MOH for sister and newborn not allowed in wedding venue

[Elliee0810]

I am the MOH for my sister for her wedding in May. We are both very close!
After 4 miscarriages I am expecting my miracle baby 6 weeks before the wedding (if baby is overdue this could be 4 weeks).
I have asked my sister if my MIL could look after the baby upstairs in the hotel room the entire day. My sister has said in the past she wouldn’t want the baby to steal the limelight so I thought if baby is “hidden” nearby I can quickly nip up if I’m breastfeeding or if he won’t settle. My sister has absolutely said the baby is not welcome at the wedding (which I understand a tiny bit) or not welcome to stay in a hotel room upstairs being cared for. She said it’s her day and should be all about her and not the baby and that she’d resent me and the baby if he was on the premises. She said she was happy for the baby to stay nearby in another hotel or air bnb but that costs a fortune and the closest one is the 20+ minutes drive away.I don’t think I’ve ever been so hurt or offended in my life. I don’t know what to do. My husband is a groomsman and he’s thinking of not attending the wedding now as the baby will need a parent being so young. Will the baby be okay to be apart for 1-2 days? Will I be okay with this being 4-6 weeks PP? Does anyone have any advice?

@Elliee0810

All the best of luck with baby!!

As many others have said, words fail me… and what a selfish, self centred cow. You’re best off put of all that. So sorry she’s this way 😕

So glad you both asserted for yourselves. Yes, the hurt is another story…

Would love to hear how you / it goes.

One day she will be a mother herself, and will understand. Presently she is wrapped up in her own Bridezilla world… perfect wedding at any cost, but the cost is your relationship with her. I would decline and let her realise that you not being there at all will be a distraction too. This isn’t just selfish towards you but also indicates her feeling towards your child who she is willing to let suffer. Absolutely don’t go,

20 mins away! Is she going to tell the screaming newborn baby she/he has to wait 20 mins for a feed. Absolutely ridiculous. If you were upstairs a quick phone call from
your MIL would have been different. Even if you have a “easy” birth, say you have a CS 4-6 weeks you can’t recover or even drive! So driving 20 mins is out of the question, let her down now. But make a point of saying she is being absolutely idiotic

I’m laughing at your parents trying to ‘mediate’ as if your sister has a point. She is 100% in the wrong. They should all be giving her a good shake, but I imagine this isn’t unusual behaviour from her.

I feel sorry for all of you dealing with her, and now a wedding!! She will be a total nightmare.

I have never in all my time here seen so much rage directed at one person. It really has united us all. Please thank your sister 😂

My BFF had a child free wedding and I had a baby that was about 4 weeks old. I wasn't a MOH but I told her I either take the baby or simply cannot go. It was an hour from home. He was the only child there apart from her bridesmaids. My two year old stayed at home with Grandma but there was no way I was leaving my mum with a two year old and a four week old for an entire day and evening.

I was very careful to make sure he didn't cause any disruption, took him off quietly to feed him when needed and he slept the rest of the time, as they do at that age. We left reasonably early after the main meal and before the partying got really underway. It was fine. She understood. The wedding wasn't ruined or overshadowed, and the world didn't end.

I heard a Vicar on the radio a few months ago saying this idea of a Wedding being the Bride’s “special day” is relatively new and potentially pernicious. A wedding is a primarily publicly declared legal contract, with religious sacrament and the joining of two families as secondary. The Wedding industry, promoting self centredness as a virtue, spending money and Brides an Insta worthy day as priority has turned your sister into a monster. How fragile she must be to feel that the presence of a much wanted new family baby would intolerably spoil “her” day, rather than add to it. Your compromise of your MIL looking after your baby at the hotel is more than reasonable. I think I would hold this line. And wishing you every best wish in the world.

I was bridesmaid at by BFs wedding 6 weeks after giving birth. The baby was with me for the entire day, I even had my dress altered to fit breast pads in case I leaked!! She slept most of it in her pram and in no way stole any limelight. I would just say to your sister that it's both of you or neither!

She has no idea what she is asking, and may well cringe about this one day.

As well as the upset this has caused you OP, this must be absolutely devastating for your parents at what should be such a joyous time. I’m so sorry.

I went to a friend's childfree wedding when my ds was 2 months. I still regret going, she would have totally understood if I hadn't, I was worried about ds all the time although he was with my mum 15 mins away. We stayed for the ceremony and meal and then left. I was breastfeeding, my boobs hurt, I felt fat, I looked like shit and I was tired.
Yoy might feel differently, but brace yourself for hormones and id tell your sister this is unlikely to be manageable for you.

Absolutely, sis hasn´t thought it through. She want´s the spotlight (me me me) but doesn´t realise the attention will all be on her, just not in a positive way. If someone I knew did this, I would no longer hold them in the same esteem again.

