Consultant appointment - we used to date

[Kingcole3]

Received a letter with a consultant appointment for next week. That’s great except the consultant for the appointment is a very old flame! We went on a few dates and slept together a few times about 10 years ago. I’m married now with children, I presume he is as well. Obviously we don’t keep in contact. I can’t really remember how it ended, I think it probably just didn’t go anywhere as were in our early twenties at the time. No idea if he will recognise me as I’ve changed my surname but he will be seeing me with not many clothes on so it definitely feels awkward! AIBU? Would you tell your DH or keep quiet? Make an awkward joke with him or stay silent?

I wouldn't treat a patient I'd been in a relationship with or had a sexual history, and I wouldnt expect my colleagues too. Unless it was an emergency situation and I was the only one who could feasibly treat them I would either ask another colleague to see that particular patient or rebook the patient

I've had colleagues in this situation who've spoken to me and we've just reorganised the lists so I see the patient. It's not appropriate to treat someone you've had a sexual history with. Yes I would be professional, but its always going to be uncomfortable for the patient. It would be hard to remain impartial, and your on shaky ground if the hospital ever found out.

I would contact the secretary and explain, it maybe it's actually his registrar doing the procedure or most likely they will be able to rebook you with a different clinician

Even neighbours or people from my pilates I wouldn't particularly want to treat

I don't want to be a clinician in the gym, and they don't want to be reminded of their medical procedure each time they step out the house. Again obviously I would be professional, the procedure/appointment I would treat them the same as any other patient, and I wouldnt be thinking of their medical history or whatever socially. But It does change the relationship and is best avoided

Definitely do this. As a medical secretary, I have actually had a patient ring me with exactly the same issue. It wasn't a 'bum exposed' type of appointment though. I got the lady swapped to different Consultant quietly.

It may be a conflict of interest for him, he needs to hold a neutral view on all his patients.

Plus (sorry for this) if you unexpectedly died or had an untoward outcome in surgery it may impact him more as he has a history with you.

This

@KarmenPQZ · Today 14:41

100% not awkward unless either of you make it so. He’ll presumably be professional given his profession he’s seen it all before.
have a comment ready for when you first see him ‘ah I wondered from you name if it was you, it’s nice to see you again’ and move forward don’t delay your treatment because of it.

@OneFunBrickNewt

This response is the best.
As a man I am perfectly aware that my wife slept with people before me- it'd be odd if she hadn't- so I can't see why you wouldn't mention it to your husband if you have a normal relationship.
Certainly don't jepardise your health faffing around with changing doctors.

No, it's not the best response. It's a ridiculous response. And the OP will not be 'jeopardising her health' by contacting the team secretary to request another consultant.

@Kingcole3 Please do not take any notice of this advice from the above 2 posters. It's nothing to do with someone seeing an ex, despite the second poster here acting all 'cool.' 🙄

It's deeply unprofessional for someone to treat an ex medically/do surgeries and procedures... And no qualified professional medic would do it.

another doctor joining the list saying get in contact and ask to be on a different list. In an emergency you'd probably be stuck with him, but for an elective procedure it should be possible to re-arrange a different list/consultant unless it's a particularly unusual procedure and he's the only one who can do it in the region. As well as being awkward for you, it will likely be for him too and anecdotally, things are more likely to go wrong when you're feeling under more pressure and that creates a whole new level of difficulty. If he is literally the only person who can do the procedure in the region then he probably also deserves to know ahead of the day. I wouldn't leave it to him to work it all out on the day because there's a risk you'll end up going home without the procedure. We do end up looking after colleagues/people we know from time to time, but not people with whom we've had the sort of relationship you have.

I doubt he'll remember you. Or notice it's you. They're so busy and kind of aloof they don't really look at the patient much. Not directly at their face anyway. Unless it was a medical problem there of course.

Different surname, presumably look quite a bit different. I would just act like he's a stranger.

I can't see him suddenly saying 'oh yeah we used to shag back in 2014'. For starters it wouldn't be professional.

Of course he will know her/remember her/notice it's her! 🙄

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I'd ask for a different consultant now and explain the situation. You might be ok, but he has professional ethical obligations and guidelines to follow.

Request another consultant due to personal conflict. Even if he doesn't remember you, you remember him and care might be compromised due to this.

It happens more than you think.

This. ^

Whether you tell your dh or not is irrelevant.

I think you should inform the hospital. The consultant might cancel on the day if he feels there could be any suggestion of a conflict of interest (which an awkward joke would definitely imply). That might delay your procedure. Better to get ahead of the situation now.

I'm amazed you have to ask.

