New York?

[TheCoralBear]

Me, DH and our DC (11 year old DS and 14 year old DD) were all born in the UK and live in London. I’ve performed in musical theatre (and I work as an usher in a theatre when I’m not performing) my whole life and it’s all I’ve ever known. Usually I perform in west end musicals here in the UK however I’ve now been offered a role on Broadway which would obviously involve moving to New York. I want to accept the role and move us all to New York but DH and the DC are dead set against it and won’t even consider it. I really don’t want to turn down the Broadway role as it’s an excellent opportunity for my career. DH are the DC are refusing to even consider moving though. DH has even suggested I go to New York alone and he stays here with the children but I’m not going to just abandon my children like that so that’s why I’ve suggested we all move to New York but DH and DC keep insisting that they don’t want to go. Would I be unreasonable to insist that we are all going to New York and that’s the end of it? DH says he doesn’t care if it’s an excellent opportunity for my career but he is not considering moving to New York, he is dead set against it.

Just go out and pop home like nothing happened if it doesnt work out? Where will they move back to if they’ve given up their home? Where will the kids go to school if they’ve given up their places? What if DH can’t find a job to replace the one he quit? You can’t give up your whole lives and then expect to slot back in a couple of months later.

far better she goes out first and they visit for holidays to see if they like it.

I'm American and I wouldn't move an 11 year old and 14 year old to NYC from my city in the USA. It can be a hellhole (especially if you don't have a lot of money and connections) and the educational system.is so different. I looked into this about 10 years when my husband got a job offer in London, and we decided against it bc of the kids. They would have to adjust what they were learning, how they were learning and follow a different curriculum/assessment system. And be lonely without their friends. And New Yorkers are legendary about the way they put down people from "away" (although I have heard the same about London).
NYC is very expensive and status conscious. The public (state ) schools are variable and unless you have a lot of money, knowledge and connections your kids could end up in an awful school, in a small, unpleasant apartment in a dangerous area, floundering in a different school system and hurting their chances of returning to education in the UK. Never mind losing their friends.

Go by yourself, fly back as much as possible and FaceTime. But DON'T drag your family to New York to live. They will never forgive you.

Aside from the obvious reasons that it’s a terrible idea at this point, the education system in the states will set them back very much. It’s disasterous really, that place.

I’d say either you work there, they stay here, and you travel back a lot, or don’t go at all.

His job might transfer him, schools might have space, you dont know the scenario you suggest is true, families can do brave amazing things like this together, and many do, its an amazing opportunity and worth a shot

Oh goodness - people move abroad all the time, it could be an amazing experience - no need to be so negative. You Dont have to stick to the town you were born in you know…. There's a big world out there!

But the older child, especially, is at a critical point in their schooling.

The US has a very different curriculum. They will be ahead in some subjects, behind in others (as would an American child moving to London).

The OP is only thinking of herself. There is an obvious solution where she gets to take the role and her kids’ lives aren’t disrupted, but she (selfishly) doesn’t want to consider that.

He doesn’t have a job that will transfer him. OP merely hopes he will find a job there. Despite the fact he is pretty much guaranteed not to even get a visa.

The kids aren’t in primary school where you can whip them about the world with no consequence. One is about to do GCSEs.

I don’t think you’ve thought this through (or read the full thread).

Are you on glue?

Yes, people move all the time - when they want to! The only person that wants to live in this situation is the OP. And she hasn't a clue about what's actually involved, not the legalities, not the financial, not the educational. Certainly not the practical.

You are being incredibly selfish. Why should everyone uproot their lives to move for an 18 month contract.

And to proper jobs, not for temporary contracts in a fickle industry. They also will have checked visa status and researched schools for the children, and will not want to move them during the crucial periods of their education.

Patronising much?

No-one’s saying you have to stay in your home town all your life. I left mine when I left school, and I’ve lived in many countries since. Perhaps because of that I know how much goes into a move like this and can see that OP hasn’t done the first bit of the research and planning she needs to do before dragging her unwilling family abroad and throwing away the lives they currently have.

I mean, she wasn’t even aware DH wouldn’t be able to work there - and her income won’t be nearly enough to support a family in New York alone.

All that aside the most important thing is that her family don’t want to go and it’s pretty shitty to force them to just so she can have her name in lights.

OP if DH has a criminal record for drugs, he will not be able to get a visa. Also its fucking batshit in America right now especially for immigrants. And I wouldn't take school age children there with all the bloody school shootings.

I think he's given you a great compromise, but I think you should really take your childrens wishes into consideration too. I am so sorry you are dissappointed though if you have to let this opportunity go. I really do understand as someone in a creative career where the US certainly used to be a fantasy career move for me too.

How old are your children? I’m sorry but even if it’s your dream you can’t force them to go if they don’t want to

There are tons of great places to live in the USA, as a child, and New York is not one of them.

Can they live somewhere that's within visiting distance and not in NY? Failing that, just go, you won't get the chance again. There's not a man alive who wouldn't snatch the opportunity and you should too.

This is an opportunity you will always wonder about, you have to go. But go alone
Take family for the first few weeks get you settled in.
But please you have to go, otherwise you will resent your husband

Have you missed the part where the OP states her partner has a serious history with drugs and drink. Therefore, almost certainly, would not be able to get a visa/ETSA or work there.

Ah, yes I did miss that, sorry. I guess she will have to go alone then, or forever wish she had.

What are your DC’s reasons for not wanting to go?

14 years is a v difficult age to move to a new school in a different country for numerous reasons. It’d be hard enough if your DD was excited to go. But if she’s not keen, it’d be even tougher.

Then, it’s not a long-term move. You plan to move back to UK after 18 months. So, even if your DC cope and settle well, they’ll have to move again. Would they be able to return to the same school in London or have to wait ages for a place to become available? Would they continue with their curriculum (e.g. international school) in US or be in US education system. If the latter, they’d miss two years of English school content. Not to mention the impact on friendships, which are key at those ages.

It appears v disruptive to your DC, who should surely be both your priority. Did you and your DH consider the impact on, and feelings of, your DC before you considered applying to work abroad for a lengthy period? Did you discuss it with your DC before you applied?

Maybe your DH won’t discuss reasons as he thinks it’s obvious. But he should explain himself, i.e. why he was happy for you to apply. Maybe he thought the chances of you getting the role were slim, so it wasn’t worth discouraging you. If so, probably not the best approach, given the outcome.

Wonder where @TheCoralBear got to. <hums 🎶 'Leaving On A Jet Plane'♬> Maybe she's on her way to NYC!!!

I suspect she's singing "I dreamed a dream" in the shower.

don’t know about you, but I moved countries.
it requires research and preparation and is does take emotional toll.
families that move all the time are usually in specific international career paths (either very well paid or have support like diplomatic roles), and don’t move at critical points of their kids school education

That’s a huge amount of upheaval and uncertainty

Why all the fuss about going for an audition and then having to turn the offer down? Isn't it like a job interview where you may decide afterwards that you wouldn't work there anyway, for whatever reason. It's like she's saying it would have been fine has he said before the audition that it was a no go plan but now the audition has happened we're committed. Baffling.

Have seen your updates op. This idea is half baked and the other three members of your family don’t want to go. It seems from your posts it’s your way and nothing else is on the table . You seem to think you are all going.
yes travel is an amazing opportunity but this plan is not very realistic for anyone but the jobbing actor. If you had money and your kids were younger your husband could potentially be an at home parent but he probably doesn’t want to do that and your kids don’t want to go.
shelve it and revisit this again when your kids are grown in a very short time ,