MOH for sister and newborn not allowed in wedding venue

[Elliee0810]

I am the MOH for my sister for her wedding in May. We are both very close!
After 4 miscarriages I am expecting my miracle baby 6 weeks before the wedding (if baby is overdue this could be 4 weeks).
I have asked my sister if my MIL could look after the baby upstairs in the hotel room the entire day. My sister has said in the past she wouldn’t want the baby to steal the limelight so I thought if baby is “hidden” nearby I can quickly nip up if I’m breastfeeding or if he won’t settle. My sister has absolutely said the baby is not welcome at the wedding (which I understand a tiny bit) or not welcome to stay in a hotel room upstairs being cared for. She said it’s her day and should be all about her and not the baby and that she’d resent me and the baby if he was on the premises. She said she was happy for the baby to stay nearby in another hotel or air bnb but that costs a fortune and the closest one is the 20+ minutes drive away.I don’t think I’ve ever been so hurt or offended in my life. I don’t know what to do. My husband is a groomsman and he’s thinking of not attending the wedding now as the baby will need a parent being so young. Will the baby be okay to be apart for 1-2 days? Will I be okay with this being 4-6 weeks PP? Does anyone have any advice?

Congratulations on your pregnancy!
I think your suggestion was more than reasonable. Your sister is absolutely deluded In her thinking and needs to give her head a wobble. If i were you, I would seriously consider your relationship with her going forward. She sounds like a heartless piece of work. I’m so glad you stuck up for yourself and your baby xx

Your sister is a narcissist...you are doing the right thing. Imagine feeling so self-absorbed and insecure that you are jealous a baby IN A HOTEL ROOM would outshine you on your wedding day...diabolical!

Glad you have pulled out but I'm sure you are sad to miss your sisters wedding. I hope she reconsiders letting you attend as a guest with baby at the hotel. Even if she has said yes to baby I think being MoH would have been too much. If BFing at that age baby could still be eating every 2 hours for up to 30 mins at a time and you'd have needed a dress that allowed that.
Congratulations on your pregnancy wishing you all the best.

Your sister is batshit crazy. Do not go to the wedding, your baby is more important.

This cannot be real! If it is, your sister is a complete arsehole and you should obviously pull out. Please grow a backbone, you will need to advocate for your child over and over, so learn to do it right now.

even if she changes her mind i wouldnt be moh its too much and you;ll have to go upstairs a fair bit

what a horrible woman

I'd sent your parents a link to this thread as they try to 'mediate'. There's nothing to mediate here. You will have a much longed-for newborn in arms. Leaving them elsewhere won't be an option for you. Your parents need to make this clear to your sister and that she's being hideous.

Your sister is horrendous... tell her to stick the wedding and go and spend time with your beautiful baby

You and your sister are not ‘’very close’, if you were she would not treat you like this. People might spend a few minutes looking at a newborn baby then that would be it, babies are really only of interest to parents and grandparents. But that aside her attitude to expecting it to be all about her is horrendous, I always feel at any wedding I attend I’m happy to celebrate an ‘absolutely stunning bride and their love which is like no other’ for a couple of hours then I’m absolutely bored stiff with it! I put on a brave face, obviously but it’s all so boring, thank God for the other guests, food, music, dancing, drinking, etc. Does your sister not realise this?

Your sister is a cunt.

I suppose looking on the bright side, if you don't go, your Sister gets her total 'me fest' wedding day, although I am presuming she has to share the day a little bit with the Groom? and you won't be constantly stressed worrying about your tiny baby.

Wow.
Your extremely close sister isn’t being very kind. Or understanding. Or helpful. Or considerate.

When I got married, my sister was almost 9 months pregnant. So we looked for bridesmaids gowns that would be flattering to everybody. And we changed our church wedding to my parents house for her.

And you know what I and just about every other bride learned?
It’s only one damn day. And contrary to what you expect, you won’t feel any different. You’ll just have spent a lot of £££ on a big party.

I now have the most beautiful and amazing niece who has kids of her own.
Good luck to you, @Elliee0810— I hope everything works out for you.
This will be trivial-ass-shite once your baby is born - that beautiful and mysterious new life you’re about to bring into this world.
I’m sending you love and light and strength and happiness from faraway ❤️

You need to consider the worst case scenario because the chances you’ll feel on top of the world post partum with a newborn who sleeps like an angel are pretty slim. Instead imagine your baby arrives late, you tear badly and it’s painful to even sit without a pillow, you’re breastfeeding and your breasts are swollen and painful so you need to keep leaving to pump milk, you’re tired because the baby has colic and has been screaming for days and you’ve had no sleep etc. There’s a reason they say the newborn stage is the 4th trimester of pregnancy - you should be with your baby as much as possible and in as stress free an environment as possible. It’s hard to imagine how difficult it can be to leave them so early on until you’re there. You’ll thank yourself later for not going.

