To insist on moving DH and the DC to New York?

[TheCoralBear]

Me, DH and our DC (11 year old DS and 14 year old DD) were all born in the UK and live in London. I’ve performed in musical theatre (and I work as an usher in a theatre when I’m not performing) my whole life and it’s all I’ve ever known. Usually I perform in west end musicals here in the UK however I’ve now been offered a role on Broadway which would obviously involve moving to New York. I want to accept the role and move us all to New York but DH and the DC are dead set against it and won’t even consider it. I really don’t want to turn down the Broadway role as it’s an excellent opportunity for my career. DH are the DC are refusing to even consider moving though. DH has even suggested I go to New York alone and he stays here with the children but I’m not going to just abandon my children like that so that’s why I’ve suggested we all move to New York but DH and DC keep insisting that they don’t want to go. Would I be unreasonable to insist that we are all going to New York and that’s the end of it? DH says he doesn’t care if it’s an excellent opportunity for my career but he is not considering moving to New York, he is dead set against it.

What does that have to do with what I said?

Uprooting him from his recovery networks and plonking him in NYC sounds like a surefire path to relapse.

Yes

Lots around here at least have paid FoH staff and then have some volunteer roles which are there for the community outreach reasons outlined above

The theatres are also charities who can get government funding, apply for grants (like National Lottery), ask for donations etc

It's an 18 month contract. Go without your DH and DC and see them holidays and also term time if you get a break. You will utterly stuff their education (especially the eldest) if you move them now and to do that in pursuit of your own career when you don't actually have to move them but just want to is really not in their best interest. Lots of parents do stints of working away from their families - this could be your time.

It is extremely, extremely rare for the Court to terminate PR for a parent, especially a married parent, unless it is because a child is being adopted.

And with your insight into the industry, how recognizable would OP have to be to get a broadway role that paid enough to move her family of four to live in New York for 18 months.

@TheCoralBear

I'm in the US and if your DH had his parental rights revoked by an official third party then chances are he has some sort of 'legal history'. Under the current Administration that will be enough to have a visa refused. But I'd also think that if he's straightened up his act he could petition the courts to have his rights reinstated. And I certainly would if I were him.

Just out of curiosity, let say you do manage to pull off taking your children and him staying behind. Have you researched living and childcare costs in NYC these days? Not to mention the costs of private school. If DH has had his rights revoked he certainly won't be liable to make child support payments.

I'm assuming you must have some sort of 'independent income' that will support you when you're here. Living costs for a family of 3 average $8k to $15k per month for a 'modest' 2-3 bed flat. And that doesn't include schooling or activities.

But the main thing to me is that your children don't want to go. Why would you drag them away from their settled home, school, and friends on a whim? Better for you to go ahead and then, once you get 'discovered' and are a 'star', send for them.

If this is not through AEA, there is zero chance I would consider a move to the US. A contract is only protection if it is upheld, if it isn't, you'll have to go through legal channels to get your money. I would not uproot a whole family on the strength of what a non-union house has to offer.

If it is through AEA, you can still turn up to work and discover the show is closing in three days' time with little recourse. And base pay for AEA work is good, but it isn't enough to live on one salary in NYC by any stretch. Plus the equity health insurance requires you to meet the number of worked hours before you can opt in, so you'd need to first arrange interim cover while you built up the hours, then you'll need to make sure you opt in and pay the premiums. It's not a bad plan, but it is pricey and even more so for the family option.

Visas are a whole other issue, which presumably the production team sorts for you. Performer visas are limiting in terms of spousal terms -- P visas, which is probably the most common one for touring productions and exchange, don't allow spousal work at all.

Yes @IdentifyingAsAWoollyMammoth I'm aware of that. I was at three theatres over the weekend (for work) and noticed that one of them in a small rural town, relied heavily on volunteers, and not just for FoH. My own local theatre has volunteer ushers, but the House Managers, SM, ASMs and techies are paid. I don't like the practice, but NPO funding barely keeps the lights on nowadays.

