Consultant appointment - we used to date

[Kingcole3]

Received a letter with a consultant appointment for next week. That’s great except the consultant for the appointment is a very old flame! We went on a few dates and slept together a few times about 10 years ago. I’m married now with children, I presume he is as well. Obviously we don’t keep in contact. I can’t really remember how it ended, I think it probably just didn’t go anywhere as were in our early twenties at the time. No idea if he will recognise me as I’ve changed my surname but he will be seeing me with not many clothes on so it definitely feels awkward! AIBU? Would you tell your DH or keep quiet? Make an awkward joke with him or stay silent?

It is awkward. He will recognise you. You need to tell your husband. Would you feel less awkward if you were upfront with your hubby but then he came to the appointment with you?

I'd 100% ask for a different doctor.

I actually had a situation many years ago when I went to my private gynaecologist appointment and only then realised he was closely related to my good male friend from school (also a family of medics, he was his grandad in fact). It was all professional but I honestly couldn't shake the feeling of awkwardness ever since and had I known before I'd have asked for a different dr.

I think you need to call and discuss it with the department. I’m not in health care but I am a social worker and if anyone was allocated to me that I know or used to have a relationship/friendship with I would refuse the allocation. My managers would also agree that it is not ethical. I think you will prob arrive at your appointment and find he says very much similar and advises it cannot go ahead due to ethical implications.

If she’s married and changed her name he might not realise it’s her.

Hi op I would decide after the op if you tell your dh it’s not like you are going for a drink behind his back. It’s in your past the consultant might not even recognise you and if he does just laugh and say I wasn’t sure if it was going to be you so never mentioned it.

the NHS have rules and expectations about this though. Its not a choice by either party

Why don’t you ask if someone else is available at that time? Maybe they can do a swap?

You seem to have thought very little about solutions.

Eh? It has nothing to do with the DH, it’s OP’s body, it’s her procedure. Wtf does the DH have to do with it?

Eh why you replying to me if you read op original post she was asking if she should tell her dh which is what was what I was commenting on. so why don’t you go and focus. Or at least read the op.

I feel the NHS/UK is culturally quite different to other countries in that sense.

Less of a culture of making formal complaints in many other countries, at least historically, and less rules/H&S.

I hear a lot of hospital/doctor stories from family, including where people have been quite direct with patients etc, and thought 'in the UK you/your colleagues not be practising'. My auntie would have been sacked in the UK many times over, starting with moving in with one of her patients, think they are together 30 years now! Also it's super common over there for friends and family to make an appointment only and specifically with the doctor that is their friend/family. Or well, unsuccessful Tinder date in some cases perhaps 😋

Just very different cultures.

Anyhow, beside OP's point.

I think he will want to do a good job for you! Ten years is a long time

Can I ask where you live?

Indeed, as I was just responding to another poster, totally different cultures. She said that there's been a lot of fear of complaints and separation of professional and personal since the 70s.

I guess it's somewhat similar to schools, in the sense that in the UK there are very strict safeguarding and pupil contact rules, which are pretty unheard of in other countries and that foreigners or even people that don't have direct contact with the school system daily find a little shocking.

In Scandinavia for example you have many small isolated villages where everybody knows everyone else, and it's impossible to avoid friends/family if you are the village doctor, especially if the nearest alternartive doctor is 100 miles away.

See, I'd have told my husband as soon as I saw the letter and we'd have had a laugh about it - and potentially rescheduled if UK rules demand it. I just wouldn't have given it any/much thought at all.

It really isn't. My last proper relationship (not fwb) ended in 2015 and the thought of him being a consultant and performing a procedure on me now gives me the jeeebies.

Ten years is no time at all. And even if it were, it's not allowed for good reasons.

In the UK.

However I am mostly referring to Scandinavia. You have many really small places where everybody knows everyone, so the local doctor will treat their friends, family, even people they've fallen out with. And their dating pool will be the same community.

It's not that different even in cities with 300,000ish people.

People have somewhat of a preference to get things done within their circle, e.g. go see a doctor, lawyer etc that they know.

Obviously my personal experience is more historic, so say the 2000s, but I actually know my cousin who's a psychiatrist and she has her sister as a patient. In fact, another cousin is also seeing a therapist, and it's also a relative. My aunt treats probably every single family member that needs her specialism.

That part to be honest I don't get, I don't think I'd want someone I know as a therapist.

But there's a very strong trust in patient confidentiality, and suppose people feel they can trust someone they know more with their confidential health issues than a stranger. I think another part is access to the system, you can access specialists without GP referral but the waiting lists are long, so people like to text a doctor they know to see if there's any last minute slots available etc.

Medical malpractice is a thing but from what I hear, serious complaints aren't that common, although I have heard of a couple of cases. Though I also believe it's changing gradually. From what I hear, in the UK medical professional live in constant fear of being reported and take safeguarding very seriously.

😄😄😄

No, definitely not constant fear. There are rules for the protection of both staff and patients and everyone clinical is aware of what those rules are. I do understand that circumstances can be different in very small communities and I have no comment or experience of how the requirements are applied in the more remote areas of the UK.

I’ve had this debate with my brother many times over because we’re from a really small town so now we know a lot of friends we grew up with in the local hospital.

My brother loves it; I hate it and I’d avoid it at all costs. I can’t think of anything more uncomfortable than having to undress in front of friends and former high school crushes.

As you say the 'relationship' just petered out so I'd keep the appointment and joke about running in to him! If it'd been a serious thing and you'd been together ages and it ended badly then yes I'd ask for another consultant, but as has been said already you might have to wait a long time!

Sorting it out up front is less likely to cause delays - and embarrassment - than turning up and having the Dr cancel the procedure on the spot when he realises who she is.

if she turns up and he declines to treat her, as is his right, the OP might have a long wait for a new appointment too.

This is mad. To a Dr that isn’t a joke. I have had ex patients stalk me. There actually are people who are crazy enough to do what you are joking about.

All the UK Drs on this thread have explained that as soon as he realises they had a personal relationship he would be duty bound to decline to treat her so unless he can find a colleague able to do it on the day then she will wind up with an even longer wait.

OP please call and ask to rearrange with another Dr due to ‘a previous personal relationship’. I can only imagine the embarrassment of a former lover turning up in my clinic expecting to be treated. I would die of embarrassment and under almost no circumstances at all would I ever consider treating them unless they were dying in front of me. It will be a short and embarrassing interaction if you go plus you will end up having to explain to DH for no reason.

So what did you decide to do @Kingcole3?

i mean - its up to you - but for me, as it was so long ago - it wouldn't bother me. Would i tell my husband - i dont see why not as it's not something to hide? youre going to see a dr...

I do understand BTW that matters might be a bit different in different social contexts. I still remember the local GP in rural mid Wales in the 70s (single handed practice before the days of out of hours cooperatives) coming to fix my mums dislocated thumb on Boxing Day. My parents called his home phone and he said he’d walk down to their house when he’d finished his lunch. He’d had a few Sherrys and so had she so no anaesthetic was needed. It was competently fixed in a few seconds and he stayed for some more drinks afterwards. I imagine she’d have to go to A&E an hour away these days. Different time, different standards.