Well if you’re breastfeeding, this is not possible. Even if you can express enough milk for 1-2 days, you’ll have to keep disappearing to express milk when you’re there so your supply stays regular. (I’m thinking back many years so I think I’m right??). So breastfeeding = baby ideally needs to be on site otherwise it’s a huge amount of faffing for you.
Even if not breastfeeding, depends on your birth, you may still be feeling knackered and sore and probably want to disappear off now and again to look after yourself. I do think it would be hard for you and baby to be apart that long at that stage.
it sounds like she doesn’t have any experience of babies and what she is saying doesn’t make much sense. Is there a proper grown up who can nudge her??

Feel like I’m saying much of the same thing here, but your sister is asking far too much of you. With both my babies there is just no way that I would’ve wanted to be apart from them for a few hours let alone 1/2 days, particularly when they were that young. It’s actually not great for either you or baby to be separate when they are this little, particularly if you’re breastfeeding. Some babies will refuse a bottle so if that is something that happens with your baby, you will not have any choice but to have them with you. You need to tell your sister either you’re unable to make the wedding or she allows MIL to have baby upstairs in the hotel so you can feed regularly. If she actually truly values her relationship with you and recognising the life change you’re about to go through she would be okay with you bringing the baby to the wedding! Outrageous of her to request otherwise imo.

You don’t even know yet what type of birth you will end up with. If you end up with a c section even 4-6 weeks after you be incredibly uncomfortable and sore and exhausted. You can’t spend that time away from your baby, let alone travel to a nearby hotel to feed. I think what you have suggested with MIL looking after baby upstairs is more than reasonable. I wouldn’t even be asking my sister, I would be telling her that what’s happening. I can understand baby not being in ceremony but who does it actually impact if baby is in a hotel room upstairs? No one. She’s being a self centred cow!

Your sister is unhinged. We had a four week old newborn at our wedding and honestly I didn’t even notice.

I’m currently six months postpartum and in my experience there’s no way I would have left my baby that young. 4 weeks was peak cluster feeding so baby was attached to me like a barnacle! Let alone the emotional roller coaster. I would cry because I was overwhelmed and needed a break from the baby. My husband would offer to take baby out for a walk in the pram so I could rest. And in turn I would cry even more because my husband dared to try and give me a break from the baby…

Just laughing and shocked at such a narcissistic bride. 😂
No, your baby can't attend.
No, your baby can't even be in the same hotel. 😵‍💫
Whaaaat?

I'd be dropping out of the wedding party, too.
And, obviously the whole wedding since I'd have to be with my new born baby who isn't even allowed near the venue.
Jesus Christmas, I've heard it all. 🤦‍♀️
Thankfully OP and her DH have sensibly put their soon to be newborn first.

eta Parents of the bride should not be trying to mediate. If anything should just tell bride to stop being so stupid.

I don't think you will be able to leave a baby that young especially if you are breastfeeding. I think your sister is being very selfish and it is a good thing that you have withdrawn given how unreasonable she is being.

Your sister is being a bit of a cunt to be fair

So true! Haha - I remember thinking the world was ending because my partner wanted to take our baby out for an hour and also give me a break. I called my mum sobbing my heart out just because he has suggested it!

I voted YABU for even considering not being close to your newborn. I think your sister is being horrible! Ffs! She's worried about being upstaged by a baby?!

I’m so sorry that you’ve had to find out in such an awful way that your sister is a horrendous person. So horrible, so so horrible but worth falling out with her over I’m afraid. Please don’t leave your baby, you’ll both suffer for it and you’ll never forgive your sister.

OP, I was enraged on your behalf reading this!

I had multiple miscarriages before my DC and I feel so sorry for you. If my sister did this I honestly would never speak to her again unless she apologised profusely and changed her mind. Even without your history, she's an utter bitch and delusional in terms of her expectations but her lack of sensitivity and understanding of your position has left me speechless.

You have 100% made the right decision here. Wishing you all the very best for the future, take care of yourself and your baby. Glad your DH is supportive xx

Well won’t your sister be aunt of the year! Terrible behaviour! She should be excited to have the baby there. I would have been and I had a child free wedding. That was only due to neither my husband or I having any young kids in the family. If we had nieces or nephews I wouldn’t have considered them not being there! It’s a disgusting ask and that’s before even considering how young the baby will be and how you will be feeling. I didn’t breast feed my children and still couldn’t have left them so young.

I am glad you’ve said no, it’s a shame you will miss her big day and she should miss having you and your baby there too. I feel for your poor mum stuck in the middle of this. Hopefully she makes your sister see sense.

Congratulations on your baby ❤️