To want to leave my partner over a chocolate cake

[AreliabfMite]

Been with my partner 3 years. The relationship has been fine and we have been genuinely in love. Lived together 2 years.

I’m unexpectedly pregnant, 7 weeks. Partner was terrified at first but has come round to it and says he is looking forward to parenthood but there have been repeated instances of unpleasant and lazy behaviour from him.

I work Monday to Friday 9-6. It’s been shit as I’m exhausted with this pregnancy but life doesn’t stop when you’re pregnant so I’m pushing through it even though it is shit. His work is having a quiet spell at the moment which means he’s only working around 20 hours a week but getting full pay (he’s on a 45 hour contract.) Cooking is all left to me as it “stresses him out” and occasions where I’ve begged him to cook as I’m exhausted and feel sick I have been met with weaponised incompetence, magically forgetting how to make meals he used to make all the time before I moved in. Even household stuff such as folding clothes after they’ve been washed, he will fold them in such a ridiculous manner that I genuinely wonder how the fuck he’s managed to fold it in that shape and then I have to do it all again myself.

I have snapped today. On Saturday I visited my parents who live in another city 2 train rides away. In the city where I changed trains I had an hour to kill. There is a viral slice of chocolate cake (I know…) on Instagram that has been my pregnancy craving, and they had a store in this particular city. They do online orders too but I can never get one as they sell out. I decided to go and treat myself to one. Keep in mind this is a HUGE slice of cake and is essentially a full-size cake just in the shape of a slice.

I had a tiny bit of it (literally one spoon worth) at my parents Saturday evening but it made me feel sick so I put it away. Partner picked me up in the evening and I went straight to bed as I was knackered, cake was left in the fridge.

I was in bed until 1pm today due the pregnancy fatigue, woke up craving the cake. I go down to find he’s eaten the entire thing.

I snapped a bit and stated he knew I’d been craving it. I explained I didn’t mind him having some as it’s huge but to eat all of it was horrible of him. He’s telling me I’m hormonal and need to get over myself but it feels malicious. His excuse was that he was hungry because I didn’t cook last night and didn’t make breakfast this morning. I’m so fucking annoyed at him

The cake eatinh is a metaphor for what a fucking selfish, lazy twat he is with zero regard for you.

Honestly, I'd not bring a child into this relationship

Edit....the more I think, the more full of RAGE I'm becoming. Honestly, I'd be absolutely fuming. What a cunt.

It’s not just about a cake, is it? It’s about the fact he’s a selfish, useless, lazy man child bastard.

YANBU

Just a bit of perspective you are 7 weeks pregnant. You have known you are pregnant for no more than 2 weeks surely. This isnt a prolonged behaviour from him this is all brand new for both of you. He will have zero understanding of how terrible you are feeling. Try and communicate with him. Be vulnerable and tell him you have never felt so terrible in your life and you are hoping it gets better soon but in the meantime he is going to have to step up or else things arent going to get done. He probably isn't taking it as seriously as he should. Everyone telling you to leave him as a knee jerk reaction are telling you to potentially break up a family with a man who yourself claim to be in love with. You are very early in your pregnancy and your hormones are all over the place. Give it time.

Leave now. This is the life you will sign up to if you stay.

Fuck him he's an arsehole.

Leave him. And take a decent pause of not having a man involved.

Consider carefully whether you want to commit to co-parent with him. Abuse often starts when a woman becomes pregnant.

Unless there was very little chance of meeting a new and better man in the future and having children with them, i think I'd also consider termination too.

Leave, they get worse. You’ve still got options.

If you think he will grow up and be the man you need you’re going to be disappointed.

Tbf it’s not the cake is it? It’s the fact he’s a selfish, lazy tosser. In my experience these types always get worse once a baby comes along or is due to, ie during pregnancy. They sure as hell don’t get better.

I would have a long hard think about your future. If you stay together in a relationship and have this baby and also him as a coparent if you split up now and what that will look like. Whichever you decide, please make sure you don’t take shit from him and try not to rely on him for anything. Make sure he pays child support obviously, but maybe don’t rely on him for childcare so you can go to work for example.