I don't understand why your Sister wouldn't let your MIL care for your baby in a room that I assume you'll be staying in that's booked for the wedding party anyway. The room will be empty all day while you attend the wedding so what difference would it make if your MIL & Baby were to use it. Your Sister is being very selfish in not agreeing to your request. The day would be about her as your MIL wouldn't be bringing the baby downstairs so I don't see what the problem is. I know you've decided not to go but let the dust settle for a little while & maybe speak with your Sister again letting her know you understand she wants a child free wedding but your baby is too young to leave all day & that the solution you thought of is reasonable & wouldn't by any means take the shine of her on her big day as Baby wouldn't been seen but it would allow you to pop in now & again to check on him & feed him.

i totally agree that your sister is out of order, however, unlike others, I think you should try to attend her wedding as it's only one day and you will be sad (after the event) not to have been there or in any of the pics - these things do live on and can make family feuds last longer than they should (speaking from experience).

as you are her maid of honour, i imagine you are close, which is lovely. i hope you can remain so, it will be better for you all (baby included) in the long run.

my suggestion is to make quiet plans for your mother-in-law to be upstairs and just say no more of it to your sister, vaguely let her know that you 'will sort something out' that won't impact on her day and leave it there for the time being. once the baby actually arrives, things will become clearer and hopefully your sister will soften.

i predict that when and if she has a newborn of her own, she will realise how wildly unreasonable this all was and apologise to you (again speaking from experience!).

congratulations on your pregnancy and hope all goes well with the birth :-)

I think the husband-to-be needs to be warned!
Then again, I don’t think OP and her sister are going to be seeing much of each other in the future. But I feel sorry for the guy.

She is absolutely unbelievable !!!
I do not understand why it’s an issue with you bringing baby plus babysitter ( your MIL ) along .
They can spend the day in another room / suite with your MIL caring for the baby eg nappy changes , burping , settling , she could take the pram and do little walks to settle baby .
Your baby could come down with MIL to the reception for a quick visit and so other friends and relatives can see him / her .
You could head discreetly to another room to feed .
honestly if she’s like this I’d need to bow out if I were you

Watch your sister’s attitude change when it is her previous baby! This is ridiculous. My seven week old twins came with me to my sister’s wedding - they didn’t take any attention off the bride!!!! I would not be going.

My son was 8 weeks old when my sister got married. She picked a bridemaid dress that meant I couldn't breastfeed in public (halterneck) and as a result, I combi fed from the start so I could let others feed him during the day and I went to pump in the hotel room later on. I massively regret not advocating for us both, as I had really wanted to EBF but didn't because of the wedding. It affected my supply and meant that I had to stop BF at around 12 weeks. Do what is right for you and your baby. 100%.

Pull out of the wedding now. You never know how you might be feeling at that time and it is clearly better that your sister makes other arrangements before it is too late.

Good decision OP.
Your solution with your MIL looking after the baby upstairs was ideal and your sister didn't want that so the only option left was to withdraw from the wedding.

Wow that is breathtakingly selfish of your sister. I think it makes more sense to step down from MOH duties and maybe just attend the ceremony and skip the reception as it won't be possible to be apart from your baby for that long.

Given how immature she sounds, I'm wondering how long the marriage will last anyway.

Absolutely not op.
tell her now that it won’t be possible to leave your newborn baby.
she’s being ridiculous.

A couple of my bridesmaids were breastfeeding infants at my wedding. Baby was bloomed after in a hotel room by husbands and grannies. Babies were brought down for breastfeeds or the bridesmaids popped in to feed babies when they needed to.
made absolutely no difference to me and I. Fact it was lovely to see small babies being fed by their mammies.
now that I’m a mum myself I absolutely would not be separated from my babies at 6weeks.
the bride in this case is a bona fide bridezilla.

Op it’s not a decision you’re making you really cant leave a baby that young. Your own mother should be able to tell your sister that. Your not being unreasonable it’s totally insane to expect this from you. Also, when my son was born there were complications and he was in a nicu for weeks. Your sister should be more concerned about you and you baby having a hustle free, safe delivery. Unbelievable.

We had a 'no child' wedding (as our venue held 60 and inviting all the kids would have meant we needed 30 more places!) except for our young child and one of my bridesmaid's had their newborn baby with them because I could never in a million years separate a newborn child from their mother!

Your sister is being ridiculous! I would refuse to attend, let alone be maid of honour. I wouldn't have left my baby at that age. They are so new, this is your miracle baby.

If your sister has this awful an attitude, it might not be her last wedding ...so I'm sure you'll get another opportunity to be MOH.

I really don't understand child free weddings. Dd2 has been invited to her best friends' wedding also in May. She has 2dc including a newborn who will still be ebf at the time of the wedding. It's a few hours from her home. Best friends often babysit for dd2.