To insist on moving DH and the DC to New York?

[TheCoralBear]

Me, DH and our DC (11 year old DS and 14 year old DD) were all born in the UK and live in London. I’ve performed in musical theatre (and I work as an usher in a theatre when I’m not performing) my whole life and it’s all I’ve ever known. Usually I perform in west end musicals here in the UK however I’ve now been offered a role on Broadway which would obviously involve moving to New York. I want to accept the role and move us all to New York but DH and the DC are dead set against it and won’t even consider it. I really don’t want to turn down the Broadway role as it’s an excellent opportunity for my career. DH are the DC are refusing to even consider moving though. DH has even suggested I go to New York alone and he stays here with the children but I’m not going to just abandon my children like that so that’s why I’ve suggested we all move to New York but DH and DC keep insisting that they don’t want to go. Would I be unreasonable to insist that we are all going to New York and that’s the end of it? DH says he doesn’t care if it’s an excellent opportunity for my career but he is not considering moving to New York, he is dead set against it.

Why?
Thousands of men in WW2 went off for years. Everyone coped.

You’ll be gone 18 months ? Flights are available for family to visit. Everyone will cope.

And is she going to leave the 2 children alone every day after school in a new country while she's performing every evening?

But we don't know what this 'dream job' is. Also OP will not answer so many valid questions about the move.

He would not be allowed to work while in the US under the terms of the visa on which you are entering.

@Britinme

Well from what OP has said in her updates, it is highly unlikely that her OH would ever be allowed into the US in the first place.

I'm gobsmacked that you believe in the implausibility of the whole thing. Would you really screw up your children's education for a short term contract in New York and without even checking whether your husband, who potentially has a criminal record, can even get a visa?

This is true. It's also true that her children's education wouldn't benefit because the UK and US systems are quite different, and on returning to the UK they would probably be behind their age cohorts. Also in NYC I'm told the public schools can be iffy and the private ones are very expensive and hard to get into, though that is hearsay and I have no personal experience of them. Having said that, my DS did the last three years of high school here in Maine and probably did better there, as a non-academic kid, than he would have done in the same three years in the UK system.

We know lots of people currently looking to leave the USA

Strongly suggest you have been played. Dad knew unlikely to get a visa and encouraged you to continue with your auditions whilst dropping hints into your children's ears. He knew you would have a dilemma. If you go you will have issues with children; going they will resent you because dad can't and you have separated them and they can't see family and friends. But them staying but you going they will say the same about you not caring and abandoning them. All aided by dad's drip drip drip. I think there was a good reason dad doesn't have pr.

No, you’re absolutely right — successful Broadway actors don’t “slum it” ushering between jobs because they don’t need to. Between contracts they do concerts, readings, workshops, tours, TV, film, teaching, voiceover, Lifetime movies, regional leads — actual work that uses their skills and keeps them visible.

Ushering has never been the default fallback for “serious” actors, poor or otherwise. It’s a separate job with its own hiring pipelines that happens to exist in theatres. The idea that it’s some kind of moral rung on the ladder — or that actors should do it out of passion — is nonsense.

I doubt OP will be living with her children in NYC - more likely one of the bridge and tunnel crowd if only for the schools. The UK and US systems are very different (less so the Irish and US systems) - and this difference will really impact the 14 year old (who also won't be able to legally get a summer or saturday job while in the US unlike her peers). I wouldn't want to put a reluctant 11 year old from the UK in public Middle school in the US either. Middle school is hard enough for kids in the US :)

I don't think one system is better than the other - they are different. Even private prep schools are generally preparing kids for good universities/colleges in the US - a broad range of learning including arts, humanities, science and sport. Not the specialization of A levels which also has its advantages. Just very different approaches.

Even child abusers do not get their parental responsibility taken away. As other posters have said it is vanishingly rare. Usually done only through adoption, and even then the legal process is very strict on exploring all possibilities of parents retaining PR and looking at future reunification. 10 years in this field and I have never seen it happen. I have colleagues who have done 30 plus years in this field and never seen this happen. Even when the court orders no contact or long term foster care without the possibility of reunification, parents retain PR. I just find this so unbelievable

You’re not abandoning your Children if you go. Look at all the actors/actresses that need to take up assignments!? Armed Forces, lots of other roles.

Why does it have to be all or nothing? You’ll surely get time off. It’s never been easier to keep in touch. You go, get settled. Be in touch every single day. Visit regular and if they come over you’ll maybe be pleasantly surprised as they might change your minds.

It would be wrong to force them as they’ll resent you and it could cause a lot of damage. Equally it would be wrong not to give you their blessing as it’s the opportunity of a lifetime.

Go, see what happens and if it doesn’t work out at least you’ll know. We only get one life and that way is better than forcing DH/kids to do something they don’t want to do.

Possibly a minor consideration in amongst the visa/drink & drugs/parental responsibility etc but I have a 14 year old daughter and in 18 months time she'll be sitting her gcses.
Whilst I know loads of expats who have moved all over, they always stay for kids finishing school/exam qualifications, even international school.
You should have thought the practicalities through first before auditioning but for me it's go alone or don't go.

Meanwhile, "New York, New Yooooork!"

How is this thread still here?

What's your agent's advice? This is something all agents will deal with from time to time. What does he/she say about the prospective run time, subsequent work, accommodation reserved for transatlantic actors etc.? You're not the first to have such queries.

@Pallisers I don't think one system is better than the other - they are different. Even private prep schools are generally preparing kids for good universities/colleges in the US - a broad range of learning including arts, humanities, science and sport. Not the specialization of A levels which also has its advantages. Just very different approaches.

I agree. Not better or worse but different, and in a way that won't necessarily mesh well for the children when they return to the UK.

I have a 15yo DD, it is a really bad time to be moving school systems. Depending on her birthday she may be in year 10 and already in the GCSE period.

I would also be concerned about taking my family there with the current political situation, but fortunately my qualifications are UK centric so I am not having to make this decision.

I wonder if they would take the same line against a DH who landed a dream job on Broadway

If it involved taking a 14 year old out of school and an uncertain 18 month contract in the US? Absolutely I’d be telling him he was mad and needed to reconsider.

You are still being incredibly selfish.

me me me me me.

Go and live your dream. You cannot and should not try to force any of them to move! They don’t have to have a good reason or any reason. No is no!

leave them with their dad for gods sake listen to reason.

you are jus being selfish.

If you can afford to come home at weekends or sort out an arrangement and dh and kids can visit and dh and kids happy for you to fulfil your career go.

I dont know why anyone bothers to reply to this (38 pages!!) when its clearly is someone really young fooling around. No adult person can be so out of touch with reality, come on.

God this has jumped so many sharks the OP could get a role in a Jaws remake

In this particular scenario as a whole I agree but you’d be surprised how often people assume it’s fairly easy to qualify for a work visa for the US.

Even getting a simple spousal visa takes loads of time and effort and money.

When I married my American DH nearly two decades ago most people were amazed it took nearly 18 months before I whom my visa to be able to move over.