However on the West End & Broadway, the ushers are paid & are often actors not in acting jobs.

I was refuting your idea that only poor, bit part actors would ever lower themselves to ushering between gigs

I would see his apparent enthusiasm at you auditioning and then move if you get the role, as he didn't actually think you'd get it. Okay to offer support and keenness safe in the knowledge you wouldn't get the job offer..

TheCoralBear · Today 14:12
I’m getting very frustrated with DH, he won’t even have a conversation about it now! I’ve tried to speak to him about it all multiple times today and he won’t even discuss it at all now!

Can you not see the irony of this comment. You have been asked lots of questions on this thread - a thread that you started, but you aren't clarifying anything.

Oh, and I've just seen your comment about "looking into" ESTAs/Visas later on this evening.

Why the fuck haven't you done this already? It sounds, from one of your infrequent replies, that your DH doesn't have a chance of being admitted to the US. .. and yet you have already worked out where you all going to live?!

I think that was another poster - I wasn’t disputing that good actors in regular work might enjoy doing FOH whether they need the money or not.

I was genuinely speculating that the level of actor who can get a contract for their first role on broadway that pays enough to bring their family of four over to live in New York for 18 months is not likely to be an actor who does regular usher work.

And I’m basing that on my knowledge of cost of living from the US side.

@TheCoralBear taking what you say at face value there is pretty much zero chance he is going to get a visa - visa deep dive and it will turn up and he will get turned down. There is absolutely no way he would get permission for an 18 month stay and work in the US with known drink and drug issues.

Zero (and the current administration isn’t just the issue here at all he never would have but there is no way he will now)

Schooling for your children - should and has to remain international for them to come back in (although it would mean coming back at post GCSEs which would be tough) so it is selfish to remove your 14 year old. and international costs

@TheCoralBear yes correct it is really hard to even get an ESTA to enter USA not sure if it’s visa for long term living but you can’t have any convictions etc

Ah apologies, got confused

I don't know how big a name would need to be for Broadway but I do know at least one person I work with has been a fairly major on a series of a big Netflix show so could claim some level of global acclaim I suppose?

You would struggle to move the children out of the country without both parents' agreement.

For such a short time, it's unfair on your eldest child to move to a completely different education system.

Yes I’d say it’s unheard of.

Why don’t you apply to go anyway OP? Your DH sounds like he won’t get past the screening process, if you are only there for 18 months, seems a bit extravagant to move the whole family. NY isn’t that far, they can come for weekends. If you don’t do it you will always wonder ‘what if’, but that isn’t necessarily justification for the whole family going. Can you afford two sets of bills and rent/mortgage? Do the production team source you a home and cover private school fees?

Unless he’s actually not their father, he absolutely can go to court to prevent them going. But of course it’s all a moot point since they don’t exist.

OP has said that it was due to drink and drugs problems - but hasn't even looked into ESTAs/Visas - despite apparently having found somewhere that they will live!

There's no chance that I would give up an opportunity like this for a guy that said he'd move if you got the job because he didn't believe you'd get it (very David Harbour), and now thinks the adult approach is "his way end of story".

Nevermind someone who's given up PR of their kids. What a guy to give up your dreams for.

You're going to regret not going and resenting him so regardless the future is bleak for the two of you, though that's probably for the best.

Is your offer for a major or minor role? If major you could consider a boarding school in the UK if you are not happy to leave with DH.
For 18 months it is unfair to all move unless you all want to.
It's unlikely unless you have a lead role that this oppertunity although amazing will have a great impact on future work.

@FairKoala

OP is allegedly planning to move to the US for an 18 month role in a Broadway show. Who is going to care for these children while she is on stage/rehearsing?

THIS in spades.

I'd suggest going for the holiday first and see what everyone thinks...

It's so much pressure on everyone to just uproot and go.

What do you do if once there, you're happy and they're all miserable?