He really shouldn't be treating you - I'd run a mile from having medical contact with a patient I knew socially, it's a minefield. Call the secretary, explain and ask them to swap you to a different consultant.

I needed to see a Gynaecologist for something that I also didn't want/couldn't/shouldn't delay. The referral came through and it was for the Consultant Gynae that happened to be the husband of a mum friend I'd made when the children were all at junior school. Was definitely him, also unusual name, and I knew anyway as saw them often enough to know he worked there (just hoped it would be someone else). I just called and asked to see someone else - they didn't even ask why, and arranged another appointment for me. Turns out I needn't have bothered as he left the NHS and went fully private before my appointment date. But still, wasn't about to do small talk with my feet in stirrups, when I'd likely be seeing him at a dinner party or playdate soon afterwards.

There's very firm guidance for doctors regarding treating people they have a close personal relationship with - basically don't unless it's an emergency. There are also strict rules on not having relationships with current patients. Developing relationships with former patients is a bit more of a grey area though - it's discouraged generally but there are circumstances when it might be acceptable.
I would see this situation as a similarly grey area. You are not in a close personal relationship now, but you have been. He's not a doctor having a sexual relationship with a former patient but he is a doctor potentioally having a professional relationship with a former sexual partner which is similar and doesn't sit easily with me.
I would probably contact his secretary and just say something like "Dr X and I knew each other well in the past, he'll remember me as X. Could you let him know as it might be better if I see someone else".
These things are not always black and white though. I worked in a small hospital in a rural area and if every member of staff declined to treat every patient they knew we would never have got anything done. Personally I tried to avoid treating or being treated by people who were real friends but it can't be avoided in every circumstance. For instance I resuscitated a friend's baby and one of my own children was delivered by someone I see socially. If you're in a small place, he's the only one who does the procedure locally and it's urgent, it might be justifiable, but if circumstances allow an easy transfer if care to someone else that would be far better from an ethical point of view, and you'd probably both be more comfortable too.

A friend and former teaching colleague went for her smear test.

’Hello Miss’. My friend early 60s. Nurse and former pupil mid 20s.

To her credit the nurse asked if my friend would like someone else to do the smear.

But my friend said thanks but no, let’s get on with it.

Yep, there's a good reason why many GPs - including all the ones I know - live a minimum of 7-10 miles from the surgery. They don't want their patients as neighbours!

It would be unprofessional of him not to acknowledge they used to shag. Yes obviously not just "haha I've seen you naked". But he absolutely should acknowledge they have a previous personal relationship

They dated, he will likely remember her.

At an absolute push he should speak to OP and see if she is happy to be treated by him. But better to rebook her with a colleague, OP could avoid all that by just contacting the department now

Imagine there's a complication, which happens. Then questions are raised, was he distracted because of their shared history? Was he trying to harm her? Was he rushing to get her out the room? Or a complication with a later patient, did he give preferential treatment to OP because of their history?

Even if none of the above are true, the questions will still be there and it's just not ethical.

This and it would breach his code of professional conduct.

What is the exact issue exactly? I.e. what do you think could happen at this appointment that is relevant to the 2 of you having gone on a few dates many moons ago?

Whatever I am getting done in any capacity, if it's someone I know, it's always a plus. If it's a doctor, massage, dentist, something else physical, if I had an ex I had no issues with that would work in that specialty, that would be great. For example my uni ex is my physio and another does some car bits for me.

If the breakup wasn't dramatic, I am confused about the issue.

Unless it's some quite of puritan thing of not having contact with any former partners once married or similiar, which it sounds like it might be.

its not a puritan thing. For one thing, its a massive risk to the clinician. The most obvious thing would be a "revenge allegation" by the patient, but there are other possibilities,eg the patient regretting allowing the appointment to continue and then complaining to the hospital that she was upset by the situation but wasn't offered an option and felt forced into it. I used to be a clinician involved in investigating much less serious complaints so I took the training and believe me such things happen.

I would phone the clinic and say

• I have an appointment with Adam Smith with a view to treatment X
• I want to make you aware in advance that he and I used to be in a relationship so I am assuming he will need to recuse himself from my treatment particularly as this treatment involves intimate body parts.
• He likely doesn’t appreciate I am coming to see him as he knew me as Kate Jones but my name is now Kate Miller.

If they say (either initially or later) oh yes we will move you but then try and suggest it will be a lot longer because alternative has a long wait I would be clear that obvious the hospital cannot being suggesting that they will penalise me due to the consultant’s professional obligations and conflicts and I expect to be seen in around the same timelines.

Any BS and I would be going straight to Pals.

great answer. Unless, as others have said, the treatment is both urgent and unusual ie there is no one else who could do it, then it should be easy to move the appointment and keep approximately the same timeline.