Consultant appointment - we used to date

[Kingcole3]

Received a letter with a consultant appointment for next week. That’s great except the consultant for the appointment is a very old flame! We went on a few dates and slept together a few times about 10 years ago. I’m married now with children, I presume he is as well. Obviously we don’t keep in contact. I can’t really remember how it ended, I think it probably just didn’t go anywhere as were in our early twenties at the time. No idea if he will recognise me as I’ve changed my surname but he will be seeing me with not many clothes on so it definitely feels awkward! AIBU? Would you tell your DH or keep quiet? Make an awkward joke with him or stay silent?

My midwife was one of the mums in my daughters class at school.
She delivered one of my boys. She also delivered lots of the children in Dd's year at school.

I’m not ‘baiting’ or a puritan or anything like that. I’m genuinely curious about what to do. I don’t want the procedure to be delayed and I wasn’t sure if I was overreacting if I asked to see someone different!

Fair enough, seems like policies and attitudes have changed a lot over years.

Come from a clan of doctors so used to seeing people I know or family friends for my medical needs. Usually still do (not in the UK), I've never really thought of it this way.

The main conflict I can see is that a doctor that knows me/ is my friend will likely treat me more favourably than other patients.

It's a massive no-no to treat close friends and family in the UK (has been for a long time), but completely bonkers to treat someone you've had a sexual relationship with in anything other than an immediately life-threatening scenario (and even then you'd be doing what was necessary whilst phoning a friend to come in and take over). Not only does the added cognitive load and lack of objectivity make the job higher risk (doctors are skilled professionals, but most of all they're only humans!), the consultant would be very vulnerable if the OP ever decided they weren't happy with any element of the care they'd received (and spurious allegations of misconduct definitely do occur). It's weird enough looking after people you know either from work or in a vague social context - doing an intimate procedure electively on someone you DTD with would be daft unless there's literally no alternative (and even then they'd be daft to not discuss it with their clinical lead and probably medical indemnity company so they knew what was happening and why it was unavoidable, the consent process would probably reference that this isn't ideal, and the presence of a very visible chaperone would also be absolutely non-negotiable).

I started in practice in 1975 and so far as I know in the NHS its always been as I have described it.

In some other countries, treating friends/family is more acceptable than in the UK, both socially and professionally. In the UK, the GMC very much frowns on it, outside of immediate emergencies. They have got even stricter in recent years - it used to be tolerated to e.g. do a private prescription for antibiotics for a friend's ear infection - but now even that is not acceptable.

I'm yet another doctor here and wouldn't treat an ex, or any close friends, unless life-threatening and no alternatives. I do treat, and have been treated by, colleagues, because that's kind of unavoidable, but we always try to make sure both people are comfortable with the treating relationship.

OP asked about telling her husband - I don't think it's the sort of thing to keep a secret, especially as hopefully you won't actually be treated by this guy - but I might mention it more as a "small world" sort of thing.

Yeah maybe you're right. I was kind of thinking it would be more ethical not to say anything. Even if he did remember her. And if she acknowledged it then respond. Otherwise just treat her like any other patient. In case she herself might not want it brought up?

But I guess I'm wrong.

I appreciate it is awkward to say you don’t want to see him/be treated by him (and I wouldn’t either) which is why (although I didn’t expressly say this) I suggested push it to them in flagging as a conflict matter you imagine they will want to handle, rather than expressing saying you don’t want to see him.

If they did come back after making them aware and say “oh no he is fine to continue” then I would say you really didn’t think it appropriate or professional for him to treat you in all the circumstances.

But I think you want them to make the call to move your clinician as makes it much harder for them to attempt to delay your treatment as opposed to trying to badge it as “accommodating patient preference”.

I think he will have to pass you on to a colleague

My mum's friend was present for my vasectomy (not by invitation, she was a nurse 😂)
I occasionally see my GP in the pub. He's had his finger up my bum for a prostate exam. We just smile and pass the time of day quite normally.

If you go ahead with the appointment he is most likely to say I can't treat you as we have a past relationship. It would be unprofessional if him if he didn't.

I wouldn’t hesitate to contact the department, explain the situation and ask for a different doctor.

It will be more difficult if you turn up on the day especially if he’s not comfortable to treat you.

@Kingcole3 I work in this area, and this is not a joke or fodder for a funny anecdote afterwards.

The General Medical Council would advise against a doctor treating anyone they have had a close personal relationship with. Please contact the hospital and make them aware, first thing tomorrow.

It is likely that if it is your former partner doing the procedure (could potentially be an experienced reg running their own list), he will simply refuse to go ahead. Your investigation will then be delayed and a whole slot will be wasted.

"Chances are when he sees your name he will arrange for you to be seen by someone else anyway."

If the OP has changed her name following marriage, the consultant may not recognise that this patient is someone he has known in the past.

Better to contact the secretary asap.

Why are you offering an opinion on a professional matter when you're not qualified to do so?

I know my gynacolognist...

Does he/she make your vulva smell like cedar and citrus, I wonder? 🤔

I get that it feels weird to you. I’d be in the same state of Eek.

But just tell your husband. It’s one of those things. And if it comes up later it would be worse if he knew that you hid it. That makes you look guilty when you are guilty of nothing.

Unless your husband is an unreasonable man, in which case, what are you doing having babies with him? He would need to grow up.

Hmmm yes, this sounds like great advice.

I grew up in a place where everyone knew everyone, you are just another patient and it should have no impact on the situation.

I think the medics have cleared this up -
it’s a ‘no’ to Drs treating relatives and friends.

I have a question though, how does this advice extend across the medical profession? I have seen several programmes where mid wives go into their own units to deliver? Is it the same advice for nurses, radiologists, physios?

Awesome. You win the internet today.

I don't get it 😣

The pp mistyped gynaecologist as “gynacolognist”. Cologne is a scent…

This. The last thing you need is you turning up and then him refusing the treatment.

I think (for him) it’ll be considered a conflict of interest so I would definitely flag it.

You should trademark this name today, set up a drop shipping operation and start capitalising on women's nether region-related insecurities. You will absolutely print.