To think this is too much for a 30th?

[Savante]

I’ve got a friend who I’ve been friends with since university. There are four of us who are still in touch. This friend is 30 this time next year and asked if we want to go away for the weekend to Scotland to celebrate. I agreed.

However, friend has now decided she wants to go abroad. She’s found huge self catering villa in Italy and it’s stunning. It sleeps 20, and if full would cost us £200 each plus about £250 for flights. Everyone has happily agreed but AIBU to think it’s a bit much for a 30th? For a hen or a 50th or a wedding, of course, but I think it’s a lot of money to spend on someone’s birthday for a weekend away with her friends and family who I’ve never met (except her parents and one sibling).

It sounds great, if you can't afford it don't go though

I would have loved to have done this to celebrate a good friend's 30th. When I was in my late 20s I had the means to be able to able to afford this no bother, and I didn't have kids to look after. Unfortunately I didn't get the opportunity because my friends were ploughing their time and money into weddings and babies. Everyone has different priorities, and it's up to you whether you want to spend time and money on this trip.

It's whether you want the experience of staying in a lovely villa in Italy or not. If you do, do it. If not, don't I'd extend it and find an apartment or something and make it a holiday.

I went to a wedding abroad. It cost me £2k but the whole experience was fantastic. The wedding was two days but I stayed for a week. I'll never forget the wedding it was fantastic.

Absolutely this

do you want to - go
do you not want to go / spend that much - decline

£450 for a trip to a lovely villa in Italy sounds like a bargain to me! I’d go!

It is a lot for a birthday BUT just treat it as a break away for yourself - if it is something you want to do it’s worth the money, if you wouldn’t get excited for it then don’t go, just say it’s over budget.

There is going to be extra costs on top, so if you are on the margin of affording it then don't go. It's not fun if you are continually having to consider whether you can afford any of the meals out or not participating in something because you don't have the cash when you are away as a group. Make the decision for yourself. You can have a night out when your friend returns if that works.

Yabu in that it shouldn’t matter what the occasion if people want to meet up and have a party and some fun

You also haven’t said how much more expensive it was than the Scotland weekend - 3 nights in a premier inn would easily be over 200 and 200 for a train ticket so the devils in the detail

So the villa will cost £250 each if 20 of you going? Are there 20 going? If not, will cost more each?

This.

So not sure which way to vote.
If she knows 20 people who would be likely to go, then it's not too much.
But I suspect this is going to be one of those things where the price creeps up and up - where's the food and drink costs ? - presumably price goes up for every place not filled, how realistic is it more than about 6 people will actually want to go (and be able to afford both the time and money to go) ?

It’s not with my friends though. It’s with her friends and family who I don’t know.

I know I could say no but it would be taken as a major slight. It’s all of our 30th next year, and I know that this will, for her, be considered to be the group’s major celebration and she’ll barely acknowledge ours.

£450 for a weekend is a bargain?

No, life is for living. Sounds like great fun and a good deal.

The rest of us. Our cost will go up if there’s not 20 people.

Sounds great fun! Don't go if you dont want tio!

I’ve always thought of 50th and 60th as bigger birthdays than 30 or 40 for some reason.

Yes. £450 for a weekend in Italy, including flights and accommodation is a bargain.

However - if it’s not a group of your friends and you won’t enjoy it then just say no. Her family and random people - I’d say no.

20 of my friends. A big yes.

If it seems expensive to you then again say no.

I've said YABU. Not because it's at all unreasonable to be unable to afford something, or just to choose not to spend that money. However, YABU to say that it's a big ask for a milestone birthday, but not for a hen do or anniversary. If anything, I would be more inclined to pay a large sum for a birthday than to celebrate an anniversary!

This is my main point. Perhaps I haven’t made it well. It’s not a break with my friends any more, it’s a trip with her family and friends. £450 to go away on holiday with company you choose is different for me to going with a load of people you haven’t met.

Why? That makes no sense. The only 'decade' birthday which is less than the others is 20, because it is bracketed by 18 and 21. The others are all equally milestones.
My 40th was a huge bash. Most 50ths are not IME. The only place where 50 is a big deal is the Netherlands, where turning 50 is called an Abraham birthday for a man and a Sarah for a woman, for some reason. It's A Thing there, but that's the only place I know of where that's the case.

Sounds like a fun trip and it's not OTT expensive. So, it's up to whether you'd want to go. Enjoy time with your friends!

Myself and all my friends are hitting the 40 stage and we all have small children, and have more constrained budgets, so there haven't been any big celebrations. Certainly no trips away! Enjoy it while you can and your still young :)

Is she married? Has she ever been celebrated like this for anything else? I think it's not unreasonable to want to celebrate your big birthday like this and 450 is not unreasonable.

Is it a case you can't afford it and would have to give up a family holiday or just you don't want to do it?

Has she gone to events for you? Celebrated your wedding etc?

Without knowing all of this I haven't voted but I think life is about celebrating our friends and family and it shouldn't always be a wedding or a baby that we do that for. We also need to show up in ways we'd want them to show up for us.

Oh, that's totally valid, sorry I missed that point. No, aside from one or two old friends whose families I'm close with, I wouldn't want to party with parents. That would be weird.

It would never be £200 for the train for us.

It probably would’ve been about £200 each. My main issue isn’t even really the money. Ive realised it’s being asked to pay £450 for a holiday with this friend’s friends and family on top of an abroad hen and wedding all in the next two years too. I know it would not be reciprocated. I also know that if I say no, it’ll be taken as a slight. I wouldn’t get away with saying I can’t afford it. I will have a think about it before I commit.

I know I could say no but it would be taken as a major slight. It’s all of our 30th next year, and I know that this will, for her, be considered to be the group’s major celebration and she’ll barely acknowledge ours.

Sounds like you aren't that keen on her anyway, so nothing lost by saying "Thanks for asking, but no thanks" or "I can't make that, but hope you have a great time" or something similar.

Anyone who is offended by people not being able to make what would be a big ask, is not really worth worrying about in terms of them being upset.

Absolutely nothing wrong with her choosing to do this for her birthday, but equally, no-one can seriously expect 20 people to want to
a) go for a short break to Italy
and
b) go away as part of a group of 20 people
and
c) go away with people they don't know well or don't know at all
and
d) have enough annual leave and be able to use the annual leave then
and
e) have the money to spare (because, lets be honest this is going to end up being closer to £1K than £450 pp)
f) even if they have the money in their bank account, choose to prioritise this break over other things they might be saving for
so if she takes offense at any of the invitees not being able to go, she doesn't sound like someone I would be worried about offending.