The cake is the straw that broke the camel’s back. Just another example of him being completely selfish and completely (deliberately) ignorant of your needs and wants.
Honestly I’d be very seriously contemplating ending the relationship. Certainly I’d be issuing an ultimatum that if he doesn’t start pulling his weight and showing you some respect and consideration then you’ll be off. I’d rather be a single parent than put up with that behaviour in a “partner”.

Solo parenting may be a more empowering and peaceful process for you than attempting to parent baby with this selfish man-child. And as harsh as it sounds, think hard if this unplanned pregnancy is wanted.

“He will have zero understanding of how terrible you are feeling.”

Well op said “occasions where I’ve begged him to cook as I’m exhausted and feel sick I have been met with weaponised incompetence”
so I don’t think he’s in the dark about her finding it hard.

This.

I agree.

Also, it's not actually rocket science. I would think most people in this day and age have a passing familiarity with the idea of pregnancy being hard work. If he doesn't, he could always start by assuming his partner is telling the truth when she says she's feeling crap.

(I really hate this thing some people do where they pretend some very ordinary thing is super super complicated and difficult to understand, so as to avoid concluding that men like the OP's partner are being wankers.)

Whilst the title suggests otherwise, this really isn’t about the cake.

You’ve listed some huge red flags here, that haven’t improved or appear to have been listened to in any way. Is this a frequent issue in your relationship?

It really sounds like your partner doesn’t want an equal partner, he wants a mother. There is no care or consideration for your wellbeing here and that is the biggest red flag of all.

If he is not capable of supporting you whilst you are carrying his child, it does not leave much hope for when your child arrives and it is inevitably harder.

Trust your instincts. You know this isn’t acceptable behaviour.

You should be being cherished. Instead he's already started competing with the baby for your care.

Even household stuff such as folding clothes after they’ve been washed, he will fold them in such a ridiculous manner that I genuinely wonder how the fuck he’s managed to fold it in that shape and then I have to do it all again myself.

My husband is the same. He doesn’t understand that folding is to enable you to store clothes neatly. He just seems to think it’s to crease them.

But OP, these are serious red flags during a first trimester. I get that the baby wasn’t planned but his behaviour is really poor. Do you want your baby raised in a house where dad sabotages mum’s things if she doesn’t cook for him?

Hope you get more chocolate cake soon 🍰

Leave him. You see, to be very tired for 7 weeks pregnant, how are you going to manage as a single parent? There will be no let up once this baby is here because this man is so useless you won't be able to let him have the child for more than a few hours at a time. you think you are tired now, it will be 10x worse when you have a child to put first.

Leave him. You see, to be very tired for 7 weeks pregnant, how are you going to manage as a single parent? There will be no let up once this baby is here because this man is so useless you won't be able to let him have the child for more than a few hours at a time. you think you are tired now, it will be 10x worse when you have a child to put first.

This is… not good. He should mortified that a pregnant woman is running around like that! One of the nice things about being pregnant is being treated so well from the man you love because you are EXHAUSTED and you are carrying his child!

I find it crazy! You make sure a pregnant woman is doing a lot less! Please
stop doing everything. He will be wven worse with the baby.

I would not be having a baby with him, it will be absolutely awful.

If he's like this now then I pity you when the baby is here. This is the easy part. Im so sorry you're stuck with this awful selfish man.

YOU DIDN’T COOK LAST NIGHT OR MAKE HIM BREAKFAST! That’s his excuse 🤦🏽‍♀️ Oh dear. He is shameful. I don’t think this is going to end well unless he has a character transplant.

Give over. I hate people like this. As a single parent who had awful pregnancies and people spouting this bullshit: it does get better once the baby was born. Some people have no imagination and are unable to see that people have different experiences.

This man is not partner nor father material, make of that what you will

Amen.

Some people feel terrible at 7 weeks. Some don't. The point is that a partner ought to be someone who takes you at your word when you say you feel terrible, and tries to help. Not someone who guilt-trips you for being 'emotional' or not pandering to him.

(And incidentally, at 7 weeks, the OP is hardly locked in to a decision to be a single parent if she decides this man is a waste of space.)