To insist on moving DH and the DC to New York?

[TheCoralBear]

Me, DH and our DC (11 year old DS and 14 year old DD) were all born in the UK and live in London. I’ve performed in musical theatre (and I work as an usher in a theatre when I’m not performing) my whole life and it’s all I’ve ever known. Usually I perform in west end musicals here in the UK however I’ve now been offered a role on Broadway which would obviously involve moving to New York. I want to accept the role and move us all to New York but DH and the DC are dead set against it and won’t even consider it. I really don’t want to turn down the Broadway role as it’s an excellent opportunity for my career. DH are the DC are refusing to even consider moving though. DH has even suggested I go to New York alone and he stays here with the children but I’m not going to just abandon my children like that so that’s why I’ve suggested we all move to New York but DH and DC keep insisting that they don’t want to go. Would I be unreasonable to insist that we are all going to New York and that’s the end of it? DH says he doesn’t care if it’s an excellent opportunity for my career but he is not considering moving to New York, he is dead set against it.

Or maybe Trump has bombed Venezuela and is showing more and more signs of actual insanity, and your dh feels that the USA is unsafe as a place to live even for US citizens – I mean, at least some of ICE now seem to have a shoot to kill first and ask questions afterwards policy, not to mention incarceration for an indefinite period without trial. I think your dh is right, actually. Wild horses wouldn't get me to the place until it's saner again, if that happens in my lifetime.

Only three options. Or combinations.....
Lying
Stupid
Reckless

I feel for you OP, it sounds like a dream job but it’s very far fetched to imagine you can just move your family there when you haven’t even looked into the practicalities.

I mean, where would you live for starters? NY is crazy expensive!

Editing because now I've seen more of your posts.
It sounds really tricky OP, but I think if your DH really does not want to go, then you'll have to focus your energy on deciding either:

1. Give up the opportunity
2. Go without him but take the children
3. Go without any of them and make a plan for how you'll visit/they'll visit etc.

I wish you all the very best xx

I think you'll find that most posters are getting very frutrated with you @TheCoralBear

No-one just decides to move to New York for a temporary contract and removes their children from school at a crucial point in their education or without checking whether the entire family can get visas.

It's very clear, if this is real, that no thought at all has gone into this unilateral decision by yourself about the actual practicalities of moving to the US or the impact this will have on your family.

Is the production The Secret Life of Walter Mitty?

Well that’s your answer, then, he’s not going to get a visa, is he? And if by any chance he does, he may land in New York and be turned around and sent right back. And then where would you and your children be?
That’s aside from the precarious nature of your own job and the sheer stupidity of uprooting your children at a crucial point in their education and without a secure future for them in NYC. (Let alone the shit happening in the US currently. I love NY but you couldn’t pay me as a billionaire to go there now, even to visit.)

One word. Trump. I thinks that's reason enough not to even holiday there, let alone move your family over there.

They don't want to go. He can't. They shouldn't. You won't. The end.

I notice you are pointedly ignoring all the questions about the supposed audition, and which visa it is you think you will be getting, which is interesting….

@RampantIvy

Exactly!

OP is being absolutely batshit.
You can't just expect somone else to up and leave their life and move to another country. Let alone teen/tween children!
The DH doesn't need to give reasons or discuss beyond "no I am not moving abroad".

And that's before you even consider what's happenening over there atm.

OP, why did you have children if you wanted to do this sort of thing? Or why didn't you accept that children and marriage meant it would be off the cards?

So even without a possible criminal drug related history it's actually not very likely that DH was every going to be able to work there?
OP you are criticising DH for being fine with this at audition stage then pulling out because you say you wouldn't have gone through with the audition if you weren't all going to go...... But you went to the audition seemingly without having done even the basics around the family ever even being allowed into the US

He’s got two options.

He can declare the drug abuse, and most likely not get a visa.

Or he can fail to declare the drug abuse, which entails lying to the INS, and if discovered, deportation including potential detainment by ICE.

Hmm, I wonder why he’s not keen to go to the US with you?

Is there some news story I am missing where this is an issue and this is a silly take on it?

I am gobsmacked at the number of MNetters siding with the husband on this. I wonder if they would take the same line against a DH who landed a dream job on Broadway whose wife had encouraged him and then got cold feet. I sense a lot of jealousy circulating, OP. Ignore them and seize the day! Women do not need to be held back by anything - if you want the role, I know you can make it work. If you don't take it, your resentment toward DH will build and build. Just tell him you and kids are off, up to him if he wants to come, or be there when you get back. Good luck!

OP this is madness.

My brother in law's mother did similar to him and his family when they were children. They got to the states and then the job evaporated.

The financial hit was extreme and they ended up bankrupt and losing the family home.

I thought she was a one of moron but clearly not.

On the contrary, I suspect a husband would get a much harder time if his wife posted she and her kids were being dragged to another country against their wills, at a time of huge importance in the kids school life.

This has got to be a windup. No one in their right mind would move to the USA at the moment.

I wouldn't even holiday there at the moment.

OP has said repeatedly she refuses to "abandon" her children and they all must come. She refuses to go on her own. It's a silly pipe dream to imagine she can force everyone to up sticks, move to NY, and afford rent for a family there on a single salary for a job that may fall through if the show closes anyway.

Even if any of it were true.

Mmmm and there’s your answer! Doubtful the US will grant him visa in this case and he knows it

If it was the DH wanting to drag an unwilling family to another country, especially when the children are at pivotal stages of education, then MN would tell the DW to stand her ground and insist that the DH goes on his own.

Which is exactly what MN has done here.

I'm gobsmacked that you think its okay to uproot children for something that might only last three weeks

and yes I and clearly many others would certainly say the same if it was a man who was in the same position and wanted to uproot his family without them agreeing for something that might not even last.

She can go, just without her children and husband. she's the only one holding herself back, nothing is stopping her going on her own but herself who seems to think its easy to uproot everyone with a click of her fingers

oh and playing the jealousy card is pathetic (certainly not jealous of having such an unstable career - however you might be but thats a you issue)

Hi op this does sound cruel of him but did he go along with it thinking it would not happen? Are you famous for your work? I’m not asking you to disclose yourself but did he think oh she won’t get it so let’s humour her then she can’t say I wasn’t supporting her.

of course they would. Because all those posters are saying "do what is best for the DC"

so take that whataboutery elsewhere

Good luck to her getting the 14 year old on the plane.

Although maybe the next plot twist is that the 14 year old is just really teeny tiny and the OP will be able to pick her up and carry her on.

I don't think anyone is saying don't go though?! She should go, it's an incredible opportunity........ But she does not seem to have thought through any of the practicalities, or likelihood of actually getting visa just 'DH should be able to get a job'? I'm not sure she knows what her own visa would be and does it even allow a working spouse, and the children's schooling when returning to the UK doesn't seem to have entered the equation