To think this is too much for a 30th?

[Savante]

I’ve got a friend who I’ve been friends with since university. There are four of us who are still in touch. This friend is 30 this time next year and asked if we want to go away for the weekend to Scotland to celebrate. I agreed.

However, friend has now decided she wants to go abroad. She’s found huge self catering villa in Italy and it’s stunning. It sleeps 20, and if full would cost us £200 each plus about £250 for flights. Everyone has happily agreed but AIBU to think it’s a bit much for a 30th? For a hen or a 50th or a wedding, of course, but I think it’s a lot of money to spend on someone’s birthday for a weekend away with her friends and family who I’ve never met (except her parents and one sibling).

She can choose to celebrate her birthday however she likes. Just like you can choose not to go if you don’t want to or can’t afford it.

Life is short and shit. I barely have a low now with little kids. I say celebrate anything whenever you get a chance.

She has major and expensive events for everything and she very rarely reciprocates. That is definitely colouring my view.

does she see herself as a queen bee of the group? Rather rude re your birthdays!

I would go because I love Italy, and £450 is affordable for me.
If you don't want to go for whatever reason, just make your excuses and decline the invitation.

Thing is in Edinburgh you are at your destination once you get off the train. Italy also means transport to and from airports and sourcing food and drink. I think there will be more hidden costs. As well as all the extra travelling time.
Which is fine, but I’d be disappointed about how short a time it is for all that money and travel.

Not a chance I would go with a large bunch of people I don't know.
You don't owe her a weekend where you are making up numbers.

No, I don’t think it’s that. I think she can be extremely self-obsessed though.

Sounds like you friendship might be running it's course. She's organised something completely that she wants, which is fine, but is making that the focus for all your birthday celebrations this year. The way you say she wouldn't reciprocate any of this and would make it known you have slighted her if you didn't go is indicating there might be history with her always being the centre of things. Is this irking you a bit. Do you think this might be a tipping point for your friendship.
Make the decision for you and if she gives out about it then use it as a time to rethink what you are getting out of the friendship.

Sounds like you pretty much hate her so best you don’t go!

What do you get out of this friendship? Because so far, it doesn't seem like much. Friendship length does not determine quality

Always one.

How does she get away with not reciprocating? Surely the others in the group notice that too?

Right but why is a 30 year old going to wait until 50 or 60 before celebrating their birthday as a big occasion? Like that’s potentially twice their life to date? They might not even make it to 50 or 60, seems fairly joyless to not expect them to do much to mark the occasion.

She is fantastic company most of the time. The constant big event for her birthday, barely an acknowledgement on ours, and ignorance of anything big going on in our lives that doesn’t affect her is a long standing issue which I’ve had conversations with her about.

But 90% of the time she’s great company.

They do, amd we speak to her, and she acknowledges that she gets carried away with what’s happening in her life and she’ll definitely make more effort. I think she’s probably means it when she says it too. It doesn’t last.

But birthdays and serious personal issues are thankfully rare so it doesn’t come up very often.

I didn’t say she shouldn’t mark it, at all.

Is great company the measure of a friendship? My hairdresser is great company, I’m not friends with her.

Equally if the reason someone said they were my friend is because I’m great company, I wouldn’t think I was much of a friend.

Are your other university friends not going? You said it's her family and friends who you don't know but if your group of friends from uni are going you can spend time with them.

I think YABU. She can celebrate in any way she wants. You don't get to decide what is "too much" for a 30th birthday celebration.
You don't want to go so don't go. I wouldn't be spending 450 quid on 2 nights away. If she takes offence, tough.
She's free to decide how she wants to celebrate and you are free to decide whether you go or not. There will be other friends who don't want to go and will just say no. If she takes a huff with everyone that's her look out when she ends up with no friends.

Why did you say “there’s always one?” All your posts drip with contempt for this woman. You definitely aren’t her friend! Not my definition of friend anyway.

Politely decline.

It is not as if it is a wedding. It is part of the nonsense of what are now referred to as milestone birthdays.

Are you clear that the goalposts have changed from just your friends to now her family and other friends that you don’t know?

If this is the case and you are socially uncomfortable getting to know or interacting with other layers of her life - then just don’t go. But then also don’t bother going to her hen, wedding, any Christening etc if you can’t tolerate mixing with her friends and family.

It’s fine to recognise your own personal / social limits and not put yourself under stress.

You clearly don't want to go, which is fine, so tell her no.
If she sulks, leave her to get on with it. You can handle someone being mardy.

You are all over the place. At 18:22 - it’s a constant issue blah blah - and 2 mins later it’s not?

Is it because you have been asked about how you deal with boundaries and consequences? Probs you don’t -probs you just carry the resentment and contempt inwards.

A christening is the same as spending £450 holidaying with a person’s aunties?